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She opens the door without knocking. Which, when you think of it, is kind of rude. It doesn’t help that I don’t know her name, have never seen her before, and have no idea why she’s come by to visit. I’m in a room with brown wooden floors and brown wooden walls. It all looks kind of rustic, and kind of familiar, but mostly comfortable. I’m sitting at a desk, which is pushed against the wall in the corner across from the door. When she steps in, sunlight spills in from outside, along with the fresh green smell of spring. She’s young, a teen, and looks kind of Asian, though her eyes are too round, and her skin too tan. She holds an orange cellophane bag of shrimp chips, which she’s munching on noisily. Her
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I'll be happy to swap with someone in about a week. The estimated word count is 3000 words. Genre is speculative fiction. Comments on this opening are appreciated!
This opening has not grabbed me. I don't know who this person is or where they are, except vaguely that he/she is in a brown place. I guess, for me, the opening is just too vague, especially regarding setting.
Now, maybe in the context of the whole story, that works, but just looking at the 1st 13, I'm not sold.
I can read for you when you get it ready. I can swap my superhero story that you commented on in my own 1st 13 thread. Mine is a little longer than yours, about 5,000 words, so if you don't feel like reading that story, I don't mind reading yours anyway.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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A routine interrupted opening that somewhat upsets emotional equilibrium; the intrusion of the prawn-chip girl.
I feel stronger emotional attitude on the part of the first-person narrator is warranted, so that emotional equilibrium is more upset and subjectively informative. No clue how the narrator privately regards the girl, whether upset, delighted, surprised, angry, disappointed, curious, or ambivalent (ideal)--mostly an indifferent reaction.
One emotional signal is defused by a hedging comment: "kind of rude." The rudeness either is or isn't upsetting. Further, the fragment doesn't set up a context or texture for why entering without knocking behavior is rude. The room could be an office where patrons enter at will or a private space where knocking is expected. The door is unlocked, no bar to entry, tantamount to an invitation to enter, at least for familiar acquaintances, which the fragment does indicate is not the case.
Stream of consciousness for first person or third, second too for that matter, besides syndeton (multiple absent conjunction words or conjunction joined phrases), elides words unnecessary to understand the meaning: sentence fragments, elided sentence subjects, elided verbal auxiliaries like "have," prepositions like "that," "of" and "which." The fragment's narrative distance is fairly close, though exactingly grammatically proper wordiness throws up speed bumps that disturb a consciousness stream's flow. Also issues with pronoun antecedent subjects make for confusion. For example:
"Which, when you think of it, is kind of rude. It doesn’t help that I don’t know her name, have never seen her before, and have no idea why she’s come by to visit."
Both instances of "it" there are ordinary slang idioms. They reference unknown or vague subjects, the first one clearer than the second. The first, after the fact, references entering without knocking, the thought reaction is thinking the behavior is rude. The second "it" is a syntax expletive, meaningless until the sentence's contingent subject "don’t know her name, have never seen her before, and have no idea why she’s come by to visit." "I" is in subject complement position; however, the expletive takes its place. Ordinary conversation slang immediately in an opening is problematic. Consider recasting for the same context and texture though more robust and dynamic so that the opening peels as if a clarion.
Consider eliding "which, when you think of it", and "it doesn't help," the two "haves," and the "and." Recast into a robust stream-of-consciousness emotional reaction appeal and closer yet narrative distance. For example: //How rude, barged into my room. I don’t know her, never seen her before, why she’s come for a visit.//
Similarly, the next paragraph opens with a narrator mediation, "I am in," addressed directly to readers. Sensations generally are strongest when they directly describe their reflected stimuli and use descriptors that express unequivocal emotions. //Dusty, brown, distressed wooden floors and dingy, stained brown wooden walls clad the cubicle-tiny room.//
The room description is out of sequence in the first place, because it artlessly interrupts the girl's emerging description and her antagonizing role, for a setting interlude. If the narrator observes the room beforehand, is depressed by the dingy, tiny room, the activity he's bound by in the room, or another emotional feeling, the girl barges in, the narrator emotionally reacts to her entrance and appearance, perhaps ambivalently, pleasantly surprised and shocked, the routine interrupted is more potently appealing.
"I’m sitting at a desk" first-person, present tense narration, though not in and of itself problematic for me, nonetheless has strength and shortcoming challenges third-person, present tense narration doesn't. First-person and present tense each lean greater degrees into subjective perception territory. Third-person and past tense each into objective territory.
I feel "I’m sitting at a desk" is too objective, on one hand, and a tense issue of the other. The present participle "am sitting at" is actually passive voice, though often overlooked from being first person. "Am" to be auxiliary verb, "sitting" main verb, and "at" preposition of the object phrase. The present participle tense "sitting" is a signal of passive voice by itself. To sit, its indefinite verb nature means to sit requires a particle for the verb to be definite, either an adverb, like down or up, back or forward, or a preposition, like "at." However, indefiniteness is indicated in this context, present tense signals indefiniteness apropos of the scenario. "I sit at a desk."
"desk, which is pushed" the comma is extraneous for that object complement phrase joined to the verb's object "desk." The modifier phrase is essential information about where the desk is situated. If the information were appositive, nonessential, the comma would be indicated.
"When she steps in, sunlight spills in from outside, along with the fresh green smell of spring." Note out of sequence, as discussed above.
Setting details, like events and characters, are, as best practice, antagonizing. The girl's entrance is antagonizing, continues to be antagonizing. The emotionally lackluster setting description is a patent device for shoehorning in the setting after first arousing tension. As such, the device is a transparent ploy that shows a writer's hand on the keyboard, so to speak, and disrupts willing suspension of disbelief.
"She’s young, a teen, and looks kind of Asian, though her eyes are too round, and her skin too tan."
"young, a teen" expresses the kind of self-interrupted thoughts (and speech) conventional to stream-of-consciousness, reflector narration; however, again, antagonism is warranted to support the otherwise jumpy flow.
"looks kind of Asian" the intent and meaning I understand is her appearance; however, "look" is problematic from implying she looks at the narrator, sees, as if an Asian person would. Confusing verb.
The "and" could be elided and not alter the meaning, be stronger stream of consciousness expression.
"though" is problematic for also disrupting flow with a formal writing conjunction connector--unconventional for stream of consciousness.
The intent and meaning of the appositive phrases following is to show how she "looks kind of Asian." Instead of the first serial comma and conjunction "though," an em dash is warranted. In any case, her eyes too round and skin too tan to me doesn't distinguish her being Asian or not Asian. Southeast Asian-like--too-round eyes, yes.
"She holds an orange cellophane bag of shrimp chips, which she’s munching on noisily."
Static verb "holds." The intent and meaning is to show an antagonizing action ongoing though coming to a close. //She stuffs shrimp chips from an orange cellophane bag into her mouth, noisily munches.//
"Her fingertips are stained red, and when she opens her mouth to speak, I see the chewed food spread out on her pink tongue."
"are stained red" passive voice. Note the preposition "by" and actual subject otherwise sentence object "shrimp chips" are implied though elided. Active voice: Red chip dust stains her fingertips.
"and when she opens her mouth to speak . . ." run-on sentence, "when" formal writing connector, "I see" narrator mediation. //She opens her mouth--chewed shrimp chip paste a red cud on her pale tongue.//
"'So,' she says, smacking her lips, 'you’re new.'"
"So," in that context, "you know," "right," "well," "uhm," "uh-huh," and so on are interjection parts of speech known as discourse markers. They are nonsensical often in even the most basic meaning, wool-gatherers for gathering thoughts, for holding the speaking floor, preambles to launching into speech. As interjections, their strength is for expressing emotion and attitude. "So" out in front of the dialogue attribution tag and the action appositive phrase, is meaningless ordinary slang.
The attribution tag is unnecessary, since she smacks her lips is an action attribution tag. How, though, to amplify upon her sassy nonchalance exhibited by her entering without knocking, eating when she enters, mouth-open eating, speaking without introduction pleasantries. Rude indeed. //She sucks her teeth clean, pries a morsel loose from a crevice. Her lips loudly smack. "So, yeah, you're new."//
I picture her speaking sarcastically, maybe ironically, certainly wryly, failing from her exhibited lack of respect overall. I also picture her in a fru-fru ballerina skirt or unkempt pleated plaid skirt, white blouse, black bow tie.
First person's subjectivity strength benefits from reporting antagonizing events, settings, and characters emotionally. Consider ramping up antagonism and emotion, combing out causation logically, naturally, for tension appeals and stream of consciousness strengths and appeals.
Standard Written English grammar for formal writing may or may not be a best prose practice, least of all wedged in between ordinary slang expression. Rhetoric principles for descriptive language rather than prescriptive grammar are more artful and appealing. For speech and thought grammars, though they are descriptive and informal, using everyday slang and slang idioms can be lackluster and bathos rifts. Bathos: "the sudden appearance of the commonplace in otherwise elevated matter or style," "triteness" (Webster's 11th).
Speculative fiction is a loose term, encompasing any work with a fantastical motif. Prescriptively, speculative fiction contains a fantastical motif that does not strongly influence the plot's antagonizing action. I see neither in the fragment.
posted
I see it's not coming across correctly in this opening. The first thing he's aware of is the girl opening the door. Then he's aware of where he is. This is the first time he's being introduced to both the girl, and then the room in which he finds himself sitting.
Awareness for him begins at the girl and flowers open to his surroundings: the desk, the room, the house, the field. Narrative conflict is the discovery of theft the next day of several items he made note of. Is the girl stealing from him? Resolution is who's taking it, why, and what to do now.
The prose right now, I think, suffers from being too ephemeral. It needs tightening while at the same time maintaining the unreliability of the narrator.
As always, thanks for the comments!
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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The Glasgow coma scale assesses orientation to person, time, place, situation, and event, in that order or preference after a trauma to the brain, not too coincidentally, similar to situational awareness for narrative. Uncertainty about who he is could open this story, self as person, with then uncertain awareness of time, then place, situation, and event. As an organizing principle, that is logical and natural.
Suitable for narrator unreliability, defect of mental cognition faculties is one approach, self-inflicted, trauma or disease, or externally inflicted, e.g., drugged, dosed, beaten, wrecked. Self-delusion is another, subtler unreliable narrator approach. For example, Jane Austen's Emma believes she is the natural matchmaker for her community, though third-person narration of Emma as reflector. The governess of Henry James' The Turn of the Screw could be and is often interpreted as a self-deluded, superstitious young woman who lets wild flights of fancy run away with her imagination or a governess genuinely plagued by haunted spirits, though a frame story's frame narrator introduction and a first-person interior narrator, the governess.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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Having experienced retrograde amnesia about 2 years ago, there's still 40 minutes of my life missing where I was apparently functioning quite normally except for not knowing where I was and what day it was. For me, from my POV, I went from varying degrees of awareness of my surroundings and what was going on to periods of black--a time-slip jump: fade to black, fade back into the realisation of my own awareness.
One possibly distressing effect of the blow to the head was the complete loss of inhibition: I felt free to discuss the most intimate aspects of my psyche without a second thought; this was completely out of character.
Sequence of events:
Riding motorcycle in sunshine, everything instantly goes black followed by flash of blinding light.
Fade in and out glimpses of white roof with a light in its center. Incessant, and annoying voice asking me what day it is. Struggle with thought processes finally taking a guess, "Wednesday?" fade to black.
[Between flash of blinding light and incessant voice I have been acting so normally that Highway Patrol doesn't see the need for the ambulance that has arrived. I carry on a number of coherent conversations and make a number of phone calls. To who and why, I have no idea.]
Consciousness returns in Emergency Ward of Hospital with intermittent fades to black and back again. It takes roughly 8 hours for me to remain in 'my normal reality'.
Don't know if this helps in deciding how your POV character narrates his encounter; perhaps an ethereal, not quite sure quality would be a better approach.
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>...come by to visit. I believe 'visit' is too familiar a term to use at this point. >...mostly comfortable. I'm guessing that this is a character tell, since I don't equate the foregoing description with comfort. It feels to me like a one room cabin. >I’m sitting at a desk, which is pushed against the wall in the corner across from the door. I am not visualizing this well. If the desk is in the corner and the POV character is at the desk, isn't the POV character facing one of two walls?
I get a sense of isolation and unfamiliarity. But I get no sense of the POV character's mood. I suppose 'visit' to describe the girl's entry and 'comfortable' to describe the surroundings help with characterization, but not much. Eating chips, the girl is familiar with the surroundings and unafraid of the POV character.
I get no sense of plot. I believe I need some indication of where we're going.
No SF tips and the chips make me rule out F, so is this Horror?
I believe I need a little more all around. Kent
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