If any one would care to read the entire piece. I'd be thankful.
“I’m telling you. The West Antarctic ice sheet is static, and East Antarctic Ice Sheet is adding ice mass at an unprecedented rate,” I shouted, trying to make myself heard over the incoherent din coming through my speakers. Everyone was yelling at once with the exception of Dr. Evans. His image looked washed out as if the brightness was too high- he was white as the ice we studied.
I muted them all and sat there waiting for them to calm down. A small tremor shook the building, and the lights dimmed momentarily. This wasn’t unusual considering how close McMurdo Station was to Mount Erebus.
For the better part of two decades I’d observed the continuing disintegration of the West Antarctic Ice Sheet, for the U.S.
quote: “I’m telling you. The West Antarctic ice sheet is static, and East Antarctic Ice Sheet is adding ice mass at an unprecedented rate,
To me, this doesn't sound like someone shouting. I think if you're shouting to be heard over a lot of noise, you use shorter, punchier wording. The same with the repetition of "Antarctic Ice Sheet", I don't think he would do that, speaking to like-minded people, especially when shouting.
quote: I muted them all and sat there waiting for them to calm down.
This sounded a little strange in that in the opening we have shouting and arguments, then straight after this patient quiet. It doesn't seem to flow very well.
quote:the world was warming, and humanity figured into the equation
I wasn't sure how you meant this.
In effect, I think this whole opening is a little slow to set the scene here. Global warming is such a well known subject these days that I don't think you have to spell it out for the reader as you have here. I think you need a stronger, punchier opening rather than trying to rely on another global warming story to hook the reader.
If you're up for a crit swap I have a sci-fi flash (990 words) I'd be willing to trade crits for on this if you want.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2014
| IP: Logged |