posted
Hey everyone, this is an exerpt from the first chapter of my novel-in-progress. I have four chapters sp far, and a plot outline(very loose).
It's a fantasy/realism story.
Ben found the hatch while searching for things to sell. It was made of wood and lined with iron. Centered near the bottom was a keyhole with the number zero above it. He figured the key was one of those large ones from the pirate movies. He didn’t remember seeing any skeleton keys around the house, but he figured he could pick such a large lock easily. Sterling was getting aggressive about Ben’s payments. Unplugging the phone no longer put him off. Now his men showed up at his door in their tailored suits and pomade. Ben didn’t know how long his father would believe that the strangers who shouldered into the house were high-school friends of his. It was only a matter of time before he realized that none of Ben’s friends wore suits.
A few questions: Would you read on?
What questions does this excerpt raise, and are those questions enough for you to keep reading?
Thanks in advance for any feedback. Don't worry, I've been doing writers group activities for a while, so i can take it. (squares up and braces jaw)
I found the second paragraph a lot more interesting than the first one. In the first one, I couldn't figure out his age, and I spent most of time trying to get my brain set around what I could expect from him. That kicked me out of the story. However, I got sucked in with the second paragraph, especially the first line.
quote: Ben found the hatch while searching for things to sell. It was made of wood and lined with iron. Centered near the bottom was a keyhole with the number zero above it. He figured the key was one of those large ones from the pirate movies. He didn’t remember seeing any skeleton keys around the house, but he figured he could pick such a large lock easily.
I like the first paragraph. My problem, however, is that you entirely change the subject. While I'm wondering about Ben's lock-picking skills, and where he acquired them, and what's beyond the hatch, you hit me with...
quote: Sterling was getting aggressive about Ben’s payments. Unplugging the phone no longer put him off. Now his men showed up at his door in their tailored suits and pomade. Ben didn’t know how long his father would believe that the strangers who shouldered into the house were high-school friends of his. It was only a matter of time before he realized that none of Ben’s friends wore suits.
I have a couple of problems and questions.
One problem is this second paragraph can't possibly be Ben's Point of View. The first one obviously is.
Who is Sterling?
What payments?
Is his father oblivious?
He should realize that
HE doesn't recognize the "friends" wearing the suits.
I think that
ANY high school kids wearing suits -- with the exception of religious dress codes -- would be suspect.
If they are bullies, dad should have a clue that something is wrong. If not, why is he oblivious? Is he a single-parent that works doubles to afford Ben's stylish sneakers?
And,
most bullies wouldn't go to a kid's house.
Also, I agree with Radone as far as: there does seem to be a little confusion about Ben's age. I think this could be easily cleaned up in the first paragraph, though.
Which one of the two subjects are you going to delve more deeply into? That should be your starting point. To me, you've got two separate hooks.
With either, I would read on.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 10, 2007).]
posted
Not much to say except that this one got me interested. Would read on happily — feel like I'm in good hands. I love the idea of a lock marked with a zero. Posts: 1683 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:He figured the key was one of those large ones from the pirate movies.
I admit this is a nit, but I think I would prefer, "He figured the key was LIKE one of those large ones from the pirate movies."
Otherwise, it sounds like he think it is literally one of they keys used as a prop in some pirate movie.
Next, and this may or may not work, but I've been experimenting with literal things in my writing lately. Instead of "the pirate movies", maybe try naming a specific movie (I would probably use an imaginary one). The title could reflect back on the character. If it's a cartoon-sounding one, he's younger. If it sounds more like a documentary, he's older and scholarly. If it's adventurous-- well, it could sound cheesy or serious or romantic, etc.
(That's just a random thought I had. It's hardly going to make your opening work or not work. As I said, it's the kind of thing I've been toying with of late.)
Otherwise, I agree with what was above. I didn't like the switch in themes between paragraphs, and I was interested in knowing why he can pick locks.
posted
Ben found the hatch while searching for things to sell. [WHERE ARE WE? MAGIC FOREST? SPACE STATION? THE DUMP?] It was made of wood and lined with iron. Centered near the bottom was a keyhole with the number zero above it. He figured the key was one of those large ones from the pirate movies. He didn’t remember seeing any skeleton keys around the house [WHAT HOUSE?], but he figured he could pick such a large lock easily.
Sterling was getting aggressive about Ben’s payments. Unplugging the phone no longer put him off. Now his men showed up at his door in their tailored suits and pomade. Ben didn’t know how long his father [WHAT DOES HIS FATHER HAVE TO DO WITH IT?] would believe that the strangers who shouldered into the house were high-school friends of his. [OH. BEN'S IN HIGH SCHOOL? TELL US EARLIER.] It was only a matter of time before he realized that none of Ben’s friends wore suits.
That second paragraph does seem to come out of nowhere.
posted
I agree with many of the comments already made, some of the details seem to leave me scratching my head. High school students in suits? Dad must be kind of dumb. Or maybe just not there most of the time?
But I have to say that the line about Sterling getting aggressive about the payments, that certainly hooked me. With more solid, good meat surrounding that sentence, and you've got me reading your book.
posted
I couldn't get my head around the hatch. What hatch? A trapdoor? A hatch on a space station? The hatch where the EVIL ROBOT MONKEYS live???
You said this was an excerpt, so perhaps there's some lead-in, but the fact that I couldn't figure out what the hatch was hung me up enough that it bugged me. Warning - we sci-fi/fantasy readers take things LITERALLY...so hatch usually indicates spaceship. But a spaceship hatch wouldn't have a skelleton keyhole opening. So, I'm interested, but confused.
posted
"Ben found the hatch while searching for things to sell." - What things? Give us a visual, texture, how desperate is he? Is he trying to sell a book for some extra cash or an heirloom for a forture?
Zero keyhole, interesting.
Describe the keyhole a bit more when you first mention it, so his thought about it needing a large piratey key will follow logically.
Skeleton keys are the keys that open any lock, why would he think they might be lying around the house? If he did think they were lying around the house, to so casually think he just 'didn't rememeber' if he saw any--wouldn't he search hard for something that could be so useful?
The talk of pirates and skeleton keys made me think of an earlier time period so the phone thing threw me off.
Need some kind of transition between the lock-picking and Sterling.
Lost as to Ben's age. I thought he was an adult, but then he's living with his father.
I like the contrast of guys in suits / father thinks they're friends / his friends don't wear suits.
posted
What, no series of numbers of the hatch door? 4,8, 18, 24, etc etc?
I'm interested, but I think the second paragraph is a much stronger beginning paragraph. I get a picture of his father as a totally absent-minded, clueless intellectual who shakes his head with a "kids-these-days" muttered under his breath. I'm also puzzled by the lack of continuity between the two paragraphs. It's like you pulled them out at random from the story.
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