The phone was ringing and it was bothering Joshua. He was busy trying to discover the right combination of buttons to press to beat the Galactic Nightmare boss. The sound of the ring, grated on his nerves and he clenched his teeth angrily, “Somebody wanna answer that!”

He turned to look at his younger sister Jenna, “C’mon answer the phone - please!”

Jenna shook her pig-tailed head and laughed, pointing at the television screen. Joshua’s throat clenched and he quickly looked back, he had died and the boss was doing some sort of weird victory dance. Disgusted he tossed the controller on the floor. The phone had stopped ringing. He glared at Jenna, “Thanks, thanks a lot. Do you know how long it took...

I had to stop writing - even though I didn't want to, the children asked me to open the pool and another one wanted a turn on the computer...but I will keep on working on it.

quote:

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The phone was ringing and it was bothering Joshua.[too many -ings for a short sentance. I suggest re-wording to remove them] He was busy trying to discover the right combination of buttons to press to beat the Galactic Nightmare boss. The sound of the ring, grated on his nerves and he clenched his teeth [delete.] “Somebody wanna answer that!”

He turned to look at his younger sister Jenna[.] “C’mon answer the phone - please!”

Jenna shook her pig-tailed head and laughed[this sounds weird - suggest rephrase], pointing at the television screen. Joshua’s throat clenched and he quickly looked back, he had died and the boss was doing some sort of weird victory dance. Disgusted, he tossed the controller on the floor. The phone had stopped ringing. He glared at Jenna, “Thanks, thanks a lot. Do you know how long it took...

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So far we're not getting very much from this. We have a brother and sister but the only conflict so far seems to be their relationship (which is pretty much the same as any brother and sister).

Is the phone call relevent to the piece - or rather, missing it?

Is the fact that Josh obviously likes to play video games relevent to the plot? At leats one or other of them - the phone or the game playing - should be relevent I would like to think.

I think you should look again at commas and full stops.

"The sound of the ring, grated on his nerves " - delete comma.

"he quickly looked back, he had died and the boss was doing" that comma should be a full stop. Assuming this boss is the GAlactic Nightmare boss, this is where I realised I had probably misunderstood the first para.

At the end of the first 13, I visualize two kids playing an electonic game, arguing, and ignoring the phone. I see no hook.

Hope this helps,
Pat

“Cap….tain Stedman, Captain…”

There was so much interference that Joshua couldn’t hear the whole message. But he heard his name, his last name that is.
A lump developed in his throat, maybe the person was looking for his father, “H-hello did you say Stedman? Did you want to talk to my Dad, Benjamin Stedman?”

“Yes, Captain Benjamin Stedman…is he…there?”

“He’s dead.” replied Joshua, then he hung up the phone as tears welled up in his eyes.