posted
Taking time off from my usual. Action/adventure with a contemporary sci-fantasy bent.
****
Elle sat in her room staring at the wall near the door. Actually she was staring at the full length mirror behind the door. She had thought she had seen movement. She first figured that her imagination was running away with her, but now she wasn’t so sure. She didn’t see her own reflection in the mirror but rather an unfamiliar room.
The carpet in the reflection should have been a rust color, but instead it was hardwood, and the dappled marks the sun made on the wall had vanished. Instead, the wall was a beautiful cream color, the dark accents made the office look large and important.
It was obvious the sun had long since set, at least in the mirror, but as she watched the light grew brighter. A figure
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 14, 2007).]
quote: The carpet in the reflection should have been a rust color, but instead it was hardwood, and the dappled marks the sun made on the wall had vanished.
I think you've got a lot of ideas in this sentence. I immediately thought this: There should've been carpet in the reflection, but it was hardwood floors. The sun had already set.
quote: Instead, the wall was a beautiful cream color, the dark accents made the office look large and important.
What was the wall color--other than sun-dappled? What dark accents? What office?
quote: It was obvious the sun had long since set, at least in the mirror, but as she watched the light grew brighter. A figure
If it obvious the sun had set, why tell us? Just tell us the room gradually got brighter. I am really wondering why you haven't told us about the figure before the end. This is the hook.
* The order of revelation in paragraph 1 seems wrong. The actual order Elle would experience things in, I think, would be - thinking she sees movement - seeing an unfamiliar room thru the mirror - staring at the mirror in shock
* I would like to have more of Elle's emotional reaction to the bizarre situation. Is she scared? Merely curious? Disbelieving her eyes?
* The paragraph starting "The carpet in the reflection..." might be omitted. We need just enough detail to get that the "reflection" is wildly different from her bedroom, and crucial info about what it is (office, after dark).
posted
Ok, well, first off. Thank you for your replies. Secondly, as it says two sentences below this this wasn't the first time she had seen Through the mirror, but I guess I need to reword that.
Elle sat in her room staring at the full-length mirror behind the door. She had thought she had seen movement but wasn’t sure. What she was sure of was that it had happened again. There was no reflection in the mirror. Instead of rust colored carpet, the mirror showed hardwood floor. Instead of white walls, the mirror showed a buttery cream color with painted beams in a vaulted ceiling.
From her position on her bedroom floor she could see almost to the roof line, and a large double French door stood slightly open to catch the breeze. She kept her eyes fixed on the shadow. Just as she had convinced herself that it was only the flutter of a curtain that had caught her attention, she saw the movement again.
posted
Your second version addressed the concerns I had w/the first (I shared one of the other poster's) It is an interesting start. I personally like that you've given the other room a sumptuous feel. I suspect this is very different from the room Elle is in currently (beyond the rust carpet and white walls) but I don't know. Should I? I am curious about Elle's emotional state too - is she worried/frightened/excited? Does she WANT to find out what's in the mirror or is she paralyzed with fear? Is she going to charge in there without concern for her safety, or is she cautious?
I'm sure that you address these things as you go on, but mentioning the questions that are in my head as I read.
I'd be interested to read more, though I can't commit to a full-length novel. I'd be happy to read another chapter or two - few thousand words. Let me know if that's what you're looking for.
posted
I'm writing this off of a partial outline. It ties in with some other stuff I have been doing. But this character doesn't understand what is going on.
This isn't the first time she has seen through her mirror, but it is the time that gets her in trouble. So far I have only a few thousand words finished.
posted
I like the second version better but it still falls flat for me. It should hook me because I really like the idea and Stephen Donaldson's book that used the same idea but it doesn't.
If it's not the first time Elle's seen through the mirror:
(1) I need to know it up front. The more recent version is close but not smooth.
quote: What she was sure of was that it had happened again. There was no reflection in the mirror.
Seemed a bit clunky and doesn't really get me into her POV. Is she afraid? Annoyed? Curious?
Maybe something like:
The reflection of her room was gone from the glass's surface, replaced by an image of some other room. One that she had[n't] seen before when the mirror changed.
(2) She wouldn't be studying the details of the other room so intently. She's curious about the movement and not the layout. I can't tell where the movement occurred in the room.
(3) Why does she keep staring through the mirror into the other area? Does she think it's a real world or does she think she's hallucinating? Is she a bit fixated on the man that walked into the room in the first version and didn't notice the shadow?
posted
She isn't sure at all. She has seen her mirror do this before, and the man in question still shows up, just later. This is the first time she's seen this particular room... I guess I'll keep trying.
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posted
When you start with her staring at the mirror, you then must immediately go *back* in time to explain why. Summarizing what had happened is legitimate, but it's not as much fun as experiencing it in the moment. Why not start with a bang? It's much more interesting to experience seeing something in the mirror that can't be there, than to *remember* seeing something in the mirror that can't be there.
posted
I'm not going back, I'm telling it linearly. I guess What I could do is just start with what she saw and then work the description in. This is not the first time she saw through the mirror, but it is the first time that what she saw got her in trouble.
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posted
The fact that this is not the first time Elle's mirror has shown other places is not clear. I think you're trying to allude to that with, "What she was sure of was that it had happened again." I think it needs to be stated more plainly like, "It was happening again. The mirror was showing somewhere else."
The fact that there's something moving in the mirror is more important to her than the fact that the mirror is showing an entirely different room is confusing. Why does movement interest Elle more? I think the typical reader will be more interested in an explanation of why the mirror is not reflecting the room than there being a shadow moving in the mirror. Those questions need to answered quickly and why movement is more important than the location change.
posted
You might want this to be the first time the mirror has changed.
One problem I am having with this is that Elle has seen the mirror change before and hasn't apparently done anything about it. I mean if one of my mirrors did this at a minimum I'd be wondering about my sanity. Hasn't she tried to figure out why it's doing this?
It was happening again. Elle’s attention finally settled on the full-length mirror behind her bedroom door. There was no reflection. The room she was looking in on was some sort of office. She glanced at the clock. As usual this ‘alternate reflection’ was running a few hours ahead. It was already dark inside the mirror.
Elle squinted against the setting sun coming through her window and thought she saw movement in the mirror. She held her breath. She kept watching. Slowly, as the sun set and was no longer glaring in her eyes she began to make out a shape kitty corner to the mirror.
The figure was dressed in black, standing, back against the wall near the French door. She could see that the figure was
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 17, 2007).]
posted
Now the way it reads, it no big deal that it's happening again:
quote: As usual this ‘alternate reflection’ was running a few hours ahead.
quote: Elle squinted against the setting sun coming through her window and thought she saw movement in the mirror. She held her breath. She kept watching. Slowly, as the sun set and was no longer glaring in her eyes she began to make out a shape kitty corner to the mirror.
...this seems like a long time with nothing happening--even for the MC. Again, why do I care?
I still think what you said in your previous post was a hook--promise of trouble to come--for the reader:
quote: This is not the first time she saw through the mirror, but it is the first time that what she saw got her in trouble.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 17, 2007).]
posted
Why would her attention “finally” settle? It makes me wonder what else had her attention before now. How about something more active, like riveted eyes, or transfixed by the scene?
“full-length mirror behind her bedroom door” slowed me down. Suggest “full-length bedroom mirror”, or scrap “bedroom” and say she sat on the bed?
“As usual” implies that this experience is a commonplace thing, no big deal. I’m not sure about using ‘alternate reflection’ because it seems a bit too intellectual (distant). Has she seen the same scene in the past, or something different each time?
I think the end is too late to start describing the figure. What if she sees him earlier instead of her own reflection, and then tell us what she thinks/feels?
I agree with InarticulateBabbler about the hook quote, because it says up front that trouble’s coming, and it makes it clear that she’s seeing THROUGH the mirror.
I hope this isn’t taking too much liberty; these are various quotes, mixed and matched, with comments. [Brackets] suggest something to remove:
QUOTES: “This is not the first time she saw through the mirror, but it is the first time that what she saw got her in trouble.” “Elle sat in her room staring at the full-length mirror [behind the door].” How does she feel? “She didn’t see her [own] reflection in the mirror but rather an unfamiliar room.” (or “office”) “Instead of rust colored carpet, the mirror showed hardwood floor.” “…the dappled marks the sun made on the wall had vanished.” Maybe use this idea to contrast the sunlight on her wall versus the darkness on the other side? “It was already dark inside the mirror.”
“Elle squinted against the setting sun coming through her window and thought she saw movement in the mirror. She held her breath.” How does she feel? Why does she sit and wait instead of moving closer? Sounds like she’s in a dream. “Slowly, as the sun set and was no longer glaring in her eyes she began to make out a shape [kitty corner to the mirror].” END QUOTES
Keep at it! I do want to know what sort of trouble she gets into..
posted
Ok. Elle is sort of convinced that these 'alternate reflections' are either signs she is going crazy or actual views into other worlds.
She has seen the 'dark figure' before in the mirror, but never at the location she is currently seeing. The alternates are ALMOST normal to her. It's been happening for a while now, long enough that it doesn't really surprise her any more. Worry? A little, but she still isn't sure if it is really happening, or if it is her imagination running away with her.... let me try again here...
posted
Can you use your "free" paragraph to be in full omni and say:
"This is not the first time Elle saw through the mirror to what appeared to be an alternate world, but it is the first time that what she saw got her in trouble."
posted
It wasn’t the first time Elle had seen through the mirror, it was, however, the first time what she had seen there had gotten her in trouble. Over the past month she had gotten used to the mirror behind her bedroom door not reflecting her room. Instead, it mostly showed her other places, and other times. But February 2, 1995, it showed her something else entirely. It showed her a murder.
Today the scene wasn’t the bustling coffee shop, instead, a dark, ominous office. And wherever they were, it was a few hours ahead of her current time, because the sun was still shining through her window, and in the mirror it was dark. It was the combination of the glare from her side and the darkness on the other; that hid the figure so well.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 21, 2007).]
posted
Babbler, yes it is on. I'm not sure you were quite as explicite as I was though.
Ellepepper - YES!!!! I love this version. I'm hooked. When can you send me more?
You might want to sink a bit more into Elle's POV for the second paragraph (you could use the 2nd paragraph from the version prior to this one 3-17-7) but I didn't mind that it still felt like full omni.
posted
I decided to move what she saw down to the third paragraph to give people enough time to get used to the strangeness of a Mirror becoming a window.
I'm still trying to write this off of an outline. So you can imagine how it goes.
posted
Right. It was enough to hook me in the first line, by I was sold by the end of the first paragraph.
The only problem I had with it was with the last line, and I can't adequately articulate. I think it dulls the fine point that you just sharpened your story to. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I'd read on.
PS - the tap,tap,tap thing was an attempt to be humorous. Perhaps, sometimes, things cannot be conveyed by just dialogue.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 22, 2007).]
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