posted
Scott could feel his heart pounding beneath the stars as he made his way up the steep hillside. The cool night air lightly brushed against his skin as it created ripples atop the long grass in great undulating waves. Behind him lay a path of flattened long grass while Persephone’s two enormous moons dominated the sky. Up above, the innumerable stars flickered in the heavens like grains of sand spread across the cosmos. Scott had never seen Starfall on Persephone before, and this year was supposed to be the last one for over a century.
This is a different telling of my previous story, not a rewrite.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2013
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posted
I would cease reading after the first sentence. The attempt to create a poetic style with simile feels both forced and contrived. Again, as I commented in your first incarnation of this story, all the sentences have a two-beat rhythm to them.
Specific problems:
. . . heart pounding beneath the stars . . . Hearts usually beat beneath ribs. Pedantry? No, simply the incorrect use of simile and an attempt to render a simple statement as poetry. Why not say: With his heart pounding in his chest, Scott made his way . . .
lightly brushed against his skin as it created ripples . . . Pardon? Far too much going on that doesn't make sense. Brushed, ripples, undulating waves?
. . . flattened long grass while Persephone’s two enormous moons . . . Up, down, flattened, enormous? Just what are you trying to say? Because the follow on from this sentence from . . .enormous moons dominated the sky. to Up above, . . . Above what? Again, I'm not being pedantic about sentence construction, just a style of prose that is what I would term faux literature.
Again, if this is for a short story, you don't have the time to waste on this sort of opening.
posted
I'm not sure all this landscape detail is relevant to "Starfall" -- and if it's the last one, why aren't there crowds? As Phil notes, one's heart doesn't pound beneath stars; I'd suggest one thought per sentence might be a useful idea until you find your voice. I see no reason in this fragment for Scott's heart to pound; nothing stressful has happened, apparently. I'd get to "Starfall", what it is and why it matters as soon as possible.
Hope this helps, Pat
Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
I would add, not to contradict Talespinner or Grumpy, that "Scott's heart pounded..." is probably better than telling me what Scott could feel. That isn't to say that it should stay, just that the overall structure could have been better. The first shows something and is closer in distance than the second. To start off as you have might be a stumbling block in more than one way.
While this does create a scene, does it create a memorable scene? Is something happening here that captures the reader's attention? I don't exactly know what Starfall means, but I'm not all that intrigued either. Maybe I'm not this story's audience. Dunno.
I would advocate adding conflict. Right now, the protagonist is getting everything he wants and thus wants for nothing or very little. Maybe he's trying to find a better seat, maybe he's trying to get to be with someone to share that moment but traffic's bad. Just something.
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posted
Shooting stars darted across the sky as white streaks canvassed against the inky blackness. Scott has never seen Starfall on Persephone before, and this year was supposed to be the last one for over a century. Scott could feel his heart pounding within his chest as he made his way up the steep hillside while the cool night air lightly brushed against his skin. It created ripples atop the long grass in great undulating waves, except for the path behind him, which was a winding trail of flattened long grass. Persephone’s two enormous moons dominated the sky, and up above, the innumerable stars flickered in the heavens like grains of sand spread across the cosmos.
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posted
In my humble opinion, this is a better start, Reticulum, however I'd suggest ditching the first sentence. Not only is it unnecessary, the florid style of the prose is distracting as I, the reader, stop, pause, consider what it means, and then, finally, move on as I shake my head.
I'm intrigued by your determination to over-ornament your prose with superfluous and, in my opinion, slightly inappropriate, poetic imagery.
In some instances, probably most, in fact, less is usually better than more.
Phil. Expressing a personal opinion on what is written, not the writer.Posts: 1937 | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
Inappropriate? You're going to have to elaborate on that one. Otherwise, I suppose that your points are valid since you're the reader.
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posted
I feel like there is definitely potential here, and I like each new version better than the last (though I know that this is different telling rather than a rewrite).
However, I would have to agree with Grumpy old guy's comments about your prose. I feel as though you, the writer, have a very clear and beautiful picture of the scene in your mind, and you have a strong desire to fully communicate that vision to the reader. So you're using exaggerated poetic imagery in a misguided attempt to do that.
Simply breaking up/rearranging some of your sentences might help a little. The line "Scott could feel his heart pounding… against his skin" seems to be combining two different ideas that don't need to be combined. It jars a little, especially since the next line continues on the "cool night air" track, as though that were the only subject mentioned in the previous sentence.
Other specific examples: The phrase "winding trail of flattened long grass" isn't bad by itself, but combined with "ripples atop the long grass in great undulating waves," it becomes too much. And honestly, I don't think you even need to say it. Again, you're trying to show us the scene the way you see it and that's admirable, but I can probably figure out by myself that the grass is flatter where he's walked over it. And even if I can't, is it such an important detail? Maybe it is, I don't know the rest of your story, but I tend to doubt it.
I'm conflicted about the opening sentence. I think it is actually more powerful to start the story with the shooting stars (rather than Scott), but the sentence itself IS a little confusing. Another example where less may be more.
Finally, as a small note, in the last line you do not need to include the words "and up above." You have already directed our attention up above, to the moons. It is therefore awkward and illogical to have that there.
As I say, I do feel that there's real potential here. I like much of your imagery, and I'm interested enough in the story, given that this is only the first 13 lines. I just think you need to keep working on finding a voice that works for you, which may mean learning to hold yourself back sometimes from including all of the flowery prose that you want to.
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posted
Reticulum, by inappropriate I simply mean unwarranted. Unnecessary and uncalled-for embellishment that adds nothing to the storytelling but, rather, detracts from it.
posted
I'm not sure the latest is better. It seems to me you're thrashing about trying to find an opening based upon a pretty night-time landscape. Why not try starting the story? For me the hooks are the two moons and "Starfall". Much of the detail is superfluous: we know what stars look like, and nightskies are always black, "inky" is I think a cliche and adds nothing. Why is the landscape and his pounding heart (we know where his heart is, so, no need to tell us) so important? The prose seems to be trying to be literature-like, and it's the reason, despite the hooks, I'd not read on. (BTW I don't think "canvassed" is the right verb, and it's superfluous anyhow. We know what shooting stars do.)
I think you might improve by telling us why he's in such a hurry and why starfall is so important and what he's trying to achieve. Maybe try drawing us into Scott's feelings, anxieties, his wants.
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posted
Each of the versions emphasizes setting development, a basic character introduction, and otherwise non-antagonal events. The scene in each is a routine without a clear cue the routine is about to be interrupted.
From what's been given so far, the intent is to ground readers in a time, place, and situation: a setting. The time and situation are underdeveloped, to me. For time development, a focused temporal cue is warranted. Otherwise, this scene's time could be any point in the folk's technology development: pre-agricultural to post-industrial.
The situation is undeveloped, except that Scott climbs a slope, at the top of which he gazes at exotic-to-readers celestial objects. Antagonism is at least warranted, something which causes Scott adversity. An adversity event is a situation's dramatic import. Event development as a best practice parallels setting and character development. Simply put, settings and characters are the packages through which events are portrayed. Events develop settings and characters, not settings and characters develop events or settings develop characters or characters develop settings.
What is the adversity event of dramatic significance that starts Scott wanting to satisfy it? That's the scene to start with and, if this scene, the start of the action.
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posted
Tonight was the last Starfall for over a century, and Scott could not miss it. He had never seen Starfall on Persephone before, and as he hurried up the steep grassy hillside he could feel his heart pounding. Though she did not share his passion for the cosmos, Scott had managed to drag Harmony along with him. Shooting stars darted across the sky like white streaks canvassed against the night. He could feel the cool air brush against his skin, simultaneously creating ripples atop the long grass. Persephone’s two enormous moons dominated the sky while the innumerable stars flickered in the heavens like grains of sand spread across the heavens. “Scott, we can’t stay here long, the radio said that one of the shooting stars is supposed to crash across the canyon.” Harmony proclaimed. “Yeah, I know. We’ll leave when it does.” He lied.
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posted
I admit being confused about which version upon which to comment. Some of us old skoolers have trained ourselves not to read comments until we post. I am used to seeing the revised versions in the original post. Just a suggestion.
quote:Originally posted by Reticulum: Tonight was the last Starfall for over a century, and Scott could not miss it. He had never seen Starfall on Persephone before, and as he hurried up the steep grassy hillside he could feel his heart pounding. Though she did not share his passion for the cosmos, Scott had managed to drag Harmony along with him. Shooting stars darted across the sky like white streaks canvassed against the night. He could feel the cool air brush against his skin, simultaneously creating ripples atop the long grass. Persephone’s two enormous moons dominated the sky while the innumerable stars flickered in the heavens like grains of sand spread across the heavens. “Scott, we can’t stay here long, the radio said that one of the shooting stars is supposed to crash across the canyon.” Harmony proclaimed. “Yeah, I know. We’ll leave when it does.” He lied.
This I like the best, but it is still a bit wobbly for me. Mainly it is my need for reliable physics. Century long day or night would result in an uninhabitable planet in any way I can conceive. And while my preference is more toward "Hard" SF or at least more plausible situations, I am willing to dispel disbelief for a time if the story is rich enough. Still this seemed a little mundane, not much tension. I like the progress so far but I still feel this could be sharper.
I often feel, "Pounding hearts," and other such descriptions as a bit hackneyed and passive. This in itself I can sometimes over look, but I still find myself craving crisp prose and some deeper POV. I want to feel her sweaty palm as I drag her along. I want to hear her complaint and my struggle to convince her how cool this will be. As I read, I want to be convinced I will get the most from this experience.
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posted
I think the last version is way better, Just a couple of nits: maybe "canvassed" works in American English. but for this Brit "to canvass" is what you do in seeking votes for election to political office, or it's the act of soliciting opinion.
Having on a few occasions escorted an lovely woman to places of beauty I've never neglected to admire her alongside taking in the local equivalent of two moons, shooting stars and all. (call me single-minded or male: take your pick) Yet he seems not to notice her, nor, when he lies to her, does he seem to feel anything (guilt? fear of being found out? concern for her safety?).
I'm hooked enough by the title and the two moons to offer to read the whole thing, and suggest you get on and write it (if you haven't already) to capture your energy and passion for the story. Then maybe come back and polish the first 13.
Hope this helps, Pat
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posted
I think American English supports the use of the word "canvassed" here. To my it is a methodical or systematic search, canvassing for clues or survivors comes to mind. I can see the point and you might consider changing it if you submit to a UK readership which I have done in the past.
I also wanted to agree with Pat. I feel that is what was most lacking, his reaction to this female. Deeper POV! that relationship in itself could propel trust and interest.
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posted
Okay, I have finally created a synopsis for the larger work and would like some feedback.
Synopsis: Two factions of Humans once inhabited the planet Hephaestus and warred over the world. Over time, the Humans automated their war and increasingly relied on advanced AI to fight it for them, eventually driving one another to extinction on the world. The AI continued fighting the war as directed by their programming, developing sentience and sapience over the course of centuries. The two warring factions of Robots declared a truce when their planet ran out of resources. Because they are slaves to their programming, they agree to cease fighting only until more resources can be gathered to continue fighting their war. They do not know their origin is at Human hands, as their awareness was not developed during this time. One of the two faction lands on the moon of the closest world, Persephone, and begins gathering resources, completely ignoring the Human inhabitants on the planet. Our main character discovers a crashed satellite probe in the beginning, which is immediately confiscated by the government. The Persephonian government launches a preemptive attack on the robots, which is swiftly repelled, and the robots continue their mining. The government lies to the people, telling them that the satellite was a military object which they shot down, when in reality it simply a surveillance satellite which crashed. The government of Persephone then takes advantage of the fear and hysteria in society as Persephone is transformed from a democratic and education based society into a totalitarian state were the government controls nearly all aspects of life. The conflict for the plot, is that the main character sees through the government’s aims and leads a resistance against this transformation of society. They use this as justification to begin the transformation into autocracy! The villain is a character like Oliver Cromwell, who uses religion to take over and genuinely believes that he is serving good.
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posted
Well, I have a number of concerns about this synopsis, however, before I air them I'd like to know where, in this timeline, does the story fragment (the 1,000 word short story) occur?
posted
My concern is that the narrative is larger than the container into which it's fitted.
If one thousand words is the length of the narrative, the sweep and scope of events feels to me impossible to fit. Short length, micro fiction, likewise is a microcosm within a grand sweep and scope of events, which may shape the events of substance, though otherwise left out.
Short fiction is limited in events, settings, and characters, idea and milieu, too. This narrative of roughly a thousand words has Scott and now Harmony for characters, a starfall event posed as an inciting crisis -- the start -- and a grassland field, a summit, a village settings so far.
The epic law of seven agonists for an ensemble cast may fit into a four or five or so thousand words narrative, though more apropos for novels, is a daunting challenge for a thousand words' narrative. The guidance, though of that "epic law" is to number and model characters, settings, and events to a given narrative's length.
Even with the above synopsis given, I cannot extract a suitable magnitude complication for the micro narrative's length. Complication is a fundamental aspect of narrative's drama; that is, a want and problem in opposition wanting satisfaction. Scott wants to see the last starfall; that's a want though of low magnitude. What problem or problems oppose satisfying that want? There, to me, is potential. The starfall is an opportunity for malicious forces to disguise an invasion. That then is when the action begins, with a problem instead of a want and that causes the pivotal want to surface, if that's the intent. Scott is confronted by a problem. Still, of too large a magnitude for a micro narrative, I believe.
I don't know, though, what want Scott might have from the invasion problem. Stop the invasion, welcome the invasion, stall, hide, escape, warn his people, etc.? Still to me of too large a magnitude for a micro narrative, or a daunting challenge.
A short story by pen name John Sentry, Algirdas Budrys, past screener judge of the L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future contest and editor of the annual anthology -- his short story "The Stoker and the Stars" (Project Gutenberg), first publication Astounding Science Fiction, February 1959, persuasively manages such daunting challenges in 4300 words.
The short story, though, uses several artful narrative devices to condense, summarize, and explain a sweeping scope of events, settings, characters, ideas, and milieus that span, literally, the Milky Way galaxy and an undefined range of time, though only one forefront agonist and the narrator are the narrative's dramatic personae.
The voice -- method of narrative discourse is indirect discourse, which is what is otherwise known as tell, successful tell though, in my estimation. The summary and explanation manner of the narrative is subtly and dramatically packaged. The idea, as our host Orson Scott Card labels such emphasis, of the narrative is the emphasis and the force of its unity, which holds up as a focused and completed action and effect.
Another feature is the form is of an apostrophe, a direct address to an audience that is not present and is implied, like an interview given to a news correspondent and radio broadcast to that audience. Overt cues such is the case are absent, though. The methods and patterns of the discourse imply the interviewer and the audience.
Yet 4300 words, four and more times one thousand. Narrowed event, setting, character, idea, and milieu focus warrants consideration, I feel. Or a longer narrative. The synopsis' content suggests to me the inspiration will fit into a novel's length.
posted
Sorry to take so long, Reticulum, had a busy day. Right now, I have more questions than answers for you, I’m sorry to say, however some of my questions and observations may prove useful to you.
The issues I have with your synopsis aren’t major, however they are likely to be those small pebbles, which once they start rolling down the hill, will cause an avalanche. The first of these is your use of sentience and sapience. Let me quote the Artificial Intelligence sub-heading in the Wikipedia entry for sentience:
quote:Although the term "sentience" is usually avoided by major artificial intelligence textbooks and researchers, the term is sometimes used in popular accounts of AI to describe "human level or higher intelligence" (or artificial general intelligence). Many popular accounts of AI confuse sentience with sapience or simply conflate the two concepts. Such use of the term is common in science fiction.
So, I guess the follow-up question to this is, just what did you envision about these robots? AI, or AL (Artificial Life); and to what extent?
The next issue is, after the humans of Persephone attack the robots and are driven off, are we to expect that these military robots will simply ignore the assault? First contact for the robots with humans: aren’t they curious?
My final issue is with the transformation of society from democracy to autocracy, with a small detour to dabble with totalitarianism. If, as the timeline suggests, totalitarianism took hold, surely the ‘Party’ would have maintained control without allowing the so-called Leader to set themselves above them. However, if we look at the German, Russian, Chinese, and North Korean totalitarian states of the last century (20th), the cult of the Supreme Leader is never far below the surface. The reason I find an issue with this part of your synopsis is that I find this has the most fascinating possibilities and yet it seems to be being brushed off; a personal peeve.
What I do like is to finally have an antagonist who is doing only what he thinks is right and best for his people.
Now, your short story.
For such a grand, sweeping tale as outlined in your synopsis, 1,000 words or so will never be enough. And I don’t think that’s what you intended. All such a short story could ever hope to achieve is to capture a single pivotal moment in the life of a character. An “Ah!” moment. A moment of revelation, or of resolve, or of dissolution, or of decision, or some other exquisite narrative complication. Such a story needs, in my opinion, to be carefully crafted to reach its maximum level of narrative tension and uncertainty in the last paragraph or two. Freytag’s climax and falling action contained within a single moment at the end. Or, perhaps one of Aristotle's reversal of the situation scenes could provide a satisfying end.
I have a short story currently gathering dust while I decide whether to write it in an epistolary style or not. It certainly lends itself to that because the climax is revealed in the last sentence. Anywho, back to your story.
So, what does your main character want right now and what’s stopping him from getting it? Can you cast this fragment into a story with its own internal beginning, middle, and end? Where does it start and where is it going as it reaches its climax? What is its climax? Is there one? Does the story actually end, or is it segued into your synopsis?
If you intend the last, I would be a very annoyed reader. No matter how short the story, I want a beginning, middle, and a satisfying end; not some promo or preview for a story to come. The beginning and the end can be as short as practicable, even reduced to a sentence or two, leaving a middle within which you can develop the character, tension and plot.
Finally, I get the feel you aren’t absolutely certain of the story you are trying to fit into these thousand words. But, I could be wrong.
Phil.
[ February 13, 2015, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]
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posted
Thank you for all of your comments and commentary, I appreciate them immensely. I will reply more in depth soon, but I finally figured out the main plot and conflict.
Scott is a linguist and communicator, and after the initial attack on the Robots fails, the government/military of Persephone decides that he is the perfect candidate to front their totalitarian state. Scott rejects this vehemently, but his girlfriend Harmony is taken hostage, forcing him to go along with their plans. The plot then follows the transformation of society, partially at Scott's hands, into a totalitarian state, examining the complex moral decisions he must make in the face of an uncertain enemy. Will Scott become corrupted? Will the military play fair and release Harmony? Will he ever see her again?
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posted
Persephone is bitterly divided between ideologies, which has caused wars in the past. When two groups nearly begin rioting, Scott, intervenes and talks them down, saving the city from a bloody confrontation. This is how the audience becomes acquainted with his social prowess and the beginning of his rise to power via a third political party. he wants to avoid war in the face of an uncertain foe (the robots), and begins to obtain followers and consolidate power. This is how the military becomes interested him.
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