posted
I just started on this idea today an I'm looking for opinions on how it's going so far. And I really haven't named anything yet, I think I'm going to try names after I've gotten more down and see how it unfolds. So I'm just gonna put up the first paragraph (not that there's much more) and anyone who's still interested can email me at jehovoid@hotmail.com for what else I've written or you can just comment on what I've posted.
He lived on the island. An island is a piece of land surrounded by water. This island was all that he knew, all that anybody knew. The water did an excellent job of surrounding it. No foreign birds or alien vessels ever landed on its shores. Many people would climb the peak far inland at sunrise or at sunset and search the fiery horizon only to find the loneliness present in nature’s glory. Or lying on the beach at night, the waves relentless on the shore, they would look up and see in between the stars the unfathomable void; and they knew it was deeper than the life-giving Ocean. And since he could remember, he’d been searching too.
posted
Well, it's an alright start, though in the next few paragraphs you've alot of ground to retake as it's imo loosing the reader in the blandness of what's written. Now yes, we all know the first paragraph is a freebie, but again it's imo that the first paragraph should do something for the reader, eg show them an intriguing scene, set the tone for the following story, or even give a bit of back info for the reader to use.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
That paragraph looks like what is called an "establishing shot" in filmwork.
Lots of writers use them, but I wouldn't recommend doing it at the very beginning because the purpose at the beginning is to hook the reader, and the purpose of an establishing shot is to let the viewer/reader know where we are after a break in the story.
If you want to be sure to hook a reader, the emphasis at the beginning of a story should be on the character, not the setting. Don't TELL the reader about general perceptions of this island, SHOW the character on the island and give us a clue about the character's problem (whether the problem is with the island, as it appears to be in your paragraph, or with something else).
You don't give enough of a clue with the remembering/searching stuff. Remembering what? Searching for what? Why should the reader care?
You need to dangle more carrot there to get the reader to continue.
posted
I would suggest removing the second sentence. It is stating the obvious *chuckle* and some people might become annoyed and feel the author is talking down to them, sort of a "I *know* what a island is..." reaction.
Now if you took out tha "A island is" and just said "There was nothing but water to be seen on all sides" to give it a sense of isolation, then that would work better.
Don't take this the wrong way, I don't want to sound condescending or such especially as I've yet to even finish a story (outside of that log story, and that was just a rough draft really).
posted
Unless you were *trying* to sound tongue-in-cheek, but in that case you might want to add another comment of that nature into the first paragraph, just to let the reader know that no, it wasn't a fluke; you do intend to carry that tone throughout the story. I know my first reaction was to chuckle at the comment, but then when it wasn't followed up in the next couple of sentences I felt disappointed.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
::laughs:: don't mind me, I just read it again, and the sentence "The water did an excellent job of surrounding it." did indeed provide a follow-up bit of mild humor. (Again, always assuming that's what you're going for.)
Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Personaly, I don't think this piece is that bad. Why the reader should care? S/he should care to find out why this guy (the pov characters) didn't know what an insland is and it seamed to him so strange he had to discribe it. (At least, that's why I would keep on reading...)
[This message has been edited by Bardos (edited October 16, 2001).]
posted
First off one thing I always like to do is read things out loud and really listen to how the words sound when spoken. Try it and tell us what your impressions of your own work are after you do that. (That is if you don't mind doing so).
In any case what I noticed when reading the first couple sentences is that they don't really flow off the tip of the tongue but the content is good and so is the idea. I just think maybe a word or two, maybe change a few around would bring it to a whole new level.
My other comment is sort of a picky one in your third sentence you use the phrase many people. Why not expand that into detail like the young women and men of the island or the people man, woman, child, grandmother and grandfather would (and on with the story). Not sure you should use those exact examples above but some kind of detail about what people would help to draw people in further.
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