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Any impressions/thoughts appreciated. Would you continue? Is there a story forming for you here? Etc. Many thanks.
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Willy picked at the sides of his feet. Crusty. He hated his crusty feet, he hated his dirty fingernails to pick with, he hated hated hated. “I hate you,” that is what Willy would say when he met you, but you wouldn’t hear him because he can’t talk to strangers. He is a selective involuntary mute, and he hates that, too.
Willy is sixteen years old now, and he needs to get a job.
The crust is gross and mossy and scabs off in moist clumps under Willy’s fingernail. He dredges it out and flicks the clump across the room, onto his sister’s bed. Her bed is a sheet of cardboard with ‘Dole’ stamped across it at random intervals, and two blankets. Willy hates that she has two blankets, and that one of them is a thermal blanket from a _____________________________
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The fact that he is mute is more interesting to me than his crusty feet - yet it seems the condition of his feet is what is emphasized. If he is an involuntary mute, why can he say to someone upon meeting them "I hate you"? If you couldn't hear it because he didn't say it, then he didn't say it, he thought it.
I have a hard time with the "mossy" crust on his feet. Why moss? From what?
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nitewriter, thanks for the comments. This 13 lines part is hard--kind of skews things in the bigger picture, but I am looking at how the opening affects the reader, so still helpful.
Yeah, the mossy feet are so gross. Who writes this stuff!? ha ha. They are homeless and live in a warehouse and his feet are so scaled up from his foot condition and bad conditions that it's gotten kind of mungy. I'll ponder different language there, though.
And right, he can't really say it, but he would if he could, so it just came out that way in first draft. More pondering...
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I see. I wonder though if his feet should not be mossy, but attacked by fungal infections? Unless, of course, there is a specific reason down the line for which mossy feet are needed.
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I'm not sure what you mean by selctive 'involuntary' mute.
I think they call it Elective Mutism nowadays. My daughter is elective mute. She doesn't hate it, but hates talking in front of people - even those she has known for most of her life.
Also, I'm not sure something can be crusty and miost at the same time?
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Willy picked at the sides of his feet. Crusty. He hated his crusty feet, he hated his dirty fingernails to pick with
(I like it up to this point. It's active and unique.)
, he hated hated hated(this part sounds a bit like the grinch who hated the whos down in who ville.
I like how it starts out from Willy's POV but then it suddenly jumps to a distant narration
“I hate you,” that is what Willy would say when he met you,
(Then it changes tenses from past to present which is confusing. Sticking with one would be less confusing. Most novels are in the past tense.)
Willy is sixteen years old now, and he needs to get a job.
(I like the details in the last paragraph.)
The crust is gross (Is that willy thinking it's gross? Are we back to Willy's point of view?) and mossy and scabs off in moist clumps under Willy’s fingernail.
(The details are interesting. But could you forshadow some conflict or give us some mystery to keep us going?)
The "he hated his crusty feet..." sentence is REALLY long and confusing. The seeming switches in POV were hard to negotiate.
Good idea about thinking of other ways to characterize the crusty feet. Maybe more about his BEHAVIOR as he scrapes at his feet, get more at the character? things like "he attacked the crust with gusto" or "he swallowed hard to avoid the puke reflex as he scraped" or "he scraped at his feet over and over, trying desperately to rid his feet of the foul crust."
Mind you all of this is making me ill. Good luck with this!
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Good luck with this!
