In any case, this is the first . . . whatever it is. It took me forever to get it right (I’ve been working this novel for almost five years; it has gone through too many versions to remember; this current version is just over thirteen months old, I believe), but I have a strong feeling this’ll be the last version of this particular chapter.

Depending on where it goes in the story.

Thirteen lines, according to She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed ( ):

quote:

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Fog.

His world was covered by fog, obscured by large clouds of white that settled onto his island, and made everything disappear. At times like this, when his whole world had faded away, was made invisible to his eyes, the sun-tanned boy sat by his tree and waited anxiously for the world to return.

He didn’t like fog. It made him anxious like nothing else could. Four years on the island, and he had yet to grow accustomed to it. They made him uncomfortable, these rolling clouds of mist, for in addition to blanketing the world, they reminded him all too sharply of the clouds that covered his own mind, obscuring everything there, as well.

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Thanks in advance,

Cris.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 02, 2007).]

I think that this boy might not have a name, but that isn't clear. In an opening that hits us with so much overt unclarity, you need to give us a few things that are immediately well defined and certain. If the boy doesn't have a name, give him a tag that lets us know that immediately.

It's hard for me to believe someone is afraid of fog, especially if he's seen a lot of it.

"when his whole world had faded away...the sun-tanned boy sat"

Survivor wrote:

quote:

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I think that this boy might not have a name, but that isn't clear. In an opening that hits us with so much overt unclarity, you need to give us a few things that are immediately well defined and certain. If the boy doesn't have a name, give him a tag that lets us know that immediately.

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I'd considered it, but he only goes a page or two without a name. I figured that was short enough that I could call him "the boy" or "he".

quote:

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I'd also like more specificity and character in his reaction, a sense of hard edges and reality to his self. Giving him that would make us invest in him as the focal point of the scene.

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I think his reaction is quite characterized; we just don't see it in this snippet.

Besides, I'm hoping that even if a reader doesn't quite invest in the character in the first few pages, he'll keep reading simply out of curiosity. It gets better. Trust me.

Jesse D wrote:

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I personally was drawn into the story and would read on, although I cringed a little when you spoke of how the fog reminded him of his clouded mind. It seems slightly cliched...or if not cliched, not something a person would think consciously.

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He's . . . extremely self-aware? It's a metaphore. No, a simile!

(but seriously folks...)

I've written and discarded a half-dozen reasons for why this is the way it is. Ultimately, the best I can do is to say that cliched or not, he just doesn't like fog, and beyond the fact that it obscures everything in sight, it's mostly because it reminds him so sharply of his amnesia, which he always tries to avoid thinking about. (He's a simple guy; if something makes him uncomfortable, he avoids it.)

quote:

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Maybe there's a way to make a more subtle link between the hatred of fog and the confusion of the character.

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Like what?

Ash wrote:

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I agree, we need a few hard facts to go on. Give us something to weed out a bit of that ambiguity, leave us a few mysteries, but not so many we are completely confused.

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I think I do in the pages that follow.

wbriggs wrote:

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"when his whole world had faded away...the sun-tanned boy sat"

This makes me have to stop and figure out if "he" and "the sun-tanned boy" are different people. Better: "he sat." I want to be in his POV anyway, and he surely isn't thinking about whether he's sun-tanned.

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You're right. I tried to slip in an out-of-character kind of description, and you called me on it.

Thanks.

ColinCohen wrote:

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The last sentence appears to be jumbled somewhat. Perhaps it's just a punctuation typo.

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[fixed] typo. My bad.

Again, thanks, all, for your comments. *manly shoulder-slap handshakes all around*

Now, who'd like to read the rest of the chapter?

Here's some ideas:

>>Fog.
His world was covered by fog, obscured by large clouds of white that settled onto his island,>>

I was intrigued to here, thinking "Oh boy, this is great."

Here I was let down by the vagueness: >>and made everything disappear.>>

The words "everything" and "disappear" tell me nothing about what is suddenly not there. What is missing?

>>At times like this, when his whole world had faded away, was made invisible to his eyes,>>

This is redundant. In 13 lines you have limited space to grab me, and telling me again misses your chance to tell me something new and keep my interest.

>>the sun-tanned boy sat by his tree and waited anxiously for the world to return.>>

"sat by his tree" is passive. And "waited anxiously" doesn't give me a picture. Maybe something like 'The sun-tanned boy sat underneath his tree and glanced above at the reassuring canopy of leaves. He rubbed the stones in his pocket until they were warm and waited for his world to return.' Or something. Make up your own. That gives an example of what I'm trying to say here.

It would be good to give us an idea of what his "world" looks like, so we can sympathize with him that it is now missing. It wouldn't take a lot of words, just a few select ones of color or texture strategically placed. Also, is his world colder or does it smell different than what he's used to?

>>He didn’t like fog. It made him anxious>> (the word anxious again?)

>>like nothing else could. (Also vague. This doesn't tell me much either.)

>>Four years on the island, and he had yet to grow accustomed to it. They>>

it. They (conflict between last of one sentence and beginning of the next. You have to read on ahead before you realize you've switched from fog to something else.)

>>made him uncomfortable, these rolling clouds of mist,..>>

The rolling clouds of mist made him uncomfortable,

>>for in addition to blanketing>>

shrouding might convey his uneasiness.

>>the world, they reminded him all too sharply of the clouds that covered his own mind,>>

Would a boy be aware that clouds cover his mind? And what does that mean? What does it mean when a person has clouds covering their mind? I've never heard that expression. If it's a common one, that means it's also trite.

>>obscuring everything there, as well.>>

This is vague, "everything there."

CC, I'll have the first chapter in your inbox on Monday. (It needs tinkering). It does run a bit long (I hope that doesn't deter you), but you can stop reading when you get bored. Any comments you make would be extremely helpful.

Thanks again,