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Author Topic: Friend SF-3500wd (Revised)
Bent Tree
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Here is a revision. Pulling my hair out with this one.


Revised Version

Knowing that they were there watching made me feel the most alone. Homo superus, the next evolution of man. Every once in a while I would see the blur at a distance, watching me, and it pissed me off. I took out my frustration on the wood pile. If I was the last human alive, at least I would stay warm this Winter. Splitting wood helped me feel alive.

I had mourned for nearly three months; for Sarah, our unborn daughter, our families, for the human race. Who knows why the virus hadn't killed me? About three months had passed since I stared into the dying embers, remains of my wife Sara and the daughter she carried inside her. Suppose it was somewhere around a month before that since seeing another human, just after radio shut down. Media called it the, "Seventh Extinction."


Original

I looked down upon what was once Colorado Springs. Not sure why the virus hadn't killed me. Ninety days since I stared into the dying embers, remains of my wife Sara and the daughter she carried inside her. Suppose it was somewhere around a month before that since seeing another human, just after radio shut down. They called it the, "Seventh Extinction."

I wasn't sure if I was the last man alive. After Sara died I sometimes wanted to join her, but instincts overtook my grief. If my genes carried the key to future of man, I would die doing so. Now I needed to find insulin before the winter came. Not sure if insurance still covered it, Ha, but at least it should be cheap.

[ January 19, 2015, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Bent Tree ]

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Grumpy old guy
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Bent Tree, this is just my opinion so feel free to kick me in the shins. I'd close the cover after the first sentence. The first person narrator looking out over desolation after some catastrophe is, well, I hate to say it, cliche. For me, it's worse than the waking up finding myself in another world opening--I have a use for that one. This one I don't.

And, just as an aside, in the race to repopulate a dying Earth, I'd say a diabetic is about to feel the full force of Darwin's law in action. And no, don't allow him make it himself. That would be . . .

If you really want first person POV, why not start with an empty ampule of insulin in a ransacked chemists; show me the devastation and the character in motion--not static, as extrinsic would say.

Phil.

[ January 19, 2015, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]

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Denevius
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I'm going to mostly echo Phil. On the one hand, you have a lot of the right elements to make for a good opening. You've given your character a voice of uncertainty, though I think you could be more subtle about it. Right now, you're beating us over the head with the fact that the character isn't entirely sure of what's going on (though sometimes he's really specific in his language).

And you've delivered us high stakes, as high as they can go: the threat of death. We see what the narrator has to gain, and we see what he's lost.

Yet your scenario is a serious cliche that's an immediate turn off to me as a reader. I'm mostly expecting a zombie apocalypse, or something of a similar nature. I've feel like I've seen this before a lot. And I'm totally bored by it.

I would suggest a couple of changes:

quote:
I looked down upon what was once Colorado Springs.
First person narratives can be tricky. On the one hand, you, the writer, are telling a story. But in order for 1st person to be successful, you can't make it seem as if your narrator is *actually* telling the readers a story. And one way you'd do that is wonder if the narrator would actually look down upon Colorado Springs and think to himself, "I'm looking down upon what was once Colorado Springs".

He knows what he's looking at, what it once was, and what it now is. There's no real reason he needs to specifically say what it is he's looking at, except for the fact that you're cluing us, the readers, into the world you're writing through what's basically a 1st person info dump.

quote:
Ninety days since I stared into the dying embers, remains of my wife Sara and the daughter she carried inside her.
He's unsure of a lot, but he knows exactly how many days it's been since his wife died? Honesty, that would make a better opening scene than this, with the character staring at a parchment with 89 scratches on it, then marking down another. Or something along those lines.

quote:
They called it the, "Seventh Extinction."
It's interesting how humans are often in agreement in fiction, though you seldom find that in real life.

Who is 'They'? Secularists as well as theists all call it the same thing? Not very likely. Midwestern states have a very high Mexican population. Would they also call it the Seventh Extinction?

Anyway, start more in a moment. His wife dying, the month ago when he saw the last human. Stop having him *tell* us this story.

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wetwilly
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Third the above opinions. Strong writing, cliche opening. The thought running through my head while I was reading was, "this story again?"

I think find the thing that makes your post-apocalyptic last man standing tale unique, and put that right up front.

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Bent Tree
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Thanks all. I was struggling with this opening.

Above all else, I agree that the starting point is off.

Back to the lab I go!

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extrinsic
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Last man standing is a well-worn though tried and true, noble and honorable premise. A major premise or a minor premise of a dramatic syllogism? Can a last man standing narrative constitute an argumentation in the first place? An engaging one? Not by itself. If the last man standing motif were a minor premise, probably.

A backtrack to a first principle may offer insight. Isolation from social interaction, physically or emotionally, is a strong complication factor across narratives. Want for human companionship, if not mutual support, and problem of none forthcoming have inherent complication significance. Perhaps, therefore, the last man standing motif serves best as a minor premise of the argumentation. Because of this (major cause), this (minor cause); therefore, this (last man standing -- effect).

Use of action verbs to portray sensation summaries and explanations is, as Grumpy old guy notes, what extrinsic labels a type of static voice. Note that any verb that expresses an act of sensation is static, a state of being, a stasis expression from a nonfinite action. Any verb that summarizes a sensation action is a static, ongoing action of a nonfinite time span: seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting, emotional feeling. He saw, heard, touched, smelled, tasted, felt the tragic ruination of Colorado Springs. "Show" paints a motion picture. What "telling" details show Colorado Springs' devastation?

Details that encapsulate the whole through a few subjective sentences show. A stasis depiction of Colorado Springs as the place is now no less shows motion and emotion. Perhaps a roiling smoke pall obscures part of the city, the smoke an emotional symbolism, or imagery motif. Perhaps skyline buildings rise above the pall, though damaged by wanton mayhem, also symbolism or imagery. How the agonist emotionally feels about the visual stimulation is the subjective criteria and the "show" of the city's state of being in motion for the agonist at the moment of the sight.

Likewise, the recollection of his family, show a motion picture, emotional motion at least, if not the moment of their demise.

The first paragraph's predicates are mostly visual sensations summarized as actions. The first-person agonist-narrator tells without proportionate emotion a tragic backstory.

The want and problem of substance, though, of the fragment is need for insulin. Inherent problem of diabetes in a post-apocalyptic world is a major crisis. The crisis is more significant if a diabetic type I is without insulin. A type II may be insulin dependent, though that onset is probably a later-life progression of the progressive disease. A type I cannot survive more than a few days without insulin and in actual starvation of the brain's need for nutritional sustenance, let alone muscle fuel.

Type II diabetics at first suffer excess glucose from nutritional excess, then inefficient insulin metabolism, then inefficient insulin production over the progression of the disease. An insulin-dependent type II diabetic can survive without insulin, barely, though feels all the time about as energized as a soggy dishrag.

In any case, insulin is perishable, at best a shelf life, refrigerated, of six months from moment of manufacture. Not human factor, nor animal analog, nor human analog insulins survive freezing. Perhaps the agonist came to Colorado Springs to find a rumored insulin supply or thriving lab!? He goes to find people, too? In any case, the timeline to complete spoilage of all pre-collapse insulin would be about six months after collapse.

Because of sparse insulin, in a fallen world order, therefore, a man seeks medicine from an unlikely source.

[ January 19, 2015, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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mithridates
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Writer's reaction:

Wow, what a revision! It seems worth at least some hair loss.

Reader's reaction:

I'm possibly traumatized by the death of a wife and child so early in the story. I feel wary about having to read about something worse, but at least I don't feel bludgeoned by it as I did in the first draft. His attitude about chopping wood hooked me most of all.

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Bent Tree
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I'm concerned about the repetition. I feel that it is two separate ideas, but it bothers my eyes... any thoughts?
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Grumpy old guy
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The first paragraph works for me. The second is problematic--too bland and too much hand wringing, "Woe, is me!"

I have recently changed my strategy when it comes to advising others on their works. Either I like it--up to the point I don't, or I don't like it from the start. If, as I am about to do, I'll suggest you cut something out and try and achieve some other effect; what it is, I'll leave up to the author, I'll just hint at a direction I'd go. So, I'd cut this out:

quote:
Who knows why the virus hadn't killed me? About three months had passed since I stared into the dying embers, remains of my wife Sara and the daughter she carried inside her. Suppose it was somewhere around a month before that since seeing another human . . .
What would I put in its place? Some hint as to how people actually died, or how or why Homo Sapiens is now almost extinct.

Reason: You only have a limited word count within which to create character, milieu, and conflict--cut to the chase but supply the back story too.

Phil.

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Bent Tree
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Thanks for the Feedback, Phil. I can see your point about the "Pity Party."

I was concerned that this may be an issue, but at the same time it is a part of the character conflict I am trying to design into the MC's character development. So I feel I must consider this.

The next paragraph is his own observation and self-correction of this very issue.

I guess my question is how much did this turn you off? Was it a "Deal-breaker?" or would you turn the page?

Thanks again, I usually refrain from comments until after several have commented so I don't taint the control so-to-speak, but this is definitely an issue that I wanted to address.

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Goldberry
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"Knowing that they were there watching made me feel the most alone."

This is a great first line! Interesting and kind of mysterious. I like your revision much more than the original, by the way.

"Homo superus, the next evolution of man. Every once in a while I would see the blur at a distance, watching me, and it pissed me off. I took out my frustration on the wood pile. If I was the last human alive, at least I would stay warm this Winter. Splitting wood helped me feel alive."

With the words "the next evolution of man," I already have the idea that the main character may be in danger of becoming extinct. I might consider leaving out the comment, "If I was the last human alive, etc..." It sounds a little cliché to me, and I'm already thinking of zombie movies or that movie, "I am Legend" with Will Smith.

"I had mourned for nearly three months; for Sarah, our unborn daughter, our families, for the human race. Who knows why the virus hadn't killed me? About three months had passed since I stared into the dying embers, remains of my wife Sara and the daughter she carried inside her. Suppose it was somewhere around a month before that since seeing another human, just after radio shut down. Media called it the, "Seventh Extinction."

I think you want to hook the reader's interest as quickly as possible with your story. Dumping all this information into one paragraph does make it seem melodramatic. You can still use the information, but I'd consider weaving it into the story so that it doesn't bonk the reader over the head all at one time.

You've set up the beginning of a great scene with the wood chopper being spied on by something. I'd probably continue with the action without all the backstory in the second paragraph.

You could also use objects to suggest the back story. For example, a photograph of the pregnant wife. You don't always have to spell everything out for the reader. Or maybe at some point he picks up an old magazine with the words, "Seventh Extinction" on the cover.

Just some ideas for you! [Smile]

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Grumpy old guy
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Bent Tree, I understand what you are aiming for but, from this reader's POV, it's a deal breaker.

Why? Story, the art of telling them, not the mechanics, is about showing characters larger than ourselves. Their hatred is hotter, their love is greater, their resilience is stronger, their grief more tragic, and your character just sounds like some poor, dumb schmuck feeling sorry for himself.

Given the circumstances, one of my characters in such a position would be trying to do something, no matter how futile. The railing against inevitable doom is one basis of tragedy, and a powerful storytelling tool it is. Think of 'Leonidas and the brave 300', or was that 3,000, not counting auxiliaries?

Phil.

[ January 20, 2015, 02:47 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]

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TaleSpinner
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Hi Bent Tree, long time no see!

Just scanning it quickly I picked up a lot of negative vibes- pissed off, last human alive, mourned for three months, unborn daughter, dying embers - and thought "dystopian story." The only way I'll read a dystopian story these days is in the company of an MC who will take control of his life, because I've seen too many stories start with negativity like this and kill everyone off, not a satisfying ending.

Then I realised I had missed the hook, the blur, homo superus - maybe because I wasn't paying attention, but maybe because MC seems more concerned with his anger, with splitting wood, and with what I think ought to be a more traumatic bereavement than it appears. He also, I think, ought to know more than he's letting on: the radio stations, prior to going off the air, would surely have been transmitting info on how the virus spreads, and how to avoid infection, (they've been doing that over here in England given the threat of Ebola) where to go to find other survivors, any news or rumours about the involvement of homo superus and what to do about food and water - he needs more than heat for the winter.

I would suggest getting further into his head: being more specific on details such as what he sees when homo superus are around (surely more than a blur), the state of the last human he saw and what was said, the content of the last radio broadcast, his wife's last words to him: all details he'd surely be ruminating upon - and use those details to show us (or sketch for us) what he sees and feels, leaving us to infer the broad picture you're trying to tell us.

Hope this helps,
Pat

[ January 20, 2015, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: TaleSpinner ]

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extrinsic
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The second version fragment has stronger reality imitation features; the scene setting details are more pronounced.

Both versions contain a number of possible complications. The first's insulin complication stood out from the fray because insulin for a diabetic is an immediate, personal want and problem of suitable proportion for a short fiction.

The title "Friend" implies for the first version insulin and a friend are connected. The second version implies a a homo superus connection to friendship.

Both versions are in Turkey City Lexicon kitchen sink starts. Every possible motif of the whole thrown in, willy-nilly front-loaded with all the backstory and complications of the whole right off the bat. One central dramatic complication most wanting immediate satisfaction is all a start needs to introduce. More than one, five or six, is unsettled and unsettling chaos.

Friendship with a superus being now obviously the dramatic complication of the whole, and one with suitable scope for a short fiction, not homo sapiens' extinction, or bereavement of lost family, or winter heat, or apocalypse, viral pandemic, or last human standing, which are of too broad a scope for a short fiction to complete an action start, middle, end, a complication satisfaction.

Immediate now suitably-focused wants and problems wanting immediate satisfaction are fragments' starts. They have urgency, which is at least a core feature of opening introductions in that they express an upset of emotional equilibrium and a pendent routine is about to be dramatically interrupted.

The superus annoys the agonist-narrator. That's a problem and want suitable to this opening. Best practice -- he acts upon that annoyance immediately. That's a natural and necessary reaction. First, though, the setting situation would entail the W's of scene development such that the annoyance is an effect of an unfolding cause. A suspicion he's watched, a first confirmed sighting, a second, maybe a third confirmed sighting, then an act to quell the nuisance, perhaps unsuccessful at this encounter.

The superus refuses at first to engage. This annoys the agonist more. Cleverly, he arranges an in-person encounter that partially succeeds. He learns something. Next, they have a mutual or reciprocal encounter. Eventually, after several failures and probability of increased animus outcome instead, they become friends. This is a causal event sequence that would develop the setting and characters too, in scene mode, not tell mode.

This opening, and many draft openings generally contains a subtle Dischism, also a Turkey City Lexicon term. A Dischism is where and when a writer's alpha world setting is incorporated into a narrative. Perhaps artful, usually artless, a Dischism follows a groove laid down by a writer writing. Here, the Dischism is writing is done in isolation; the opening poses the agonist in isolation. Yet a character with whom the agonist may interact is posed then passed over in favor of irrelevent for the moment backstory.

Interaction with events, which are events themselves, with settings, and, most essentially, characters is drama, which shows event, setting, and character development in contention. An agonist alone, bothered by an intruder -- a visitation shape in Jerome Stern's vernacular -- is a ripe and fertile complication suitable for short fiction.

[ January 20, 2015, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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InarticulateBabbler
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My biggest problems with this are:

1: I don't know the character well enough to mourn for him. I have no emotional attachment yet.

2: There is nothing actively going on. No dangers or conflict--real or perceived. This is static, melancholy and memory. What is the challenge, goal, or conflict?

3: If there's media calling a virus "The Seventh Extinction" he cannot be the last man on earth.

I hope this helps.

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