posted
Can I say this, or more correctly, can I write this?? does it sound as stupid to you as it does to me? I want it to flow well, but its from Johnny's POV and i feel it wouldnt be right if the reader didnt know johnny was lying
Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Putting "Johnny lied to Timmins" between the discourse marker "well" and the lie itself reads as if "well" is Johnny's lie.
Developing context to show that Johnny lied about being innocent would obviate the need for the narrator to tell that Johnny's lying.
As it is, it's punctuated as a dialogue attribution instead of an action tag or internal discourse. //well." Johnny lied to Timmins. "I am innocent, after all."//
"After all" in this usage is a parenthetical aside that a comma separates from a main clause for clarity. Otherwise it reads as though Johnny is innocent after all else or other guilty parties? I don't know, innocent after all other consideration? "After all" in the original seems to be an adverbial clause without a verb to modify.
//"well, after all, I am innocent, you know." Johnny lied to Timmins.// Even that last is from a narrator's point of view rather than Johnny's.
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited May 14, 2009).]
posted
Yea, that last one Extrinsic, I want it like that one, but im having trouble not stumbling on the word lied, seems out of place when in the POV of johnny no?
Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
What about taking out the "to Timmins" or do we need that information? That moves "Johnny lied" back to being a dialogue tag instead of an action.
"Well, after all, I am innocent, you know," Johnny lied.
posted
Yeah, Johny's point of view seems like one not suited to directly tell that he's lying. Tobias Wolfe in This Boy's Life gets around outright telling he's lying by an introspective dip in personal psychic access, in first person no less, where it's easy to slip into detrimental telling. He meditates on his tendency to reinvent himself and try on different public personas through his lying, well, prevarications anyway.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Agreeing with what's come before, I'll throw in a couple more ideas as I think it's a fun exercise to categorize different ways this dialogue might be used in affecting a reader's understanding of the story.
Telling the reader what, because they won't guess... "Well, I am innocent after all," Johnny lied.
Telling the reader why, because we've not told them previously... "Well, I am innocent after all," Johnny said, hoping Potter would not realize that it was, in fact, he who had stolen the X33 super space missiles with bonus coffee dispensers.
Foreshadowing (with different levels of subtlety) so the reader doesn't burn our book when they find out later... "Well, I am innocent after all," Johnny said, quickly shifting his gaze to Watson's secretary.
or
Johnny blanched at Watson's suggestion. "Well, I am innocent after all."
or
"Well, I am innocent after all," Johnny said. Watson raised an eyebrow as he paused to review his notes. Johnny forced himself to ignore it, mentally working through a relaxation exercise.
Using an unreliable narrator to reshape everything that went before the reveal... "Well, I am innocent after all."
Using first person to change our distance... "Well, I am innocent after all," I said. I hoped he'd buy it, the last thing I needed was...
3rd person omniscient... "Well, I am innocent after all," Johnny lied. As Watson raised a disbelieving eyebrow and reviewed his notes neither he nor Johnny could foresee how much trouble this half truth would soon land them in.
posted
"Well, I tell you," Johnny said, "It was me, I killed them all--your whole family--and now..." He stepped towards Timmins. "...I am going to gut you, too." He pulled out a small swiss army knife from his pocket and clicked open the tiny blade. Timmins didn't move, just continued munching on the carrot and watching him with big brown eyes. The other rabbits seemed to know and bounced back into the hutch. Yeah, he was always the dumb one, Johnny thought as leaned over the wire to grab him.
(I just thought that since he was guilty, he ought to admit it in one of the universes)
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 16, 2009).]
posted
An hour later, Johnny was using the same tiny pocketknife to slice Timmins' remainders into strips small enough for a stew. He wasn't a bad guy, he told himself. Why should it bother him? It didn't bother him. Timmins was a rabbit, for Pete's sake.
And then he realized he was talking to himself out loud: "Timmins is a rabbit, for Pete's sake," and he had to take that as an indication that it did bother him.
He sliced off a strip of Timmins and flicked it into the stew pot.
Well damn it, why shouldn't it bother him? Sure he was a professional, and he didn't, as a matter of practice, let himself get attached to his targets, but this one had been different. He hadn't wanted to take the job, but when the rabbit he knew only as "Bogart" had pushed the envelope across the table, and when Johnny had flipped through the contents and counted the bills...well, how do you turn down something like that?
Johnny was a hitman, though, not a con artist. He had spent many years developing the moral numbness required to kill a complete stranger, but betraying a friend was different. And there had been a time when he had called Timmins friend.
But that was a long time ago.
[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited May 16, 2009).]
posted
Devnal - If this is the first time that Johnny's innocence / guilt is proven, why are you using an attribute tag to show this presumably important development? IMO, it'd be more effective to let the reader think he's telling the truth, and then reveal the truth in a scene - internal dialog or something else.
Even better might be to show him lying about something unrelated, as this raises issues of character and gets the reader wondering if he's lying to Timmins too.
posted
wetwilly, you never know when some just-for-fun writing around here can turn into "real writing" (or, should we call it "creative writing"?) Besides, all writing is real writing, because it's written.
posted
Hmm... I have been wanting to write a hitman story for quite some time, KDW. I've just never developed it any further than wanting to write about a hitman. It's been done so well so many times that I can't think of anything to add to to it. Maybe this is just it: a hitman with a moral dilemma over having to whack his childhood pet.
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