posted
I'm interested only in feedback on the first 13. No readers needed at the moment. Does this get your interest?
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The polar bear stood on its hind legs and roared, causing geophysicist Phil Markey's graduate student to drop her side of the seismograph and scream. He brought Clara against his better judgment, based solely on her grades. Now, he regretted it as he grappled for the shotgun slung across his back. "Get behind me," Markey said, pulling on her sleeve with his gloved hand. She scrambled to get around his ample frame and hide in his shadow. The sled dogs howled and barked at the bear, but it showed them no interest. A fat morsel like Markey was a rare find. The shotgun felt awkward in his hands. After only an hour of training seven years ago, the Greenlandic military had certified him competent to carry the mandatory shotgun away from Station Nord.
posted
It gets my interest. The only thing I don't like is "geophysicist". It's one too many words there, and the seismograph makes it unnecessary. It's not crucial here, in any case. One other thing is, I'd say "Markey brought Clara" instead of "He . . . ", since we don't even know until then that Markey is present in this scene.
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posted
I think you explain way too much way too fast. You should try focusing on the moment. Don't worry about labeling her a graduate student and expressing Phil's judgment. Also, I think you need to let some of that information seep through dialog rather than the narrator.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Of course the imminant attack of a polar bear is going to get me to read on just to see what happens. but a couple things seem odd. why label her as his assistant before even introducing her?
>>causing geophysicist Phil Markey's graduate student>> just sounds a bit twisted and hard to swallow. my eye stops and I have to chew this over to make sure I know who you are talking about.
>> He brought Clara against his better judgment, based solely on her grades. Now, he regretted it as he grappled for the shotgun slung across his back.>> he is about to be eaten and is having to wrestle with a shot gun, (grapple leaves an odd image in my head, but not too bad) and right now, during all this, he is regretting his choice of lab assistants? this mental action takes me, the reader, out of the dangerous moment.
>>A fat morsel like Markey was a rare find.>> I am terrible at this POV stuff still but if Markey is the POV character can he know this. possibly so I am just asking because this sentence made me feel like I was in the bear's head.
I am in agreement with Green Writer, focus on the bear and the immediate danger and tell the rest either later or by inference.
still a good action hook, I would want to read more just to see how it comes out with the bear.
posted
I agree that it's a little too much too fast. Also that "geophysicist" is unneeded and a little clunky.
It's a little funny that it's a desperate action scene, but I don't feel really planted in Markey's POV. The first two creatures we meet are the polar bear and "Markey's graduate student", and you give us cause and effect instead of reaction and characterization of the viewpoint character. I found myself wanting to be in Markey's head.
Maybe you give us Markey's reaction to the bear, then his reaction to Clara's scream, then his further actions.
I'd still read on, but I think you could make it significantly more powerful by getting closer to the MC.
I have some suggestions; additions are in ALL CAPS.
quote:The polar bear stood on its hind legs and roared, causing Phil Markey's graduate assistant to drop her side of the seismograph and scream. USELESS TWIT.
"Get behind me," Markey said, pulling on her sleeve with his gloved hand. The sled dogs howled and barked.
The shotgun felt awkward in his hands.
OK, maybe that's too stripped, but you probably get my point. I like to have info to understand what's happening, but I understand well enough just based on this: we're in the arctic, and Phil Markey and his graduate assistant are under attack by a polar bear. The other stuff can come later, I think, because it's not needed to understand the scene.
posted
Polar bears won't usually try to eat humans. It's very unhealthy for them, and most of them know this. It's also a bit odd that you imply he's had only an hour's training with this weapon...even odder that that was seven years ago. I'd think that if he has to tote that thing with him every time, he'd at least take up skeet as a past-time. He'd also need to maintain the weapon on a regular basis.
Beginningwise, you should probably start this scene just before the polar bear shows up. That way it can surprise us. I know that seems odd to say, but the first line can never surprise us because we haven't established any expectations to overturn. If Phil and Clara are trying to place a seismograph, then we're expecting something sciency, so that when the polar bear pops up and starts roaring, we get a chance to go "augh!"
quote:I'd think that if he has to tote that thing with him every time, he'd at least take up skeet as a past-time. He'd also need to maintain the weapon on a regular basis.
I wouldn't worry about the plausibility of this. When I was in the Marines, I knew people (admittedly few) who wouldn't pull out a weapon at all, ever, if they didn't have to qualify periodically. And that was the Marines! I can see that attitude developing even more in a scientist, and I can see how his superiors wouldn't want to push guns for their people all that much.
posted
Survivor, I like the idea of starting a bit earlier. As to the other stuff, don't extrapolate the situation too far based on a mere 13 lines. Basically, he's in Greenland and shotguns are mandatory in the field because polar bears do attack people.
posted
Spaceman, not for nothing, but critiquing your first 13 made me see what was bothering in a section of my WIP. Thanks for putting it out there.
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posted
The polar bear would try to eat the dogs first. Most accounts of artic explorers talk about the humans grimacing and being helpless when the bears take members of the sled team.
I think there's too much introspection for this action scene. Will's comments of Markey's thought "Useless twit" gets to the heart of it and is probably the most he could think at the time.
"Fat morsel" bothered me. If he's out in the artic, he has to be somewhat fit. The conditions are too harsh for someone whose not in reasonable condition to work in them.
For me, this is probably the one exception I have to the "tell me now" "rule". If you put me in the middle of a life or death scene where the MC must act quickly or die, I can wait until he lives for more details if the action is clear. Where he's being attacked by a bear, everything else can wait.
posted
Wait...you're positing a future in which polar bears attack and eat humans by preference, or are you saying that polar bears do attack humans under certain circumstances?
Either way, you really need to have him be familiar with his weapon, particularly if he's going to think things like "He brought Clara against his better judgment," and " he regretted it as he grappled for the shotgun slung across his back."
posted
I'm saying that polar bears in Greenland do attack people. I struggled with ths opening scene the first time I wrote this book, and I struggle with it again as I redraft.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Well, naturally bears sometimes attack humans wherever you have contact between the two. But I wasn't aware that Greenland had any significant population of man-eating polar bears. I was rather under the impression that it was the other way round actually, they've had to severely restrict the activities of bear-eating humans cause the bears are getting scarce.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I agree with what everyone has said about your first 13 Spaceman.
And to Survivor, Spaceman said that in Greenland polar bears attack humans, doesn't mean they eat them. Attacks occur more in Greenland rather than people getting eaten, which I believe has never happened.
posted
As for the polar bear attack, Markey may discover too late that he's left the food or uncooked fish uncovered or it may be a mother bear and her cubs have wandered into Markey's camp.
I'd agree on the first line: TMI
And I don't think he'd be doing all that assessing toward the last of your first 13 with a polar bear hovering over him. Maybe he grabs the shotgun, shoots, misses, and then what?
You start with great action and end with a mental assessment while a bear is about to swat and shred?
Straighten out these few things and I'd quickly turn the page.
[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited February 08, 2007).]
posted
Sorry, the scene as it currently exists suggests that the bear is in pursuit of Markey's flesh specifically as a food source. I never disputed that bears will attack humans, it's just that the suggestion that the bear is doing it because it thinks Markey will make a "tasty morsal" immediatly struck me as implausible.
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posted
That the scene depicts Markey as the food source rather goes against the notion that it's written from the bear's point of view.
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posted
If you are trying to say its from the bears point of view, but want to avoid the idea that he's looking at humans as a food source, why not set it up that the assistant fumbles something or does something to disturb the bear and he is reacting to territorial invaders. Avoids the whole man eating polar bear issue that seems to quickly taint the readers belief that this is possible. Although if you have a reason for the bear looking at the human as a food source that plays out after the 13 lines than by all means continue Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
With an imminent attack from a polar bear, would Markey really take time out to question his decision to bring along that particular graduate student? That thought seems like its tossed in there for expository purposes. Ditto for his training certification from the military, and to a lesser extent the dogs.
The implication is that Markey is holding the other side of the seismograph, which would make it tough to grab a shotgun and pull the student out of the way.
I tend to agree with the others, seems to be too much happening all at once. For novels, as a reader I prefer not to be dropped into a situation where I'm meeting characters, ascertaining unfamiliar setting, absorbing background information, and sorting out a life-and-death action scene all in the same couple sentences. It's just too demanding right out of the box.
There are elements of an interesting scene there, but in a sense I feel like I just got blasted by the shotgun.
Would a shotgun be effective in stopping an attacking polar bear? I'd rather have an elephant gun.
posted
Considering that a shotgun is what is really issued...besides, then you have the argument about what color the elephant gun needs to be.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
First, Markey needs to shoot that bear within at most three sentences of it rearing up and preparing to attack. I know it is tempting to give us an idea of what is going on and who is there, but I am still waiting for that bear to be taken down.
On that note, I have no real idea of setting in this piece. I imagine a geophysicist and a girl holding a seismograph (no plug or anything) in the middle of the frozen tundra as a bear walks up to them. With that three sentence allowance (which may still be too much), tell us exactly where, exactly who, exactly what, and then shoot the bear.
posted
Mystic's point is a pretty good reason to have the bear show up only after you've established pretty much everything else. We need those three lines for Markey's "Holy Crap!" reaction to a bear showing up.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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I meant to have a smiley ( ) face to indicate humor regarding the elephant gun, but I forgot it. I didn't intend to be nitting that story point.
I was imagining the transfer of mass in the vicinity of the seat of my thermal underwear where I to be faced with an aggressive Polar bear and, well, got a bit carried away.
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