Questions are the usual.

***
Jenna scanned her desk. The mounds of pleadings that littered her desk had rapidly approaching deadlines.
“Will, I don’t have time for this.”
“This job will be the death of you.”
She glanced at her computer screen and sighed. If an hour long settlement conference hadn’t lasted two days, the brief would be done and she wouldn’t be racing the clock. Despite the inconvenience, she grinned at his bribe, a box of Godiva's new signature line.
"What do you want, now?"
He sat on the edge of her desk. “A prospect I’m trying to land is throwing a huge party tonight and I have to bring a woman with me. No lone wolves.”
***

Have at it.

However I don't know what "pleadings" are in a specific sense. I figure its something to do with a white collar job maybe law but I don't know. I'd either axe the jargon or I'd add more info here.

Also I find it awkward that you have her speak to someone in the room before the reader is aware of their presence.

Also isn't chocolate just slight trite? Maybe it really works for this woman but I've got the feeling that just 1 box of chocolate isn't enough to convince an otherwise uninterested woman into attending one of these "parties."

As to a hook I suppose yeah this strikes me as one of those "parties" that elliot in the morning was talking about (I too am from the VA part of the DC metro area) with that one "chick" and if I wanted to read about this type of party I'd say I'd be hooked.

However, I'm not hooked as to why a smart and apparently "sexy" lawyer is even indulging a man who to the reader is a stranger. So introduce the guy a littler earlier.

1. Pleadings - Don't know what it means and got a weird visual image of pleadng mounds.

2. The bit of dialogue after it. Is the same person talking twice or two people? I originally thought the same person.

3. And if he it is Will saying the second bit, then why is he trying to bribe her to go on a work related outing with him when she's stressed and overworked and needs time to finish stuff? Maybe make it clearer that the party will be a nice break for her?

4. Maybe because the pleading mounds had already thrown me into a weird head space, I initially imaged the conference call taking literally two days.

It just seems a little too sketchy. I think more info/cues about Jenna, the situation, Will and her relationship are needed.

Is Will Jenna's boss? Are they partners/associates in a law firm? I feel rather confused by the whole exchange.

I get the feeling that the set-up is Jenna will have to pretend to be Will's girlfriend? That's fine.

quote:

---

Jenna scanned her desk. The mounds of [pleadings<--wouldn't this be "pleas"?] that littered her desk [Delete] rapidly approach[ed] [their] deadlines.
“Will, I don’t have time for this.”
“This job will be the death of you.”[Need a tag here.]
She glanced at her computer screen and sighed. If an hour long settlement conference hadn’t [turned into] two days, the brief would [have been] done[,] and she wouldn’t be racing the clock. Despite the inconvenience, she grinned at [his<--Whose?] bribe[:] a box of Godiva's new[,] signature line [chocolates].
"What do you want, now?" [Tag here.]
[He<Who?] sat on the edge of her desk. “A prospect I’m trying to land is throwing a huge party tonight[,] and I have to bring a [woman with me<--date would be far less prosaic.]. No lone wolves.”

---

At first, I thought she was talking to Will about the "pleadings". Of course, I read very closely the first time through and go back -- if necessary -- and correct my comments after.

Date is the polite term though escort or partner might just work as well.

Not that kings_falcon's sleek style won't be sufficiently sultry and seductive sans our simplistic suggestions...

Matt, I can't listen to Elliot in the morning. Last time I tried, at my nephew's request, Elliot was trying to get an adult brother and sister to cuddle naked in a sleeping bag.
EEEEWWWW!

I had the first 150 words up with EE and had it torn to shreds so I revised and ended up stripping (pun intended) too much out.

Yes, "pleadings" is getting short shrifted because I know exactly what I mean. Easy to clarify.

Mixing the two versions and adding some modifications to pick up on the comments, let's see if this works better:

Jenna knew she was in trouble when Will barged into her office asking for a favor. His timing couldn't have been worse. She had to finish brief in the Lawrence case today.
“Will, I don’t have time for this.”
His slow easy smile was the same one she'd fallen in and out of love with dozens of times since high school. “You have been no fun since you got your law degree.”
She glanced at her computer screen. If a settlement conference hadn’t turned into a two day legal slugfest, she wouldn’t be racing the clock. Despite the inconvenience, she grinned at his bribe: a box of Govida's new, signature line of chocolates.
"It's a JD. Not everyone has a marketing job. What do you want, now?"

**

But now the request is just outside the 13.

Better?

Chocolates might be trite, but they still work. At least for most of the women I know. And it's not the chocolate that convinces her. It's thier relationship and the fact that he doesn't tell her what she's likely to see.

My only caution to you would be to watch just how much legalese you put into the story. Are you a lawyer? It sort of sounds like it. Remember, people are reading this book for the vicarious pleasures of seeing beautiful people engage is romantic and steamy affairs, not to figure out how to run a law office. So far it's not too bad (though the two legal mentions, the "Lawrence brief" and the "settlement conference" seem a little disconnected from the story and each other) I could see a future where it creeped in further and further, to the detriment of the story.

Yes, this is better than the first.

My take:

quote:

---

Jenna knew she was in trouble when Will barged into her office asking for a favor. His timing couldn't have been worse. She had to finish [a or the?] brief in the Lawrence case today.
“Will, I don’t have time for this.”
His slow easy smile was the same one she'd fallen in and out of love with dozens of times since high school.[<--this needs separated: Her Pov; him talking-->]“You have been no fun since you got your law degree.”[needs a tag]
She glanced at her computer screen. If [a<--Suggest you make this less ambiguous:the or that] settlement conference hadn’t turned into a two day legal slugfest, she wouldn’t be racing the clock. Despite the inconvenience, she grinned at his bribe: a box of Govida's new, signature line of chocolates.
"It's a [JD<--What's a JD?]. Not everyone has a marketing job. What do you want, now?"

---

This is better.

However, I am wondering if you shouldn't start with her staring/thingking about Will's "bribe". Her mind could be drifting from her workload when Will walks in. We should see him trying to convince her and be left with the dilemma of her answer. She could even be teetering, internally. I'm okay with the jargon -- you have to stay in PoV -- but, you need a convincing hook...

You know, of course, that my mailbox is always open for you, right?

IB - it was the "sleek style" that did it. Yes, I know and thank you. I'll drop you the first chapter (still nothing to blush about in it). I like the idea of putting the bribe up front.

The law does get wrapped up in it because as she looses control of the "personal" side of her life, she begins to see the carefully controlled "professional" side is really not. The erotic relationship (not with Will) drives the changes she makes in her life and her growth. So it's a character peice.

Summary - Powerhouse lawyer in a kinky relationship loses the illusion of control and finds hereself.

You know your story better than me, but I'm wondering if this is where you want to start it. You say Will is not the other half in this piece, but the party is (maybe?) the instigating event. I just wonder if her arrival at the party might be a better place to start.

As to the revised first 13, I'm wondering about the lapse of time within it. I take it Will presents the chocolates to Jenna before the first line. Having her grin knowingly at them is a little off-putting because we didn't know there was a box of chocolates to grin at. I wonder if letting us see him present the box of chocolates would be better?

I asked earlier why a smart "sexy" lawyer would be "bought" with chocolate and while I feel more of the history/sexual tension between these two in the revised 13, I still personally question why any woman, even the MC in erotica, would let chocolate alone be the "bribe"

Matt,

Are you interest in/willing to reading the first (rated G) chapter and seeing if the rational for agreeing ring true with you?

Also I've read enough of the 1980's American and contemporary European SF to not blush too much when descriptions of sex appears in a story.