I’d killed Haldhiem that morning. I assumed he was just punk that got in someone’s way; there are plenty of them around. Of course, I know now he worked for Philips.
I put one blast through his head and that was it, he was dead. I left his body hidden in a copse of trees. A corpse in a copse – that’s funny.
He wasn’t by any means the first man I’d killed. I don’t have enough toes and fingers to count them on. Few stay with me; I guess I don’t have much of a conscience. But two of them haunt me always. I don’t remember killing the first, but I remember why I did it. The other… that’s when my life changed into something I no longer recognise.
posted
I like the use of first-person POV; it puts you in the Haldhiem's head. The corpse in a copse line was very effective; it made me laugh. I'd continue reading.
quote:I killed Haldhiem that morning. I assumed he was just [a]punk that got in someone’s way; there are plenty of them around. Of course, I know now he worked for Philips.
I put one blast through his head and that was it, he was dead. I left his body hidden[This part "I left his body hidden" seems passive; perhaps the line would be more effective if you say something like: "I threw his body"] in a copse of trees. A corpse in a copse – that’s funny.
He wasn’t by any means the first man I’d killed. I don’t have enough toes and fingers to count them on[Take out the on]. Few stay with me;[Few what? People or the people he murdered?] I guess I don’t have much of a conscience. But two of them haunt me always. I don’t remember killing the first, but I remember why I did it.<--Why? The use of intrigue is good here, so long as we learn later in the story why he killed the person.] The other… that’s when my life changed into something I no longer recognise.<--This sentence needs to be very effective; it's the hook; the 'into something I no longer recognize' takes away from it, perhaps you should consider rewording it]
posted
I think this first 13 is very effective. The comments you've gotten so far seem to say what needs to be said.
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posted
That last sentence is a great hook. It leads to the expectation that it will be expanded and explained. Since these are the first 13 of a chapter, perhaps you've already explained.
It might be enough that the character had a reason for that first killing, but the reason doesn't matter now. That would be a way of saying 'it gets easier the more you do it.'
posted
Corpse in a copse is good. It gives me insight into the character's head, and the twisted humor is a nice touch, too. It says to me that killing means little to this guy. (Which means you don't need to repeat it later. We get it.)
I like the introduction enough that I would turn the page. However, I feel the language could be tightened up. "By any means" feels extraneous, like it's bloating the sentence.
Currently when I edit, I set a goal of killing 10% of my manuscript. You might want to try something like that on this opening and see how you like the changes.
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