Doors up and down the hall burst open. She knew that she had been caught again. Mrs. Jondas grabbed her elbow and marched the length of the hall to the principal's office. Mr. Clemens looked annoyed.
"Third time this week. Why don't you take a rest, Melissa?" Why couldn't she take a rest? What kind of question was that to ask someone who just got caught skipping classes? Mr. Clemens was way too nice, and she knew that the weakness would someday spit itself back in his face.
"I'll try, Mr. C." She replied. Yeah right. Try not to be caught next time, she thought.
"Well, I'm glad you are putting the effort into it, Melissa. For that effort, I am letting you off the hook. But no more cutting class!" Melissa nodded but knew that there would be more. If Mr. Clemens knew why, he would not be on her case like this. But he didn't. And it was best that way. She walked out of the office and saw for the first time the new kid.

But since your new and you've already posted anyway, I'll certainly give you a critque...

I love the opening. It starts well enough with good writing, and good character introduction. Melissa and Adam are quite life-like. I think the first part you can keep as it, because while there are a couple of things that might need changing if your current formula changes. I thought these weaker points included that Melissa's first conversation was too abruptly began in ending (it was short) Maybe a little more time in Melissa's head would be nice? Also, you didn't answer why she was skipping. That's alright at first because I expected you to answer that later, but.... you didn't.

The second part also begins well enough, and the first conversation with Adam and Melissa goes well, but then things begin to get worse from here. I noticed a weaking in the actual writing as you described the operation and the events leading up that. Too much passive voice, it gets muddled who POV we're seeing, and it bogs down the story. But it does raise more questions, which again, it alright, cause i'm expecting answers to be forthcoming, meanwhile your are building interest...

Third part again sorts of blends into the second, and again it just felt a little to passive and without a stronly defined point of view. Almost as if you've lapsed into reported.. Then the deathblow comes with the secnd conversation with the principle. Him being dragged out and policemen appearing simply throws too much on to my plate! I'm gone from wondering "what is going?" on to "this doesn't make any sense!" That's close to the death of any story. "What's going on" keeps me reading, but the latter stops readers cold. You, knowly or not, provide lots of great lead-ins to the story and mystery like..

Why was Melissa skipping? & does she like it here?
What does she mean when she tells Adam not many kids get to come here?
Who was the man who attacks them?
What did the nurse do to them?
Why did the police come?

These are all good by themselves, but at some point you must start throwing out some hints and or answers that lead to the next question. Too many questions thrown out one right after another are the death of this opening...You are'nt given too long in a short story to establish questions and then provide answers, so you have build your suspenseful story carefully....

good work, and welcome to Hatrack, Writer_Actress. If you haven't reported in, please do, in either with an introduction post or in the roll call section.

If you want your work published, you need to send it to people who do publish it, like magazine and anthology and book editors.

If you post it on this website, then those people will not be interested in paying you money for your work because they only pay when they get to publish it first (they want you to not have used up your first electronic rights--which is what happens when you post a story on the website).

Please, no more than the first thirteen lines of a story here.

Also it is the way it is. If it has been published electronicly then the rights are gone. How would they know? You sign a contract. Are you honest in that signing? You should be. And what of the umpteen visitors to this site or any. Hey I saw that on hatrack---hey I wounder if this guy stole the idea and all at once everyone knows you had it up at such and such a place.(people will do anything to get in the news these days)

NEVER ever put a complete final draft of anyting on the web for critique. If it's published ok, but otherwise do not do it.

Are you King? I don't know. BUt even he had to start out somewhere. And many authors go back and polish and publish earlier work after they have been discovered.

I just prefer not to take the chance.

This isn't a "private" website, it's very very public, and who's to say that DelRey or White Wolf or others aren't around here periodically? I think the safest bet is to join a critique group (haven't done so myself, yet, but if you get a good one I hear it's...well, good) or solicit from the group some folks you could e-mail the pieces to for review. I'm of the mind 'better safe than sorry'.

And a final thought -- think of the 13 lines as the manuscript submission, or heck, actually write the querry. If you can get those 13 lines, or the mock querry to really grab our attention, you'll have people beating down your inbox asking to read and critique for you. And it'll be good practice to boot.

And the first 13 lines are gripping, but they barely get into the plot.

I'm an editor with White Wolf publishing. I hop around sites like this (I'm a editor and OSC fan, after all) to see what 'amature' writers are talking about. I see a story here, the full thing, a really good short that someone posted to get feedback on. I read it, like it, and I strike up an e-mail relationship with the author (it could happen). After a few months, a few more shorts (posted on the site for critique), she submits them for an on-line anthology, a new endeavor White Wolf is doing. The contract says first electronic rights (or some such mumbo jumbo)...now, is it really first electronic rights?

I see the scenario holding true for private websites. You have your homepage on your bio, I see some of your writing here, like it, look at your bio and zip off to your homepage. There you have several poems and stories. I've read them, and who knows how many others have read them. Again, can you submit them for first rights publication?

I just want to say I'm not published, am not a publisher, and really don't want to defend this too hard. I'm just going by what I've read/heard about the industry. For me, why take the risk?

Now, this does raise a question about story fragments, and this may have been what you were asking all along (it takes me a while to get there sometimes). If I post a chapter for critique, only one of the entire story (not each chapter as I finish it), does that sill hold true to what I've said above? Kathleen? Anyone??

And what about copyright of web-posted material? Do I have to have 'Copyright 2001 JPCarney' at the end of each page? Just somewhere on the site to cover all pages? Does it become public domain if I don't have it on there (as it would publishing it in, say, an organization newsletter)?

I've read a bit on the subject of copyright, and this ---> http://lcweb.loc.gov/copyright/ <----- is an obvious good starting point. If there are others out there, I'd love to see them. Of course there are plenty of books and chapters in books on the subject.

Anyway, that's my two cents for now. Enjoying the topic!

I point to JK Rowlings<sp> and what she is going through right now. I have no idea if she is guilty or not. But how would you like to open a book and find that someone else has used YOUR idea that you posted on the net? Say a book on the best seller list? Copyright your work, and protect your ideas.

As to a chapter----the warning is don't post a final draft of anything. Or any part of it. Web sites that allow only the first 13 or so lines are wise to do so. It's hard to steal an idea form just 13 lines where as a whole chapter---especially a first chapter--can give the whole idea away. After all, your first chapter sets up the story.

What I want to know is can I still publish it? I don't care about it getting stolen, I'm not worried about that. But this is the best thing I've ever written, ever. If I change up the beginning, edit it enough, and it turns out to only be a third or a fourth or a fifth of the final work, would it matter? PARTS of it were "published" but it wasn't the whole work. So I don't understand what the big deal is.

Plus, what's this ELECTRONIC RIGHTS junk anyway? I want it in book form, on paper, not online. I'm not even going for a magazine--it's a book. a BOOK. And *please* don't give me the start-out-on-magazines lecture.

Oh, JP -- V:TES rules!

I will try not to slip into complete arrogance...

I am writing on a level close to that of Orson Scott Card and Stephen King. I'm sorry, that's very braggish, but it's true. Many people like the story but don't seem to realize--I'm 12. If I'm already writing way up there, I will be phenomenal in a year.

This book could hit big. BIG big. And I will not accept that because I posted it in a few places it is a "reprint". "Print" means place on paper--it wasn't on paper except a single copy I own.

If I get this finished, I will ask the publisher. I will do what I can. Because this is good.

I know, it's arrogant, but I can't just be modest any longer. This was not a four page junky story. It is not cliche. It is original, well-written, and GOOD. For a 12 year old, it IS incredible. I'm sorry, I'm usually so modest. People say it's so wonderful, beg for more, and I just say "thanks". Only 5 people out of over 20 that have read it had ANY critique.

I can't accept this. I'm sorry, I just can't. I will find a publisher that knows what he's got.

This isn't frustrating--if there's no way around this, then i will be more upset than I have ever been before. I will do whatever it takes to get this in print, electronic rights or not.

I'm sorry, I'm not usually this rude. I'm really not. But this is horrifying--not just ANNOYING. I have gone far beyond that. If I was rewriting four pages, then, OK, fine. Maybe even ten manuscript pages. But SEVENTY manuscript pages of the very best thing I have ever written, something a lot better than what many, many, college students are writing--no.

hardcover
trade paperback
mass market paperback
digest
abridgment
condensation
selection
anthology
collection
book club
reprint edition
first serial
syndication
merchandising
motion picture (theatrical)
television
dramatic adaptation (live theatrical)
radio
audio (books on tape)
multimedia (interactive digital and games)
electronic

My current column at www.wildchildpublishing.com is about a Writer’s Rights.

Simply saying you will not accept the fact isn’t going to change the way it is. It does not fall under reprint rights so much as it falls under the idea that you have given away a “right” that the publisher wanted. Re-print refers to a story that has been published in any form in its entirety and final form.

One rule of thumb for any proud beginning author -- research your rights issue thoroughly before displaying any of your work anywhere publicly. It will save a headache/heartache later.

Let me tell you a little story. I teach in the middle school---6-8th grade. we recently had a young authors conference here and students submitted "books" they had made to be able to go to a mini writers conference with well known authors that would speak. Not all the books entered were complete--some ended with "to be continued". I read through many entries and the sad thing is--we found several books that the author could not have written. How did we know? For one thing they were out of style with what the student normally writes, they were also at a more advanced stage of writing.

These students went out and found some "free stuff" on the net and cut and pasted and printed and put their name on it.

Their response--"hey it was my work." "stuff on the net is free, so what's the big deal?"

now let's say that a very good student did this. Their writing is always top notch and they just got lazy. Found some "good" stuff and barrowed it. They go on to win the young authors. Years down the road you open a book and Oh my gosh!!!!! It's your idea and story. You try to sue. The author denies it. THE PUBLISHER IS MADDER THAN HECK!

This is why Kathleen doesn't want any more than 13 lines up here I suspect.

If your writing is as good as you say then you should not have any of it up anywhere. No more than what a person browsing in a book store would read is a good rule of thumb. You're latching on to bits and pieces of what we are telling you.

And in all honesty you probably don't have to worry about it much. It may be years down the road before you try to publish the work. I too remember being twelve. I completed my first book in 7th grade. It was the best thing I had ever written. I just knew every publisher there was would be standing in line to buy it. Looking back on the novel now I can see that I was 12 when I wrote it. It was a great piece of work for a 12yr old. But that isn’t going to sway a publisher. The only reason they care about age is that you are not too old to write a few more novels.

Get some adults to read the book that don’t know you are twelve—and see what they have to say. And relax about this thing. Have you taken it off the net? If not, do so. If you do manage to interest a publisher or agent, be honest. Say, “I had some of this on my Web site in 2001—but when I realized how good it was, I removed it.” They may ask you how many hits it got, ect. So see if you can get that info from your Web host.

Writing a book, especially one you see as your greatest work ever—can be exciting and the temptation to share with everyone around is very great. Next time and in the future of this piece, don’t do it. Join a crit group—here or elsewhere, and get some honest feedback from those who don’t care about hurting your feelings and go from there.

Shawn

This open discussion area is part of the writers forum for those age 18 and over.

We are willing to have younger people here if they can act maturely, but we do not have to put up with temper tantrums.