posted
Here is the first 15 lines (13 didn't quite have enough to stop the thought currently in progress - I hope I'm not breaking a hard and fast rule here) of a rewritten first chapter to my novel. Said novel is completed and is in the process of editing. The first chapter I wrote initially was a little too slow, no action contained, mostly walking through the streets & musing on his life. This should show a little more, and there will be action following this particular scene. I think I'm hitting the correct note. Feedback is much appreciated.
quote: Caius shook the rain water from his hand and reached inside his jacket to pull out a small scrap of paper. Hunching over to protect it from the rain, he squinted in the darkness to read the address written on it. A light glowed on the front of an apartment building across the road from where he was standing, illuminating the numbers on the side of the building. This was the place. He jammed the scrap back into his pocket, and stepped off the curb into the crumbling street. The sky was emptying itself on Des Moines, rain pouring down in thick sheets as the wind whistled through the empty streets. Caius could feel the cold steel of his MP in its holster through his wet shirt. He shrugged his shoulder and patted it through the sopping fabric of his jacket as he crossed the street.
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 29, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2007).]
posted
Not bad. . .I'd just say that in general starting with a character's name doesn't mean that I'll care about right them off the bat. I would add a line about the rain before you bring in Caius, just to bring in the readers. Just mentioning how miserable the rain is to him, or how invigorating he finds it, just to let the reader compare themselves to the character in an everyday sort of way.
Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Caius shook the rain water from his hand and reached inside his jacket to pull out a small scrap of paper. Hunching over to protect it from the rain, he squinted in the darkness to read the address written on it. A light glowed on the front of an apartment building across the road from where he was standing, illuminating the numbers on the side of the building. This was the place. He jammed the scrap back into his pocket, and stepped off the curb into the crumbling(1) street. The sky was emptying itself on Des Moines, rain pouring down in thick sheets as the wind whistled through the empty streets. Caius could feel the cold steel of his MP in its holster through his wet shirt. He shrugged his shoulder and patted it through the sopping fabric of his jacket as he crossed the street.
There might have once been an awning on this building, but it had long ago been scavenged for whatever shelter it could provide.(2) Caius wiped the water and grime from the building directory and found the apartment he was looking for. He stabbed at the button with a thick, scarred finger. The speaker below the directory crackled to unintelligible existence for a moment, then clicked off.
“Delivery,” Caius said.(3)
(1) Perhaps "crumbled" or "worn-down" would be better. I thought he might be stepping into a street that's in the process of crumbling, making way for some epic action scene or somesuch.
(2) This could be a good sentence to show, and not tell. Is it Caius observing something about the building's facade (some tattered fabric scraps still suspended from a frame, or now-vacant supports for an awning that isn't there, perhaps), or is this something you've included because you want to allude to scavengers? It might be a detail improved by showing us more directly through Caius' eyes.
(3) This is a nice end to the first chunk. I can tell something interesting is going to happen, with the juxtaposition of this gun-toting, scarred guy and the pretense of a regular "delivery" underway.
In general...
The first few sentences describing him pulling out the piece of paper with the address on it were a little boring for me. My interest wasn't piqued until the mention of the MP, and it wasn't really engaged until the last line. Maybe the MP could get mentioned right off the bat, along with the rain? Then we'd know right away we have a rainsoaked guy with a gun on his back who then looks for an address, rather than someone who's in the rain fishing for an address who happens to have a gun on his back. This may be my personal preference, but I think that order of presentation might achieve more suspense.
posted
Okay then, I appear to have suffered under the very precise scalpel of Kathleen; apparently 13 lines of 12pt Times New Roman does not equal 13 lines of 12pt Courier. It does remove some of the tension/suspense, but I think the hook is mostly intact.
posted
Times New Roman is a proportional font, which means that there are skinny letters (like "i") and fat letters (like "m") and so you can get more words in a space with Times New Roman than you can with Courier, which is a monospace font (every letter takes up the same amount of space).
The reason manuscript format is in Courier is because editors are experienced in being able to gauge the amount of space a story will take up when published if they can look at it in a monospaced font like Courier. Times New Roman throws all of that off. So we insist on Courier because that's the traditional manuscript font, and that makes it consistent for everyone.
posted
It's a very intriguing picture, and we can see the guy is tense, but you might be able to hint at his problem a little more, even without coming right out with it. I agree, you might want to move up the mention that he's carrying a gun (though I think in a longer bloc of text it would seem a much sooner reference) as it's very pivotal to our understanding what kind of person this is.
Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
The writing is nice even thought the scene is cinematic. You spent too much time for my tastes setting the background. As an example, you tell me six times that it is raining or wet out" (1) rain water; (2) protect it from the rain; (3) sky was emptying itself; (4) rain poured down in thick sheets; (5) wet shirt; and (6) sopping fabric of his jacket.
Save that space and show me what's happening and how the MC is reacting to it. Try to drill into his POV.
posted
A nice engaging intro, you could cut some extraneous "to's" and such, but otherwise nicely done.
I agree that starting with a comment on the rain or location before naming the character would be effective and mentioning the gun earlier and more specifically would also help.
I knew MP was refering to a firearm, but not which one or kind.
MP could be "machine pistol", "military pistol" or an SMG like the MP5 without the numeral, I was not sure which, it could also have been a more fanciful weapon like a "magnetic particle" weapon or some such.
Fully automatic machine pistol, or MP5 sub machine gun, or Beretta m9 pistol, etc. would clear the confusion.
posted
As kings_falcon said, you are very repetitious with the rain bit and a few other elements. How about cutting it something like this (below), which would bring the gun and delivery bit in sooner?
quote:Caius reached inside his jacket to pull out a small scrap of paper. Hunching over to protect it from the rain [and wind], he squinted to read the address written on it. A light glowed on the front of an apartment building across the [crumbled/worn] road, illuminating the numbers on the side of the building. This was the place. He jammed the scrap back into his pocket. Caius shrugged his shoulder [to settle] his MP in its holster under his jacket and crossed the [deserted] street.
And now you can fit in:
quote:Caius wiped the grime from the building directory and found the apartment he was looking for. He stabbed at the [call] button with a thick, scarred finger. The speaker crackled to unintelligible existence for a moment, then clicked off.
“Delivery,” Caius said.
I'd suggest either making the awning bit more interesting or meaningful or just getting rid of it. We've already got the idea that this is a run-down, ghetto-type place. Overall, good work.
quote: Caius shook the rain water from his hand and reached inside his jacket to pull out a small scrap of paper. Hunching over to protect it [from the rain<--unnecessary], he squinted in the darkness to read the address [written on it<--You could've stopped at address]. A light glowed on the front of an apartment building across the road [from where he was standing<--I assumed this], illuminating the numbers on the side of the building. [This<--IMHO this should be replaced with "It" or "That". "This" sounds funky in my head. It may be just me.] was the place. He jammed the [scrap<--I think "paper" or "address", now that we know.] back into his pocket, and stepped off the curb into the crumbling street. [The sky was emptying itself on Des Moines, rain pouring down in thick sheets<--This COULD matter, IF it has speeded up since the beginning of the narrative.] as the wind whistled through the empty streets. Caius could feel the cold steel of his MP in its holster[<--How could he feel the "steel" through his holster? Unneeded.--> through his wet shirt]. He shrugged his shoulder[<--Why?] and patted it[Why? Isn't the purpose of a shoulder-harness holster concealment?] through the [sopping fabric<--way redundant] of his jacket as he crossed the street.[IMHO, he sould just cross the street.]
posted
Thanks everyone for the feedback - it was invaluabe, and I think I've made a few changes that tighten up this section while still keeping the elements I thought important. Here's the revised version.
quote:The sky was emptying itself on Des Moines, rain pouring down in thick sheets as the wind whistled through empty streets. Caius shook the rainwater from his hand and reached inside his jacket to pull out a small scrap of paper. His hand brushed the cold steel of his MP, hanging at his side in its leather holster. Hunching over for protection, he squinted in the darkness to read the address written on the slip. A light glowed on the apartment building across the road from where he was standing, illuminating the numbers on the side of it. This was the place. He jammed the address back into his pocket and stepped off the curb into the crumbling street. Cursing, he shrugged his shoulders against the wind and crossed the street.
And, in response to some of your suggestions...
I eliminated a few of the rain/water references, but not as many as Debbie suggested - I found it too difficult to convey quite the torrential downpour he's standing in. I think I've struck a decent balance.
The gun reference is moved up, though the name is still MP - it's a near-future weapon, magnetic based projectiles, but that'll be cleared up in a little scene about a page away. I kept the "cold steel" reference to make sure that a reader understands this is a gun and not just a cell phone, plus it's still possible to touch steel if a gun is in its holster.
The awning (though not making it into my 13 any longer) has been reworked as well to be from Caius' POV, but the fact that it was there and was scavenged is semi-important so far as world building goes. Stripping away detail for the sake of the plot is important to a degree, but I'll still resist stripping too much away, even if it leeches a bit of the punch out of my first 13. C'est la vie.
quote: The sky was emptying itself on Des Moines, rain pouring down in thick sheets you can delete the "thick sheets", You've already indicated the strenght of the storm and "emptying itself" is much better and less cliche' as the wind whistled through empty streets. Caius shook the rainwater from You don't need "the rainwater from" his hand to somewhat dry it . . .
Printer-friendly view of this topic
