posted
So this is the first 13 lines of my novel in the works. (At least I hope it is thirteen. I tried to do it right.) I wouldn't normally post it but for I'm doing a presentation of it for school and any help would be great. I'll try not to be too sensitive but please be nice, I'm new at this. Also from reading other people's I realize it's probably not a very good begining or hook-y. Oh well. Thank you for any feedback. This is it-->
She stood leaning in to peer into the crib. The floor creaked and she rocked back onto the heels of her feet. A few seconds passed and the baby didn’t cry. She leaned forward again. The baby looked small, like one of her dolls. The lights were out but the door was open and candle light lazily flickered in. Chana walked around to the foot of the crib. She could see the baby’s hair curling around her face. Chana reached up a hand to twirl one of her own black ringlets around in her hand. The baby moved. Chana held onto the crib, straining to see better. The baby opened one eye and looked at Chana. Chana smiled back. “I’m your sister,” she whispered. “I’m here to take
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2007).]
quote:She stood leaning in to peer into the crib.[this is a little awkward: suggestion something along the lines of: She stood by the crib and leaned over to peer in] The floor creaked and she rocked back onto [her heels = don't need of her feet] of her feet. A few seconds passed and the baby didn’t cry. She leaned forward again. The baby looked small, like one of her dolls. The lights were out but the door was open and candle light lazily[not sure if light can be lazy] flickered in. Chana walked around to the foot of the crib. She could see the baby’s hair curling around her face. Chana reached up a hand to twirl one of her own black ringlets around in her hand.[hand twice in this sentance, perhaps revise] The baby moved. Chana held onto the crib, straining to see better. The baby opened one eye and looked at Chana. Chana smiled back. “I’m your sister,” she whispered. “I’m here to take care of you.” As the words slipped from her mouth the baby’s own wound up into a knot and a small shriek pierced through the room followed by another, louder, one.[this last sentance slightly confused me; the baby's own what?]
How does this relate to the story? I'm asuming this baby is important.
As for a hook, maybe it needs something to make us want to read more, but I would want to know why this baby is important. I'd hope to find out in the next page or so.
Hope this helps.
[edited to fix bold]
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited May 28, 2007).]
posted
As a whole, I like the writing. But some research may be in order.
You mentioned that the fiction is "Biblical." Unless the family were rich, it would be unlikely the house would have a floor that would creak. Wooden floors were rare. In a common house the lower floor was usually packed dirt or, in richer homes, a sort of concrete/adobe stuff. The upper room, if there were one, would be similar material.
Also, most common houses had few rooms. Children and adults often slept in one large "bed" (See Luke 11:7) which might be more like a long thin mattress/mat. The families were, culturally, large. There might even be a spot iunder the same roof for a few sheep & such. As the father of 9 kids myself, I can attest that babies in such circumstances learn to sleep through noises much louder than a creaking floor.
posted
Thanks, I'll redo it later. The baby will be important. Also, I'm not really sure if it is classified as biblical (hense the ?) becuase it takes place in the Second Temple period during the Hasmonean revolt (otherwise known as Chanukah ). They are from an upperclass family ewhich I need to add in more detail about later anyway lol. Thanks for the info on houses also. And wow! 9 kids, congratulations.
I guess this question should go into another catogory (and might already exist-I'll check another time) but how do people feel about transliterated names? I want to keep them sounding like Hebrew but not make it too cofusing.
posted
This is a nice piece. The rules for starting novels are diferent than the rules for starting short stories, you have a little more leeway for getting readers hooked and involved in your story, however you are right to be thinking about what will make your readers *care* about your MC - that will keep them turning the pages. Some internalization of her thoughts might do it. Some understanding of the MC's motivation would also help (what's so fascinating with her little sister?)
A few other suggestions: - no reason for her name to be a mystery until the 4th line. Put it in the first sentence, then alternate every so often w/the pronoun or her name. By the time you introduce her name, then you repeat it a number of times, it's a little distracting. Introducing the name earlier would let you do more back and forth with it. - I agree with another poster, the "baby's own wound up into..." didn't make sense until several readings of the line. Because it's an unexpected word there, I read it as wound - like gash/injury instead of wound, like a wind-up in basball. There's probably another way to word that where you could discard that word that is problematic, and still keep the rich imagery you're working on. - You might want to consider putting something about being up on her toes in the first sentence, in lieu of leaning to peer in. The second one talks about her rocking back onto her heels, and I caught myself saying "huh? Was she on her toes?"
posted
I'm tentatively interested. I'm a little confused by the last sentence: As the words slipped from her mouth the baby’s own wound up into a knot and a small shriek pierced through the room followed by another, louder, one. This might be reworded for clairity. When I think of a mouth wound into a knot, it's usually shut. No wailing there. Plus, are there two people crying? Or are both cries the baby's, one after another?
Transliterated names are alright by me. It might also be worthwhile looking into hebrew names that are simply more easily spoken by english speakers.
As for whether or not it is biblical, I think this would just be classified as historical fiction. Again, fine by me, but you'll probably have to do extensive research to get the details right - people are picky about that sort of thing. Would it be easier to set it in a quasi-fantasy realm (no elves/dwarves/magic, just a mirror image of judea) with different names and a slightly altered history to fit the narrative you are telling? Might relieve you of some of the research which, I'm sure, will be odious.
I'm probably along for the ride for another page or two, on the basis of the setting and the character. Flesh out both a little, and I might stick around for more.
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). They are from an upperclass family ewhich I need to add in more detail about later anyway lol. Thanks for the info on houses also. 
