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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Fools Dare- 4700 words

   
Author Topic: Fools Dare- 4700 words
pidream
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I am looking for readers- will swap.

The moment Urtis’s face flamed to red, he should’ve bitten out his tongue. But no, he’d prattled on about the hardships and expenses of finding Urtis’s worm-eaten tomes, the loss of two men, and three camels. When Sath, the imp, leapt onto one of the carved minaret’s of his master’s massive chair, Ambar stuttered to silence. Sath lowered himself until bat-like he hung only a finger’s width from the mage’s ear, and commenced whispering.
What had made him believe he could squeeze a single half-bronze more from stingy wizard? He’d unwittingly, crossed some imaginary line of decorum with the thin skinned sorcerer, and was about to suffer for it.
“Uh— excuse me Great One,” he said, bowing and backing toward the door, “I will be taking my leave now. The sum agreed upon is acceptable, master.”

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wetwilly
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I'll swap with you if you're okay with my story being longer than yours (about 8,000 words). Send it on over to me.
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Denevius
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Somewhat cluttered, confusing opening. By my count, you have three characters: Sath, Ambar, and Urtis. I'm unsure if any of them is this wizard that's mentioned.

The first line, I'm unsure whose POV we're in. Who should have bitten off Urtis' tongue? Ah, actually, on this read, I guess it's Ambar. Now I think I understand the scene.

Urtis is the wizard, Sath is the imp on his chair, and Ambar was the one looking for the wizard's tomes. It kind of makes sense now, but it's all packed together needlessly. And even after multiple reads, I'm still unsure whose head we're in.

By the by, I actually think this line is a better opening to the story:

quote:
What had made him believe he could squeeze a single half-bronze more from stingy wizard?
Here we have the motivation (money), the obstacle (stinginess), and a setup (dealings with a wizard) all neatly rolled into one rhetorical question.
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wetwilly
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Still want to swap?
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pidream
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Wetwilly, I am waiting on your story. I sent mine along to the email listed here. Denevius, Thanks that's a good idea.
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