posted
I'm in the process of writing a fantasy novel, I'm currently on the third draft, but I know if the opening is wrong, then nothing else matters. So, here are the first 13 lines, for your critiquing pleasure.
Branches scraped at Rupert's skin as he ran through the woods at break-neck speed. He knew with all the exposed roots and forest growth he should be more careful, but lives were at stake. He shouldn't have let them go alone, but he had been needed, he was the head captain of the army, after all. But Lionel and Nicolette had a child, almost sixteen years old.
Rupert shook off such thoughts as he ran. No one would die if he got there in time. He looked up and saw that the sun had almost set. The creature had told him they would be killed at sunset. Such creatures could not often be trusted, but pain could be a great motivator. Rupert didn't enjoy using it to get results, but he knew it was sometimes necessary.
From the directions the redcap had given him, he knew he must be
Matt
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2007).]
That is, this can be interesting (and probably will be), but things keep happening without me knowing why -- or finding out until later. I can't care about Rupert's flight until I know why he's in motion. I can't even really care about the lives being at stake until I know why he thinks that.
posted
Whose lives? Who are Lional and Nicolette? What army? Which has he abandoned? Who is he trying to save? From what?
I don't need all of this explained in the first 13, but you DO keep introducing things and then switch your attention elsewhere.
If it's a novel, it doesn't need a breaknack opening like this. Establish character, or setting, or motivation, or something... just something. Instead, you show us a bunch of little pieces and don't even hint how they might fit together.
posted
Ditto. For a novel opening this moves far too quickly, jumping from point to point. Slow down the narrative and introduce the backstory slower.
As far as what is actually written in your first 13, the writing could be tightened up. There's a run-on sentence in there, plus so overly wordy portions. This is all secondary to the pacing and content though.
posted
Okay, my first response is of the general "you people have no idea what you're talking about, can't you tell I'm a genious?". That's usually when I turn off the computer and relax because I don't want to be the kind of person that thinks any editor that rejects me must be an idiot. I try to learn from criticism. Then I reread and say, "you know, they're probably right".
I wanted to start the novel with an action sequence, but I'm trying to dump a lot of info in too. I really like the scene that takes place after this. There's no conversation, the main character witnesses something, but can't do anything about it. Is it a good idea to start with an action scene and work in the info later? I don't know. If my start is crap, then nothing creative or wonderful that happens anywhere else in the novel is worthless.
posted
I think the opening paragraph of a novel doesn't have to explain everything. Of course, you could throw a rough explanation our way of certain things without having to go into the whole story, just enough to satisfy us for the moment. Then follow up soon. As for the hook, I have to say, I've read alot of opening lines of stories on this forum, and a lot of them start with the MC running through the woods, or running from something. I realize that this is an intense way to begin and it seems like a reasonable way to hook, but I think it is overdone. A more creative opening always catches my attention.
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You probably have most of the information you need in there if you reorder it and take a bit more time with the details. You can still start with this action and tell me more. Your start's not "crap" it's just not quite there yet.
If it were me (and forgive the presumption), I would start with:
The {insert type of creature) had told (Rupurt that) (who? his family, village, sister's children) would be killed at sunset. He looked up and saw that the sun had almost set. Branches (tore gashes in) Rupert's skin as he ran through the woods.
Now I know, (1) why he's running; (2) that he's almost out of time; and (3) what the stakes are.
The "redcap" comment seemed odd to me since I was thinking of a taxi cab as the "redcap." Tell me what a redcap is or I will make assumptions, which in this case are probably wrong.
Assuming you clarify and smooth out the narrative, you probably wil hook me.
posted
I think that your first sentance is fine as is. You also seem to be fine, orderwise at least, with the information you do give us. The problem is simply that you give us all the wrong information and none of the right information.
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posted
I liked it...I would like to read on. It does remind one of the RPG's where they throw you into the middle of the action at the very beginning of the game, and try to throw in a tutorial at the same time. FFVII is a perfect example of that.
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posted
Info-dumping is not a bad thing, but it is never good when it only leads to more questions. You want to give the kind of information that doesn't confuses the reader. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I believe that is what Survivor meant by "wrong information".
"He shouldn't have let them go alone" - Is the narrator judging him? Or probing his thoughts? Perhaps it should be more like "He knew he'd regret it, but he had to let them go."
posted
Thanks for all the comments. I just finished the third draft of the novel. It stands at about 110,000 words, so I think I need to tighten it up as much as possible. Next week I'll start the third draft so I can work on the opening.
This first thirteen lines is almost prologue, but I know OSC doesn't like prologue. But I've seen him use it, and I might throw this info in there anyway. This scene happens a year before the main events of the story, and is very brief. So, I'm debating.
posted
Yes, the information isn't "wrong" in the sense of being incorrect, it is "wrong" in the sense of being presented out of context, which leaves us confused as to what, exactly, it is supposed to mean. The information what would establish the context necessary to the rest of the information has been omitted.
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