posted
Is anyone willing to look at my Query letter for King's Falcon?
Something about it is bothering me and I can't quite place it. Also, it would help to have someone who is less familiar with the story look at the summary.
Help please!
EDIT -
SEE the June 5, 2007 entry on page 2 for the latest version.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited February 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited March 13, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 05, 2007).]
posted
SUre I'll look at it. I'd be happy to role-play the agent and/or publisher. Though I can't promise my experience will be too useful. Send it away to speedlimitless@hotmail.com
Posts: 2195 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Since it isn't something publishable (so you don't have to worry about using up your electronic publishing rights if you post it here), you may post your query letter so we can all give you feedback on it.
Query letters shouldn't be very long anyway, so the length shouldn't be a problem either.
Also thank you to WBriggs and Zero, I've tried to incorporate your comments:
Dear XY:
I enjoyed talking with you during the SEAK Legal Fiction Writing for Lawyers seminar in October. I am writing to you regarding representation of my first novel, The King’s Falcon, a 103,000 word fantasy. Pursuant to your request, please find enclosed the first hundred pages of my novel.
Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. She is the heir to a kingdom, and hides in plain sight from her power-loving suitors as "Falcon," a spy for Queen Sabrina of Fayette, a neighboring realm. But when the Queen falls ill, Kauril must choose between the path she was born to follow and the one she has created. Sabrina pleads with Kauril to abandon “Falcon” and marry the King of Fayette thus uniting the kingdoms as their parents wished. Kauril must persuade the King to divest Mordent, his First Advisor, of the administration of Tarishah. Mordent, however, endeavors to seduce Kauril and retain control over her kingdom. While Kauril struggles against her contradictory feelings for Mordent, the clash between Kauril and “Falcon” causes Tarishah to spiral ever closer to civil war.
My experience as a trial lawyer has given me a unique insight into the choices we make in life and the lies we tell ourselves to justify our actions, which are central themes in the novel. In addition I am a member of Hatrack.com, Libertyhall.com, and Romance Writers of America and a 2006 NaNoWrit winner.
With your assistance, I believe that The Kings’ Falcon can be an engaging and successful addition to your agency’s publications. Thank you for your kind attention to this request.
Here are my nits (I hope you don't mind my posting them here):
quote:Pursuant to your request, please find enclosed the first hundred pages of my novel.
I'd recommend that you say instead
quote:As you requested, I have enclosed the first hundred pages of my novel.
Then, instead of going directly into the description of the story, I think you should preface it with something like "This is a quick summary of The King's Falcon." Or say
quote:The King's Falcon is the story of Princess Kauril of Tarishah who leads a double life.
And so on.
Also, I don't think you need to include
quote:With your assistance, I believe that The Kings’ Falcon can be an engaging and successful addition to your agency’s publications.
Besides, agencies don't publish books, publishers do, and the part of that sentence after the comma is something you'd say to an editor, not an agent. Even then, I'd leave off "With your assistance."
Why is she spying on her own country for another country's Queen?
And why would that Queen want her to marry the King (her husband? after she dies?)?
Also, why is Mordent (the First Advisor of the King of Fayette, right?) administrating Princess Kauril's kingdom? (With a name like Mordent, he sounds like a bad guy, so why do you make it sound as if she is attracted to him? "her contradictory feelings for Mordent")
I'm also not clear why a clash between her two lives would lead to civil war, and while I realize you need an "or-else" factor in your story, I'm not certain you need to mention it in the summary unless you give a little more explanation for the dynamics of the story.
Because of these questions, I found your summary confusing and not very helpful.
posted
I have no problem with the nit outlining, that's why I wanted someone else to look at it. On to the questions:
quote: Why is she spying on her own country for another country's Queen?
Falcon is not spying on her country. She gathers information and solves mysteries. She's more of a private investigator or information broker rather than a true spy.
And why would that Queen want her to marry the King (her husband? after she dies?)?
Because the goal has been to unite the two kingdoms, Falcon can't regain her kingdom until she marries and has an heir. The Queen's son will inherit Falcon's kingdom if she has no children. Sabrina wants Falcon to marry the King for several reasons: (1) Falcon doesn't want children so (2) Sabrina's son will inherit Falcon's kingdom; (3) the kingdoms need to be united because Sabrina's kingdom is dependent on the grain, food, and raw materials (ie the "Stuff") from Falcon's kingdom; (4) Falcon needs to help the King run the realms when they are consolidated; and (5) it accomplishes the goal.
quote: Also, why is Mordent (the First Advisor of the King of Fayette, right?) administrating Princess Kauril's kingdom?
The King can't/ won't do it so he appointed Mordent the Administrator.
quote: With a name like Mordent, he sounds like a bad guy, so why do you make it sound as if she is attracted to him? "her contradictory feelings for Mordent")
He's not a true "black hat" although he is an antagonist. She is attracted to him. If Sabrina hadn't demanded that Falcon marry the King, Falcon would have pursued the relationship with Mordent. So while pursing that relationship is something she personally wants to do, duty won't let her. The plot revolves around the conflicts between personal choices and duty.
quote: I'm also not clear why a clash between her two lives would lead to civil war, and while I realize you need an "or-else" factor in your story, I'm not certain you need to mention it in the summary unless you give a little more explanation for the dynamics of the story.
The problem I am having is that there is a lot of geopolitical stuff going on and it is hard for me to condense that for a Query. I'd love to see George R.R. Martin's Query for The Game of Thrones . Maybe I should go back and look at his blurb. Okay, any suggstions would be helpful.
The explanation:
Kauril is orphaned when she’s five years old. Under the terms of the regency over her kingdom, Kauril can't reclaim her life as the princess of Tarishah unless she marries and bears an heir. If she dies without heirs of her blood, her kingdom passes to Sabrina's children. In order to protect her from suitors who'd only see the crown and a kidnapping threat by warlords from a politically unstable realm (Sabbatus), Sabrina's father decides to create the Falcon identity for Kauril. Falcon's nature causes her to assume the role of a spy/ private investigator.
As an adult, Falcon is asked to return to Fayette (Sabrina’s kingdom) and resume her "Princess" duties because Sabrina is dying and the King has given those duties to Mordent. Unbeknownst to most people (although the reader knows), Mordent is the heir to Sabbatus. He agreed to take over the administration so he could divert food and supplies to Sabbatus to allow it to rebuild after its civil war. Mordent also knows that Falcon is Kauril.
Mordent orders on of his warlords to seek an encampment in Falcon’s kingdom from the King in an attempt to legitimize his diversion of goods. At the same time, Mordent pursues Falcon in an effort to marry her and can assert a lawful claim to Tarishah. There is a confrontation between Falcon and Mordent where Mordent wounds her. Because of the threat to Falcon’s life and to get her out of Fayette, Sabrina asks her to investigate a possible problem in Tarishah. Falcon then discovers that Mordent is diverting goods but can’t find sufficient proof to convict him of treason. When the King acquits Mordent, Tarishah teeters on the verge of rebellion.
quote: Because of these questions, I found your summary confusing and not very helpful.
posted
Okay. I'd like to think about your explanation for a while.
Maybe if you tried just listing the main characters and their goals, as well as how they are at cross purposes to each other, that might help you figure out what to say in your story description.
posted
I like your synopsis, but then again that's me.
My questions...which Queen has fallen ill? Why must Kauril persuade the King (which King, too) to divest Mordent of his administrative duties? Why did you give Mordent such a...mordant name.
You don't need to explain everything, of course. But what you do explain should be crystal clear. Right now, I have to say that the synopsis you gave simply doesn't match up with the story you're telling, and that's going to be bad news.
Survivor's questions...which Queen has fallen ill? Sabrina . I can put her name back in and clear that up.
Why must Kauril persuade the King (which King, too - Jurriaan, Sabrina's husband ) to divest Mordent of his administrative duties?
Because Sabrina is fairly certain that Mordent is doing something he shouldn't. She gets reports from a General inside the country that conflicts the offical reports and edicts.
I didn't use Jurriaan's name in the synopsis because previous readers said in effect that there were too many names to track in such a small space.
Why did you give Mordent such a...mordant name?
A couple of reasons. It's a name that he picks for himself when he's 15 and his kingdom is engulfed in a civil war. Because death ruled the kingdom and not he, he chose a name that invoked death. On the author front - He also is mordant. He is caustic and from a very harsh country. I also liked the other definition of the word - a substance used to fix dye to make it insoluble -because of what he is trying to do which is reorganize the world to suit his objectives.
quote: Right now, I have to say that the synopsis you gave simply doesn't match up with the story you're telling, and that's going to be bad news.
EEEEKK!!!! I was afraid that I'd taken too much out. Any suggestions on how I can convey the detail without overwhelming the reader in it?
Also, the word "rouge" was suggested as an alternate to the word "spy." The word is a better fit but I was concerned about the D&D connotations. Any thoughts?
posted
"Agent". A rogue would be working freelance, selling to the highest (or otherwise most attractive) bidder. An agent carries out missions for a client who has (some) confidence of not being betrayed outright.
Anyway, I think that you also need to explain the unusual regency which is driving the plot, there currently isn't even a hint of it in your synopsis, and it isn't the sort of thing anyone would immediately guess. Since the situation with the regency really is driving the plot in almost every way, restructuring your synopsis in a way that explained it would probably take care of every important point. I would also suggest softening Mordent's name a tad, "Morden" still has some of the feel you want while sounding a bit more like a real name.
Oliverhouse - please feel free to "cut" away. I need it!
****
The Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. The first is interrupted when she is barred from her inheritance of Tarishah until marries and bears an heir. Until that time, Queen Sabrina of Fayette and her husband, Jurriaan will rule Tarishah. To protect Kauril, her second life as “Falcon,” Sabrina’s agent, begins.
Jurriaan delegates the administration of Tarishah to his First Advisor, Mordent. Mordent conceals his status as the heir of Sabbatus, a neighboring realm, from everyone in Fayette. When Sabrina falls ill, she pleads with Kauril to abandon the “Falcon” persona and marry Jurriaan so that Sabrina’s son can inherit both kingdoms. Suspecting Mordent is secretly profited from administering Tarishah, Sabrina charges Kauril with getting Mordent removed as Administrator.
Realizing that Falcon and Kauril are the same woman, Mordent pursues her to retain control of Tarishah’s resources. Torn between her attraction to Mordent and Sabrina’s charge, Kauril almost succumbs to his advances. After Kauril is wounded in a confrontation with Mordent, Sabrina instructs her to return to Tarishah and investigate an apparent issue with the tithe. Kauril uncovers Mordent’s diversion goods and charges him with treason. When Jurriaan acquits Mordent, Tarishah teeters on the verge of rebellion. Kauril vows to bring Mordent to justice and protect Tarishah from the oppressive taxes he’s imposed.
What I see is that you've beat yourself up to tell me what the story is about, but you haven't sold me your story. An agent wants to make money, so you must sell him/her the book, just as though you would sell a potential reading audience; thus the sales blurbs that appear on the back covers, or inside flaps of hardcovers.
When I read the details of your story my brain glazed over and you lost me. You will need to summarize your story to one medium graph including sales language like "page turner" secretly, breathless, rich and colorful . . . Look at the back cover or flap of a similar novel and fashion yours in the same voice and format.
You don't have to tell me all the details of your story. Keep your summary to the MC's objective. "X leads a double life." I like that. "A spy for X queen, she must blah, blah." I don't need everyone's name and all their objectives.
You only get one graph (I think you did that in version one) because you need your introduction first, pitch, credentials and closing all to fit on one page. But you already know that.
posted
P.S. I'm not savvy on the word length for fantasy, but for a first novel of other genres I understand that 75-80,000 words is appropriate. 85,000 words is really pushing your luck. Anything longer runs a great risk of not getting read. The publisher doesn't usually give first timers the option for longer because they are taking a big risk with a new novelist. But I may be wrong about that if it is fantasy. Have you checked on this?
posted
I think if you re-tool the first para of the query and remove/change the word "until" or merge the idea somehow - it would smooth out the roughness "The Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. The first is interrupted when she is barred from her inheritance of Tarishah until (she?) marries and bears an heir. (Until that time)Queen Sabrina of Fayette and her husband, Jurriaan (will) rule Tarishah (awaiting that fateful day or until then.."
The story itself sounds very interesting and full of intrigue. Good Luck!
posted
Yeah, I'll have to second the advice someone mentioned previously about novel length and first time publications. I know I've heard it somewhere too, but I just can't seem to remember.
Drat it.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited January 11, 2007).]
posted
Me too, which is why King's was cut into two books. The agents I talked to said that for fantasy, the average word count is a bit higher (100 - 120K) so they have a bit more leeway even on the first book. The four agents waiting know the size and were still interested.
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posted
When you say that Kauril leads a double life, and then say that "the first is interrupted when", it creates the impression that she was already living a double life at this point, which is the exact opposite of what you mean.
quote: Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. Heir to the empty throne of Tarishah, she hides in plain sight from her power-loving suitors as "Falcon," an agent in the service of Queen Sabrina of Fayette. King Jurrian of Fayette, the Regent of Tarisha till Kauril's ascension to the throne, delegates the administration of Tarishah to his First Advisor, Mordent.
If you want to indicate a regency, you should just give in and say who is the regent. There isn't any need to explore the exact terms of the ascension to the throne, since everybody wants her to become Queen, the issue is who will be her consort.
I have to say that Mordent's plan, as you've presented it, seems either rather stupid or perhaps so utterly blameless that it's a given that any moral person would aquit him of wrongdoing. I don't know how your novel ends, but I suspect that it ends with him and Kauril together. To that end, you want to have a clear idea of some specific way in which his plan is wrong that can be set right while still achieving the good he intends. Not that you have to explore that in your summary. I'm just saying it because, hey, it's me
posted
Thanks again. Mommiller, my cats don't care about the grammer as long as they can lie on the keyboard. After about 10 minutes of fighting with them, they get the point and glare at me from the desk. Needless to say, writing can be a challenge! I wish they only cared about grammer.
Survivor, apparently my opposing counsel has been draining off my brain cells, but I think I get it. Shouldn't I still reference what she needs to do to end the regency?
quote: Not that you have to explore that in your summary. I'm just saying it because, hey, it's me.
That's why we all love you. In any event, in what way do you think it's stupid?
posted
Collecting taxes to fund reconstruction of his home country, you mean?
Once you go beyond the critical "people are dying" types of needs, it is more effective to build economic contacts and trade, which puts people to work and helps establish social order. If he's simply handing large quantities of gold and whatnot over to warlords running around in his country, then he's a moron. Also, destabilizing a neighboring kingdom, particularly in a way that can be traced directly to his actions and only to his actions, is very risky. He'd better be getting something good for all this.
Now, if he's delivering direct welfare to feed, clothe, and defend the populace...that's pretty blameless. It also shouldn't break the bank for Tarishah unless they're in terrible shape themselves, but that's neither here nor there. Whether or not they're in terrible shape, they'll be in worse shape if a neighboring kingdom is allowed to collapse in anarchy, famine, and attendent problems like plague and ecological disaster (which did happen, even in the old days).
Since you mention warlords, it seems likely that Mordent is overplaying the military revival of his state in a risky and fundamentally flawed attempt to ensure that civil war doesn't break out again. Or it could be that the civil war is still ongoing, and these "warlords" are more in the "army leaders loyal to him personally" catagory rather than the "warlord" catagory. I can't tell. It's another of those "what?" or "of course" distinctions.
As for the specifics of what she must do to claim the throne, it isn't of any importance to the plot because both sides want her to claim the throne. The conflict is over something else entirely, namely who will be sitting next to her once she's on the throne. Of course you'll mention it in the story, but for the purpose of the synopsis it the specific requirements don't have enough plot importance to affect the main conflict, whether she'll marry Mordent or Jurrian. If you can find a graceful way to mention it without taking up a lot of space or creating potential confusion, then do it. But as that line stands now, it can be cut without loss.
quote: If he's simply handing large quantities of gold and whatnot over to warlords running around in his country, then he's a moron.
I'd agree, which is why he's not doing that. He's directing the food, clothe and raw material to the places that need it and trying to weaken the individual warlord's direct control over areas of the country. He does try to negotiate with Tarishah (for a farming center staffed by Sabbat people in Tarishah) but Falcon/Jurriaan don't believe that Sabbatus will not to attack and take the entire country if it has a foothold.
quote: Or it could be that the civil war is still ongoing, and these "warlords" are more in the "army leaders loyal to him personally" catagory rather than the "warlord" catagory. I can't tell. It's another of those "what?" or "of course" distinctions.
The military is the only thing holding the country together but all the years of war has left it on the verge of widespread famine and plague. The Sabbat Civil War has come to an uneasy end with Mordent's rise to power. The warlords were more traditional warlords and now are more "army leaders temporarily loyal" to him. Mordent doesn't want to use the military more than he absolutely has to. He wants to shift the government from a military based one to a more political one.
posted
This...isn't possible in an archaic setting.
The key factor in the rise of democracy was the technological advances that abolished chivalry as an effective means of controlling the battlefield. In a setting where firearms (or other advanced technology that can be readily weaponized) haven't yet been invented and distributed throughout society, the effective difference in troop quality between men of the warrior class and anyone else means that you can't have a stable nation without co-opting the warriors into the ruling class or at least a special sub-class with special privileges.
Magic use could be one way to fill in that gap, but that depends on the availability of mages. Are they common enough that you can't plausibly have most mages spending a lot of time learning "battle magic" of some sort? Then you have a supply of non-warriors who have enough power to make a difference in a fight, should it come to that. But if magic is rare, that isn't going to be the case. A lot of the problems you've been describing seem to arise out of the basically subsistance or near-subsistance level of the various national economies.
Anyway, we're digressing from the issue of what should be in your summary. The summary needs to cover the core conflict in terms that are readily understandable. You don't need to say a lot about the details of your milieu except as they impinge on that conflict.
Here's the latest and greatest version. Barring anyone screaming: "Oh God woman are you insane?" this is probably what's going out.
quote: Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. Heir to the empty throne of Tarishah, she hides in plain sight from her power-loving suitors as "Falcon," an agent in the service of Queen Sabrina of Fayette. King Jurrian of Fayette, the Regent of Tarishah till Kauril's ascension to the throne, delegates the administration of Tarishah to his First Advisor, Mordent. When Sabrina falls ill, she pleads with Kauril to abandon “Falcon” and marry Jurriaan so that Sabrina’s son can inherit both kingdoms. In an attempt to perpetuate his control over Tarishah, Mordent courts Kauril. She exposes a plot to overtax Tarishah. Kauril accuses Mordent of treason but Jurriaan acquits him causing Tarishah to spiral closer to open rebellion. Kauril vows to bring Mordent to justice.
posted
I'm confused despite already knowing the details of the plot being described.
Still, no reason to question your sanity. I may have simply developed an allergy to working out the details of this summary. It probably needs fresh eyes. Whoa...what the hell, I just managed to work out that it's Sabrina's son who will inherit now, is that a radical change in the plot or...okay, you've mentioned it before, it just never sank in. Okay, this definitely needs some fresh eyes, mine are toast.
posted
kings_falcon, this latest version reads more like a list than a summary.
Maybe instead of listing her problems, you could just focus on her biggest problem which, since you named it first, seems to be the power-loving suitors (including, for her son's sake, Queen Sabrina).
One potential suitor cares so little about her people he's turned the job over to someone else. Another suitor only wants control of her kingdom so he can exploit it to restore his own kingdom. So on and so forth.
Focus on the fact that she's trying to avoid being manipulated into a marriage she doesn't want and then be clear on what she actually does want. Don't just say what she's fighting against, also say what she's fighting for.
posted
I don't have any experience of what editors or publishers are looking for but when I read the latest attempt one question stayed in my mind:
If she is 'hiding in full sight' how do all her suitors know that she is the heir to the throne? If they don't know who she is (I appreciate the queen does, but what about the others?) I would assume they wouldn't know that marriage to her would get them the power they want.
I have a feeling this may have been answered in the original versio but going only off the latest one I don't think it's clear enough. (only my opinion though, must be stressed)
posted
Weighing in late here, sorry! In your one-paragraph version, you have "till" when you mean "until." "Till" means either plowing ("tilling a field") or a place you put money (like a cash box). The one-paragraph version sounds TOO "tight," almost like a list, as someone said. It makes me feel as if the writing of the novel will be so "dense" (tight) that it will be heavy reading. Your first version sounded very lawyer-ish. I'm glad you lightened up the language in the more recent versions.
Nobody has addressed something you had in your first version that intrigued me. You said you're a member of Hatrack.com and LibertyHall.com and a 2006 Nano winner. Do agents care about such things? I haven't listed any such things in the query attempts I've written so far (some version of which I hope to be sending out in a few weeks). Does such affiliations in free online groups make a difference? Do they care? Thanks in advance for any replies to this question!
posted
I don't know if they do, but since it's all I have . . . My guess is that most agents probably won't care a whole lot. I don't think it will "hurt" my chances. At least the agent knows I'm serious about writing though. After all, since the novel's named The King's Falcon it's not hard to figure out who I am on the boards.
Mommiller suggests sending it to the Snark-inator and assuming I get rejections, I probably will next time Miss Snark has the opportunity open.
Sounding "lawyer-ish" is definately a problem. I'm working on yet another draft. I think this one will end up balancing the details better. I might post it here as more of an anatomy of the process if people are interested.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited January 25, 2007).]
posted
Miss Snark has just mentioned the very thing about belonging to crit groups and online workshops on her blog. She says not to mention them on your queries since they are working on the "craft," of writing, as opposed to pub credits.
Although I agree that "until" works better than "till" in this context, "till" is a perfectly valid word meaning "until", and is, in fact, the older form. But it sounds less formal, which is why I'd choose "until" in this instance.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 27, 2007).]
I'm not sure of the protocol for this but: having seen your query letters on here I would really like to read your book. Of course I could wait till it's published and buy it but I've never had much patience lol. So I was wondering if I could buy a copy of it from you now. I'm sorry if this is bad form, and if it is please tell me.
posted
Wow, Max. I'm sort of speechless, which is hard to do to a lawyer. Thank you. I'm not sure about "selling" you a copy. When I finish this trial, I'll look into what that could mean.
In the meantime, do you want to give me feedback on the partial (first 100 pages) I'm going to send to the agent? If you do, I'll send later in the week i.e. when the trial is over.
If this thing ever gets published the acknowledgement page (too tired to spell, sigh) is going to be filled, and rightly so, with Hatrack people.
posted
yeah would love to read them. My email is on my profile. Just send them when you get time. Thanks.
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posted
In an effort to show the evolution of what's happened with this synopsis, here's the latest version. Thank You! to everyone who has helped on this.
quote: Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. Prevented from claiming an empty throne by her father’s final decree, Kauril leaves her title behind to become “Falcon,” the agent of Queen Sabrina of Fayette. Now, Falcon’s new life is threatened by Sabrina's latest directive.
Mortally ill, Sabrina wants Falcon to marry her husband, King Jurriaan, after her death so Sabrina’s son will inherit both kingdoms. Heartbroken and reluctant to reclaim the throne, Falcon soon uncovers the true state of Tarishah. Jurriaan’s appointed minister, Mordent, is diverting Tarishah’s resources to assist his bid to reclaim his own devastated kingdom, Sabbatus. Even as she attempts to tie the exploitation of Tarishah to Mordent, Falcon must resist his attempts to manipulate her into a loveless marriage.
When Jurriaan acquits Mordent of treason, Falcon must choose between her duty and her freedom. Accepting her responsibility to her people, she vows to bring Mordent to justice even if it means she must sacrifice Falcon.
Two questions -
(1) The phrase "true state" in the second sentance is bothering me. Can anyone think of a better way to say this?
(2) I've been toying with changing the last line to: "Accepting her responsibility to her people, Princess Kauril vows to bring Mordent to justice even if it means she must sacrifice Falcon.
Which version of the last line do you prefer?
Thank you again. N-
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited February 01, 2007).]
posted
I like your second phrasing of your last sentence... using the princess' name cuz it reminded me of her origonal self-conflict (and refurred back to your first sentence); however, it may be confusing to say that "Falcon" must choose between her duty and freedom, and then saying that Princess Kauril vows to bring Mordent to justice even if it means she must sacrifice Falcon... Perhaps you could use the princess' name from the start in that paragraph? You know, say that P. Kauril must choose, blah blah blah, and may have to give up "Falcon"... just a thought.
still thinking about the "true state" thing. Perhaps if i knew exactly what you were trying to say, it would be easier to find apropriate words. Are you refurring to a more self-finding thing, or that she finally made some decisions on what she wanted to be... thing. Maybe I completely missed the mark though.
-drahm
[This message has been edited by drahm (edited February 01, 2007).]
posted
I think I miss the sense of simplicity that the original version had. As the complexity went up, I just found myself unable to parse what each version meant without relying on existing knowledge.
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Another attempt at simplifing the story. I think I might have it "right" this time.
quote: Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. Unable to claim her empty throne because of a Regency, Kauril leaves her birthright behind to become “Falcon,” the agent of Queen Sabrina of Fayette, a neighboring realm. Now, Falcon’s new life is threatened by Sabrina's latest directive.
Mortally ill, Sabrina pleads with Falcon resume her life as the Princess. Heartbroken and reluctant to reclaim the throne, Falcon soon uncovers a threat to Tarishah. Even as she attempts to tie its exploitation to the Administrator of the Regency, Lord Mordent, Falcon must circumvent his attempts to manipulate her into a loveless marriage.
Mordent is acquitted of treason forcing the Princess Kauril to choose between the path she was born to follow and the one she has created. Kauril vows to bring Mordent to justice even if it means she must sacrifice Falcon.
Edit for typo
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited February 02, 2007).]
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