Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Can I Get a Chicken Sandwich with Everything, Please?

   
Author Topic: Can I Get a Chicken Sandwich with Everything, Please?
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi all,

I'm trying to get this story ready to submit. The title will probably change, but I desperately need someone to critique it for me and let me know, specifically, which jokes, if any, don't work for them. I know humor is subjective, but I need an outside opinion. It's a humorous horror story. I'd be willing to exchange a critique on a piece of similar length as well. I need a somewhat quick turn around on this. By Wednesday of next week, ideally.

Thanks.


“No, sir, you can’t take your Seeing Eye dog into the swimming pool,” I say for the third time. I bend over to pat his harnessed yellow lab on the head. “Good boy.”
The young man’s aviator glasses cover most of his face, but his nostrils flare in fury. “That’s discrimination! I need this animal to see, damn it!”
“Sir, I’m really sorry, but Desert Waves has a no animals policy.” I frantically scan the area for my boss and find my college-aged co-worker, Matt, instead. He is leaning against the lifeguard station, his sleek shades spread tightly around his face—red, to match his trunks. He’s wearing a t-shirt with a laughing David Hasselhoff on the front that says, Laughing his Hasselhoff. I mouth the words, help me, but he shakes his head and flashes a

[ January 11, 2014, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
genevive42
Member
Member # 8714

 - posted      Profile for genevive42   Email genevive42         Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds strange, but my first thoughts were whether denying the dog access to the pool was legal, or not. Then I wondered why you mentioned the age of the mc's co-worker, but I have no idea of the mc's age. Why is age relevant? And then the simple answer is to ask the client to wait while he got his supervisor. Sorry, I'm not getting the humor in the clueless employee scenario and the character isn't endearing himself to me.

I may just not be your audience.

Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
History
Member
Member # 9213

 - posted      Profile for History   Email History         Edit/Delete Post 
I found your writng flows well; and it deftly and vividly introduces the setting, three characters, and a conflict. I also like the hook of how the blind man doesn't appear to be blind. I'd read on.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

Posts: 1475 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
History,
Would you be willing to critique it for me? It's about 4,000 words. I'd be happy to return the favor. No pressure. If you don't have either the time or the inclination, I understand. [Smile] I want to submit this to Weird Tales, so I must warn you, it's pretty weird. Well, ridiculous anyway. I could send it tonight if you want. Otherwise, thanks for the feedback provided. [Smile]

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for commenting Genevive42!
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wetwilly
Member
Member # 1818

 - posted      Profile for wetwilly   Email wetwilly         Edit/Delete Post 
I enjoy the ridiculous. Send it over.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wetwilly
Member
Member # 1818

 - posted      Profile for wetwilly   Email wetwilly         Edit/Delete Post 
I enjoy the ridiculous. Send it over.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks wetwilly! Just sent it. [Smile]
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Carl F
Member
Member # 10040

 - posted      Profile for Carl F   Email Carl F         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd like to read it too. I could use a good laugh.
How did unicorn story go?
Carl

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2