This one is a WIP so I am really only interested in intro appeal currently. Been a while side I have written fantasy. Forgotten how fun it can be.
Intel about the dragon had landed me in Atlanta. A hot roof overlooking Spellman Theatre became a three week stakeout. Even when I was't there the All-Seeing Eye remained and I kept track in my viewing orb. I had been in deep op so long, I had so many charms, I didn't remember who I was anymore. I am in a woman's body, It occurred to me when the waitress came to my table. "Nice orb" she said. I tried to remember not to stare at her tits. "What are ya watching?" she asked. "Star watching, celebs. Did you see what Beyonce wore to the grammy's" "I can't keep up. I have been busy working two jobs and selling blood to keep me and my kids in charms and fed. Neighborhood is getting rough. Cost of magic is getting high."
The first two sentences hooked me in, I like a character who sounds like a hard-boiled gumshoe. Then, it all went to pot.
How to explain it. I felt like I was caught in the surf and a big wave of incomprehensible facts was trying to drown me. Honestly, from "I had been in deep op . . ." onwards, I have abso-freakin-lutely no idea of what you're talking about.
Too much too soon I think to be a successful hook. You have some intriguing concepts, but I feel that you're trying too hard to get the reader's attention. The effort calls attention to itself and personally turns me off from the narrative.
I think I would have to read the whole story to give a suggestion of a better place, or a better way, to start.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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The first line got me hooked...but, my interest threatened to derail when the focus shifted heavily to the waitress. She *might* be integral to the story, but making that switch so early in the story takes away (for me, anyway) from your potential to feed my growing interest in why your MC is searching for a dragon in the first place.