posted
I have several projects in progress, and this is the most active currently. I recently wrote this revised opening. The pov was not entirly worked out, but I'd like you to lt me know how it works out.
*
Memory is faulty. It can be changed, be deceived, and lie. It can alter the most basic suppositions and distort them to obscene proportions. It can even make you forget who you are.
David Tyrson thought he was a mortal. He had lived as one for so long he had forgotten everything else. He was happy to forget his father and his mother, and all the problems they caused. He had forgotten his origins, his past, and everything he had been told about his future. He forget everything. Everything but his own version of history.
Unfortunately, none of the other gods suffered from his lapse, and they certainly were not happy with his actions.
posted
I think you can start at the second paragraph and work bits of the first in later, perhaps when his memeory begins to return (if it ever does) or work it into dialogue. It seems a bit heavy handed as an opening.
I do like everything after the first paragraph though. It has a bit of a hook.
posted
I would definetely read on, but like trailmix said; the first paragraph might be best put in later.
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posted
I thought it was a good opening, but after reading tralmix's suggestion I reread starting at the second paragraph and it definately hooked me more.
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posted
If you keep the first paragraph, I think you should change the sentence "It can be changed, be deceived, and lie."
My suggestion would be: "It can be changed, it can be deceived. It can lie."
Better yet would be to make the first two phrases active instead of passive.
And change "He forget everything." to "He forgot everything." You might also consider changing all the "had forgotten" instances to the simple past, "forgot."
[This message has been edited by ColinCohen (edited February 09, 2007).]
posted
Starting with paragraph 2, yes, I would keep reading.
I do have confusion about what David knows. You say he was happy to forget, which suggests to me he's just ignoring things. But you also said he *did* forget, which means he isn't even aware of them. But if he isn't even aware of them, you can't write about them from his POV. So I'm unsure whether he is completely unaware of his past, or chooses not to think about it.
posted
Unfortunately, none of the other gods suffered from his lapse, and they certainly were not happy with his actions.
I really liked this until I read this line. I'm not sure if you mean... if the gods DID suffer from (because of) his lapse, this would be better? Because you start with 'Unfortunately.'
Or do you mean none of the gods suffered from a condition like his?
And does the word 'actions' mean 'loss of memory?' Or do you mean subsequent actions?
I was great with this, really was, until this last line. I find only the last line really confusing and not self explanatory.
[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited February 14, 2007).]
posted
I don't know if this is nitpicky, but I don't think you can be happy to forget something...
As to the last line, 'lapse' doesn't seem like the right word to me. I usually associate lapse with short term problem that has already been resolved/corrected. 'Lapse' seems to me to be giving away your hand.
It does sound interesting. I would keep reading. I agree that the first paragraph may be better suited to somewhere later in your novel.
posted
It seems a bit wordy. But I was hooked. I like the concept of amnesia. I REALLY like the concept of a god with amnesia. All the powers of the universe, without knowing, perhaps, how to use them all. He wakes up with powers, doesn't know what they're for or where they came from, but he can use them, and probably in not a good way.
Get rid of 'happy to forget his father and mother'. He can only be happy to forget them if he remembered them. And if he remembered them, he didn't forget them. Kind of a paradox. I hate paradox.
But like the last paragraph, if he had powers that he was misusing because he didn't remember how he was supposed to use them, then the other gods would be unhappy with his inappropriate actions.
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