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Meister brushed the crumbs off his shirt with a light blue handkerchief he kept neatly folded in his back pocket. He watched an ant find a crumb and struggle back toward a crevice in the pavement. One ordinary worker ant.

Ordinary.

Meister wondered what that was like. He had never had--never been given--that chance. Turns out when you are a genius, people either love you or hate you. Meister got much more of the latter.

His shoulders shook for a moment, a rare moment of vulnerability. Then he got up and adjusted his suit jacket. With a wistful smile, he crushed the ant beneath his shoe, grinding his foot as he turned curtly, and walked back to work.

My take:

quote:

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Meister brushed the crumbs off his shirt with a light blue handkerchief he kept neatly folded in his back pocket. He watched an ant find a crumb and struggle back toward a crevice in the pavement. One ordinary worker ant. Why do I care about an ant? Why do I care about Meister?

Ordinary.The protagonist, the ant, the narrarator, and the reader are bored.

Meister wondered what that was like. He had never had--never been given--that chance. Turns out when you are a genius, people either love you or hate you. Meister got much more of the latter. I'm still reading because I am patient, not interested.

His shoulders shook for a moment, a rare moment of vulnerability. [What's this all about?] Then he got up and adjusted his suit jacket. With a wistful smile, he crushed the ant beneath his shoe, grinding his foot as he turned curtly, and walked back to work. So, you chose to tell us about his break time?

<i>To hell with ordinary.</i> <---What is this? Is he telepathic?

---

There is nothing happening--or even threatening to happen.

Meister is a hated genuis. So what? Is he an evil genius? Is he working on a diabolical plan to import billions of Evil Robot Monkeys?

Is he a good super genius that has recently invented a method of energy-efficient FTL (Faster-Than-Light) travel, while he developed a cure for cancer?

By the way, what time is the story set in? What planet is it on?

There are a couple of things I want to mention though:

- The description of the handkerchief seems out of place. It doesn't seem neccessary to have it.

- I think there are too many actions in the last paragraph. The "rare moment of vulnerabilty" throws me off. It seems you are trying to paint a picture of a man who is a genius, but feels bitter about that. It doesn't bring the story forward to have that "moment". It would be better without it.

Nits:
He had never had -- never been given -- that chance. This sentence feels awkward, maybe just from use of double dash, which presumably in print would be an em-dash (the long dash.) It just made me stumble, though. How about commas instead? Or single dash surrounded on either side w/spaces? "He had never had - never been given - that chance."

I suspect I'm tinkering with some well accepted Rule of Editing here, so I will fully acknowledge I have no idea what the Correct Way of Doing Things is, but just know that I tripped there.

I thought the rare moment of vulnerability was a good insight, but the shoulders shook? Over an ordinary worker ant? I found that a bit much.

My big point, though, as Babbler said, is I'm just not sure why I care yet. In this passage I'm getting the opinion that Meister has a chip on his shoulder and might be evil...crushing the ant and all. One challenge is that as a reader, I don't identify particularly well w/evil MCs (hence my continual jokes about the murder and mayhem that seems to flow in some hatrack posts - these evil robot monkeys, <shudder> - they're killers!)

I posted this link for someone else just yesterday...I'm a bit of a broken record but I found this OSC article really enlightening about beginnings: http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-10-29.shtml

He goes through four different possible starts to the Ender's Shadow book, and it's a really interesting evolution to see as well as see the author's commentary on what he was trying to do and why each subsequent approach got him closer, until he was finally there. It was a huge eye-opener for me, hence I continue to share it diabolically with anyone who lets me post to their threads.

I can't find any conflict, emotion or pressing questions, etc. to make me care about any of it. To do so, show us is humanity instead of his cruelty. Show us what decision he's struggling with.

His shoulders shook. We're not sure what that means. Is he sobbing. At any rate, you tell us it is rare. Great! He's experiencing something new (or rare). What is it? What made him experience this just now? What's going through his head that makes this happen?

Its been said before I think but unless where he keeps the handkerchief is relevent to the story, you don't need to say where he keeps it, or do so perhaps later if it is relevent.

He had never had--never been given--that chance.

This needs rewording. There are too many hads there for me (for some reason, I hate the word 'had'). And maybe just go for:

when you are a genius, people either love you or hate you.

I liked it. Most of what I have are nits.

I really liked how Meister's personlity was brought out by the first few lines. I know from the first three sentances that he's a bit compulsive ("light blue kandkerchief"), meticulous ("neatly folded"), and a bit smug and arrogant (one ordinary worker ant."

What was jarring was the next 6 sentances. I didn't believe he'd be thinking this. There is a potential POV issue. Would he think of it as a "rare moment of vulnerabilty." Also, his actions show me what these lines tell me.

I think you can cut everything from "Ordinary" to ". . .vulnerability." and strengthen it. Some of the adverbs and adjectives could be cut too. You don't need the italics, but this is, in part, a style issue. It's his POV so I know it's an internal thought without the italics.

So . . without the middle it reads:

quote:

---

Meister brushed the crumbs off his shirt with a light blue handkerchief he kept neatly folded in his back pocket. He watched an ant find a crumb and struggle back toward a crevice in the pavement. One ordinary worker ant.

He got up and adjusted his suit jacket. With a smile, he crushed the ant beneath his shoe, grinding his foot as he turned, and walked back to work.

To hell with ordinary.

---

BTW - you need to use [ ] and not < > to get the html tags to work.

It's interesting to me that Meister came across as being evil. I didn't necessarily want to portray that, per se, only that he has some violent tendencies. As for the handkerchief, shaking shoulders, etc and all that, I wanted to portray a sense of obsessiveness, cleanliness, and repression of emotions.

Take 2------------------

Meister woke up still mad. Sure, he got into a fight, but Winter started it. It was unfair, the way mom yelled at him; thirteen year old boys fight all the time. He had been so angry last night he wished she were dead. Then he dreamed about it.

“Morning, sweetie,” Mom greeted him when he came down.

Meister grunted, trying to stay angry, but failing. She had made her special pancakes--the ones he loved--and they made him forget all about the dream he had. By the time he left for school, he was cheerful, “Bye mom, love you.”

“Love you too,” she smiled.

After lunch period, principal Festus called him in. He saw dad with tears running down his face. Mom's gone, he said.

Since Meister's waking up doesn't matter to the story you might want to change it to: "The next morning Meister was still mad at his mother" so you don't have people rolling thier eyes at the waking up reference.

"Meister grunted, trying to stay angry, but failing." Failing should be "failed" I think. I'm not 100% sure on this though. Failing sounded off.

"'I love you too,' she smiled" is not correct. She can't smile a sentance. It should be: "I love you too." She smiled.

I was confused about some of the people too. Just tell me Winter is his brother. Principal should probably be capitalized because it's his title.

He saw dad. . . is ambiguous. I assume you mean Meister saw his father but right now Festus is seeing "Dad."

"Mom's gone," he said. Should probably be a new paragraph and set off with quotes.

We aren't really in Meister's head so I might suggest telline me who is thinking "Just like my dream. Oh my God, it's my fault."

Clean up the mechanical stuff and you have me hooked.

I know we gotta pack a lot into the first 13 to hook an agent or an editor, but this feels too quick. Others seemed to have liked it, so I may just be odd.

My quick 2 cents;

My immediate impression is that the character is egotistical and self-pitying. Immediately I have an impression of the main character which I think is going to structure the whole story. It's going to be told from the point of view of this man, and so his nature will affect it heavily. If that impression of the character is correct and that was your intent, then fine. But be wary, I do not like this character from the start, and immediately wish it was the Ant that was squashing Him.

Scorpio