posted
Illiana has had some practice using her power for the good of mankind. Petty theft is a different game from supervillainy, though. And she's never had to try and thrive without a whole network of other superhumans to fall back on. They're all unconscious, and someone did that on purpose. Only she and three classmates seem to be left standing. Hadrian, a clever boundary-pusher, is the culprit. They're not sure they can do anything about it. The government is using them as mascots, being survivors...but that's not enough. Illiana can travel incorporeally, but as she tracks Hadrian, he comes reaching for her mind. He can animate the comatose to exploit their power. With thousands of such people at his disposal, he probably can manipulate himself into a position of having anything in the world he wants—and he likely wants the world.
[Somewhat altered/truncated version of my query summary. If anyone would look over the complete (just a bit longer) version, I'll message it to them. Otherwise, please tell me if this is grabbing your interest. I've been writing 'hooks' for this story a long time, and not happy with them. This is the best so far.]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 21, 2007).]
quote:Illiana has had some practicing[Do you mean "..had some practice..."?] using her power for the good of mankind. Petty theft is a different game from supervillainy, though.[<--Do you mean to say that she's turned from Superhero to Supervillian?] And she's never had to try and thrive without a whole network of other superhumans to fall back on. They're all unconscious, and someone did that on purpose.[Huh?] Only she and three classmates seem to be left standing. Hadrian, a clever boundary-pusher[ A What?], is the culprit. They're not sure they can do anything about it. The government is using them as mascots, being survivors...but that's not enough. Illiana can travel incorporeally, but as she tracks Hadrian, he comes reaching for her mind.[Huh?] He can animate the comatose[Two questions: 1) How and when did Illiana become comatose? 2)How does a "boundary-pusher" animate anything?] to exploit their power. With thousands of such people at his disposal, he probably can manipulate himself into a position of having anything in the world he wants—and he [likely<--he wants the world, or he don't. How is there a likely?] wants the world.
You never explain the "petty theft" comment.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 18, 2007).]
posted
I'm wondering if the crucial information I will open with (that this is a superheroes novel) would have helped you get more of the hook? I understand it's a mess (and that Hadrian line, by the way, is a shorthand that won't stay in the full) but would knowing that have helped you know that Illiana caught petty thieves, with her superpower? Then that would frame the rest of it better, maybe... Well, thanks for your input.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 21, 2007).]
posted
I'm confused at the start--she's used her 'power' (any way to be more specific? her ability to fly, her skill in casting lightning bolts, etc?) for the "good" of mankind, but she's a supervillain but being a theif is different from being a supervillain?
I would be more specific than "some practice" -- years of personal training / a career of crime / whatever
I've always been told "never start a sentence with and." It's also unnecessary.
"had to" always strikes me as really casual. I tend to prefer something more like "never needed to / never been forced to / never been required to " etc
thrive or survive? Thrive makes it sound like she'd be doing just fine without these other people, but with them around she'd be having a bit more prosperity.
"someone did that on purpose" - I'd be more specific... 'the people who previously supported her were thrown into comas by Illiana's enemy, a man/woman determined to...X' (obviously I have no idea what happens in the story, that's just to try to show an example of something more specifc)
Classmates? She's had the time to hone her skills and become a supervillain and theif but she's still in school? I was picturing someone 30 years old.
boundary-pusher - interesting description!
'they're not sure they can do anything about it' - all very vague words, get specifics in there.
survivors of what? the unconsciousness?
Mascots - makes me think of Watchmen
"that's not enough" - why not, what do they want? what would be enough? is the government going to try to get more out of them?
"probably" - I'd use a more definitive word or something more like 'there is evidence that he can...'
Is there any more depth to his motive than just owning the world? It'd be good to show any if it's there.
I like the concepts (superhero geek here), it's just the wording that needs work.
posted
I think I'm breaking a rule of critiques here, by making any explanation but... No. She's not a supervillain. I guess that might be better phrased:
A supervillain is a whole different ballgame from petty thieves, though.
I'm also trying for informal here, to better represent the story. (Not in the query, just this story 'hook'.) Hence the "And--"
I am very disappointed in myself. This is literally my fifteenth attempt at writing a coherent, representative summary blurb for this story. All of them have gotten this kind of reaction, and I'm wearing out all venues for help on it, too...
posted
Heh, I've been working on the same story for 8 years (first draft was finished in that first year).....and still people are picking up stupid little mechanical errors.... :/
The only thing I know to do is keep working. Take the critiques, make the changes, and then comes back and ask for more critique--you can come back to the same people with new material. (Well, I'm new here but I don't think there is a rule about that...I certainly am interested in helping someone through multiple drafts).
I don't think it's impossible for anyone to write a good hook (or book!)....you have the words, it's just a matter of putting them in the right combination.
posted
getting a query summary down is very very tough. Two years and I am still working on mine. Don't beat yourself up. That's why we have feedback.
You are going to have to distinguish yourself from the X-Men or maybe the Justice League plot.
quote: Illiana has had some practice using her power what power? Does she have an army of Evil Robot Monkeys??for the good of mankind. Petty theft is she a petty thief? Seems at odds to the good of mankind or do you mean "thwarting petty theft" is a different game from supervillainy [/b], though. And she's never had to try and thrive without a whole network of other superhumans What superhumans? to fall back on. They're all unconscious, and someone did that on purpose. Only she and three classmates what class? seem to be left standing. Hadrian, a clever boundary-pusher, is the culprit. They're who's not? not sure they can do anything about it. The government is using them as mascots do they have to wear a smelly costume with a head? , being survivors...but that's not enough. Illiana can travel incorporeally Okay, I know what this is from my years of D&D but this should be upfront and maybe a bit explained , but as she tracks Hadrian, he comes reaching for her mind hu? The next sentance is better and clearer . He can animate the comatose to exploit their powers. With thousands THOUSANDS??? I need to know this number up front when you refer to them the first time of such people at his disposal, he probably can manipulate himself into a position of having anything in the world he wants too vague. Just tell me what he wants —and he likely wants the world.
Streamling, which I can do with everyone's stuff but my own:
Illiana can walk through walls or anything else for that matter. For years with the help of other "super humans," she's used her powers to foil petty crimes. The others have fallen victim to some attack that has rendered them unconcious. It is up to Illiana to rescue the others.
Hadrian, a clever boundry pusher who can exploit the other supers power by controling their unconcious bodies, animates the ill supers to (PLOT DETAIL). Even as Illiana searches for Hadrian, he stalks her because he needs her power to (other plot detail - why is he trying to control her?). Illiana is forced to battle her friends who are now Hadrian's puppets to thwart the annihilation of the human species and the subjection of all supers.
Okay, obviously my tag of "supers" doesn't work but I am sure your world has a term for these people.
I need to know the stakes. Again, the world domination thing is a fairly stock plot line. Why are you different? Stress that.
posted
Thanks very much. Especially to you, kings_falcon, for the encouragement and example. Do you think you'd be willing to look at the whole thing, if I do some preliminary clean up? I'm also a fair hand at eviscerating *other* peoples' stuff. Mostly, too, not sulking too long about what others have to say about mine, and getting to work on it once I'm done. I think it gets harder with successive rewrites, maybe...
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posted
Illiana and her friends consider themselves average superhumans. Sure, they have the odd power, but they're in a high-school enclave of other NeoPols. There are more impressive ones. Common happenstance is all that lands Illiana outside the nurse's office, with bleeding Nick, coordinating trouble-scavenger Jude and superrunner Altair to take care of the mess. Her reflexes to deflect flying objects backfired onto Nick's nose.
When the campus goes quiet, though, with all but the four of them comatose, superhero upbringing kicks in. Their emergency measures are a bit scattershot, like tearing up backpacks for bandaging and hijacking i-Pods for batteries, but they're moving. Then they report to the authorities, to find that the Neo population worldwide has been laid low.
That's the other one I've been reworking and reworking and have just been fiddling with to combine it's virtues with that of this other one (namely, being more to the point). {I'm not sure it's okay to post like this in the comments. I'll delete it if it's out of line.}
quote:When the campus goes quiet, though, with all but the four of them comatose, superhero upbringing kicks in.[How far into the story do these two things happen, and how is it resolved(or what is the ultimatum)?] Then they report to the authorities, to find that the Neo population worldwide has been laid low.
posted
IB: It happens much too far into the book, currently. Timeline squash here is problematic. But they spend a day or so trying to handle the hundreds of people in their school before hiking into town to declare themselves.
KF: I mean the whole _hook_. I revoke my request currently, though. My revision brain is tied up in wrestling with solutions, and I'd rather fix it myself than humiliate myself further. Thanks for being amenable.
The book is 70,000 words. I don't even know whether that's big or small, though I think it's okay for YA fantasy... I know the ms I've just removed the first 3 chapters from was much bigger, and problematically so. ^_^;
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 24, 2007).]
posted
There's no humiliation. Please, check out my query thread. It was much worse than this one. Including Survior telling me the plot couldn't work because of a fundemental flaw.
I'm not sure about the word count on YA. Since non-YA fantasy is 80-120K, you should be close especially after more editing. Isn't it just a joy?
The handling the people at school might be something that can be shown rather than told. But that's your call.
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Isn't it just a joy? 
