posted
ok, here's the fine-tuning (as a bonus i can now squeeze in more dialog) the king's "Because I executed children?" is supposed to be mocking and sarcastic, so i'll leave it as is.
*does the 2nd sentence work? *is the difference between Eltheon and the king clear or still blurry?
Ivorria’s voice, usually musical and light, sent chills through Eltheon that night. Even muffled by the door, it came across as harsh and brittle as she hurled accusations at the king. “How heartless, brutal, and unfeeling a man can you be? I’ve not said a word against you in the past, my lord, or dwelt on the cruelties you use to run this kingdom, but I cannot ignore what went on yesterday…it is inhuman.” “Because I executed children?” he cut in, “There are now just that many less whining cursing peasant mouths to feed.” Nothing but an audible gasp from the lady. He went on, “And what would you have me do otherwise?” “The children were blameless, Breagg! Why could you not let them be and punish the adults alone?”
thanks for all the input!
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 16, 2007).]
posted
All right, now I really want to know what the king did.
I think you're at a point where you should move on past the first 13 lines and work on the heart of the story. You can, of course, keep tweaking the opening for the rest of your life and it may even get a little better each time, but you'll never have a story. This is pretty good. Now you need to write a whole story and get feedback on it. Is this a short story? I don't remember anymore...when you've finished, you can send it to me. I won't promise a quick turnaround but I will look at it and comment.
posted
Well the first thing I noticed is that I have no idea who's POV I was in after reading it. At first I thought I was just reading purely omniscient narrative. Then I reread it and figured out there was another character listening through a door. Okay, so this tells me I wasn't grounded very tighty in the first characters head before we start eavesdropping on the other characters. Not a fatal flaw, but still pretty annoying. I like to know where Im at within the first couple of lines.
My suggestion is that your beginning this wrong, pick a spot where we can learn about and get used to Eltheon. Or do it all through a memory as current event (similiar to a flashback) where Eltheon is remembering it in horror, getting the heck out of there before she (or is it a he) gets caught. Remember to use Eltheon's POV strongly though, skew everything through that, don't give away anything that Eltheon didn't know about.
The main point is, give me something to hold onto as far as POV, and it will hook me.
posted
I wouldn't usually interject, but I just have to say that I disagree with the PP about the POV. It is true that we're not deeply inside the POV character's head and in fact, if you wanted to make this omniscient it would be possible at this point, but there is absolutely no rhyme, reason, or rule that the first thing you have to do is drive us deeply into someone's head and keep us there.
The conversation is the setup here, not the character listening through the door. When he become important, I have confidence that we'll get to know him better.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited January 16, 2007).]
posted
Establish Eltheon's reasons for eavesdropping on the king and Ivorria. This allows you to establish that Ivorria is his wife as well as telling us what kind of relationship she has with the king.
By doing that, you let us know that Eltheon is the POV, that he's eavesdropping, and just what is at stake in this conversation.
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