The last notes of the Beethoven sonata echoed through the church at El Garto then faded away as if smothered by the sultry Mexican night. There was no applause. People wept, stunned by the virtuosity of the 12 year old.
In the front row Maria clutched the arm of Father Sanchez. “This is not possible.. He is possessed Diablo plays through the boy, Father,” she said.
Father Sanchez laughed and took her hand. “He is possessed by God, Maria. He is a gift from God. Be thankful we have been given such a wonderful gift.”
After a short intermission Juan returned to the piano. He nodded at Renaldo who stood at the back of the church. Renaldo dropped a plank into a slot across the double doors.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 30, 2007).]
posted
Personally, I would recommend you start your story in the second half of the second paragraph.
"Diablo plays through the boy, father."
It starts things off with a question ("What is the state of the boy's soul?!"). On the other hand, I felt a bit cheated by your first paragraph. I see people having an emotional response to something but I do not see anything to justify that response.
As a nitpick, I think you might need a semi-colon between "He is possessed" and "Diablo"
The last bit of the first 13 is good. If I were looking through a slush mound, I'd at least peak at the next page.
posted
This seems alright to me... an interesting idea. I assume the kid is going to wreak great vengance and furious anger on those in the church, now that Renaldo has barred the door. My only nit to pick is with the following line...
"There was no applause. People wept, stunned by the virtuosity of the 12 year old."
People would applaud. They would always applaud. When you watch a kid do something amazing, do you just stand there in silence? There might be some weeping depending on the emotions in the sonata being played, but, absolutely, there would be applause. All the wilder due to the fact that Juan is a child.
By the way, which Beethoven piano sonata did you have in mind? There are 32 of them.
posted
I agree that starting with the statement about the player makes enough drama, that explaining the reaction of the crowd will be mostly unnecessary. And by telling us the reaction before establishing anything else, you provoke skepticism.
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posted
"By the way, which Beethoven sonata did you have in mind..."
Ironic you should ask since when first writing this I actually did include one - No. 23 in F minor Opus 57 - but tossed it as being too "expensive" to include in the first 13.
posted
Since the Beethoven sonata is not a religious work, I would expect applause from the audience. Its absence is remarkable. If your POV is Juan or omni, could you tell us how it made Juan feel? Was that a motive for what comes next? That would give the absence of applause and the sonata itself an importance worthy of mention in your starting paragraph.
I picture Maria as an old crone, perhaps with extra sight or insight. On the other hand, she could just be one who's always raising the alarm.
After the plank drops, I want to know: and then ... and then ... I'm hooked.
posted
Thanks for your always perceptive comments, Zero. To be honest with you, I also have a hard time taking "El Garto" seriously myself. I have the habit of pulling names of people and places out of the air that serve as a "place holder" until I go back and in the final revision replace the names with somethimg more imaginative. In the past I've spent too much time "stuck" trying to think of names. Then I realized the important thing was to get the story down. With the story down, going back and replacing names to complete the story seems an easy matter. It may be quirky, but it seems to work for me.
Thanks to all, great comments and suggestions!
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 02, 2007).]
posted
I grew up in Mexico through High School and return on a regular basis to work with churches there, I enjoyed this and would like to read more.
I would agree that it should start with "[El] Diablo plays through that boy."
"No applause" can be culturally valid. Many places in Mexico's interior would frown on applause in church for any reason. Some Catholic churches in particular would consider it too "evangélico" and "pentecostés" (Evangelical and Pentecostal).
It is, however, rare for a Catholic (or any other) church to have a good piano in the smaller towns of Mexico's interior (as I take "El Garto" to be). Players are few and tuners are fewer. Guitars are much more common, and classical guitar has a wonderful repertoire. Would it change the story much to have him do something by Tarrega or Sor?
[This message has been edited by ValleyPastor (edited August 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by ValleyPastor (edited August 02, 2007).]
posted
ValleyPastor wow - thanks SO MUCH for your comments and insights into this. Yes, I'm aware of at least one concert (classical music) in which the audience was moved to such an extent there was no applause, at least for a few minutes until those in the audience regained their senses. Usually though, if there is no applause people will hold up a lit match or lighter.
I have thought of the problem with the piano and have considered making a change - even as you noted to a guitar - and for the very same reasons you mention. The problem is the popularity of the piano and several other reasons make it an ideal instrument for this story. I think (and hope) the difficulty in explaining how it was obtained and tuned can be worked around. Perhaps it won't be tuned, and will still leave his audience in awe knowing they are hearing something very special.
Anyway, much to consider, change and resolve. What I would give to pick your brain for a few hours over culture, mores etc. I know there is a good deal of research to be done to make this story credible.
Thanks also for your interest in reading more of this. I will keep you in mind when I finish the first chapter.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 02, 2007).]
quote:I will keep you in mind when I finish the first chapter.
You haven't even finished the first chapter yet? And you're already asking for critiques on the first 13? Personally, I wouldn't worry quite as much about perfecting all of the minutiae of the first 13, and try to focus on finishing.
This is a good start, but don't get too focused on the beginning, when there are thousands of words left to write.
posted
Well, it is outlined and most of it has been written. After an outline I can write any chapter in any order I want.My definition of "finished" includes revision and polish to the point where it is ready to be sent to a publisher - or a critter. Getting comments on the first 13 helps a great deal in that process.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 03, 2007).]
posted
I'm impressed that you can do that. I once used a "fill in" nickname for a character and made up "jacketface," my every intention was to think up somthing snazzier later, but by the end I had identified the name (bad as it was) so much with the character that they couldn't be separated. I have this issue with any names I give characters.
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posted
Ya, I see how that identification thing could be a problem. I don't know if there are any real advantages to the way I do it - although it does take care of the name problem and lets me get on with the story. I've spent too much time in the past thinking up names and honestly, stumbling over thinking of names can be a great "self-made" roadblock for not getting on with the story.
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