13

The shadows in the club that served as our head quarters dulled my vision as I walked in one of the secret doors and took up my hidden alcove by the front. James would be here in a few minutes and I wanted to get a good look at him before he saw me.
A lanky figure slid in the door effortlessly and stood against the wall blue-green eyes roving. His hair had gone from green to purple since I’d seen him last and there was a slightly worn look to his carefree features.
I pulled the black lace veil over my face and stepped out. Everyone stared and a near hush came over the room as they stood at attention awaiting my orders. I scanned their faces and they hastily returned to their companions.

I am amused by someone using a hidden door then standing around the front of the establishment. I am assuming this alcove is more hidden than it seems at first, however.

How important is the second paragraph? It seems like you could remove it entirely and not really loose anything (a little bit of characterization, but the reader gets that in the first five words of that paragraph).

What threw me was the description of the interior of the club. hidden doors, (unguarded by bouncers), are usually non-existent, as are traditional halls. There might be open areas and walkways between tables, but people who are students are usually few, unless it's a club on a campus and if so, what kind of school.

Of course it's only 13 lines, how much information can you possible cram into 13 lines without loosing the flow.

I liked your description of James, exceptionally informative, for a single sentence.

This seems like it could be a very interesting story so far; some of it does read a little awkwardly. Is this set in a night club? That is what I thought at first, but then people were in halls, which made me think of a school setting. I like your character, James. I wonder more about why his 'carefree' features has a 'worn' look. However, I would like a little more insight in what kind of person Katrina is. But I am sure that is to come. Perhaps it's the changing hair color, but my first impressions of this story is that it's an urban fantasy. I'd be willing to read more.

"Whatever they'd been doing" seems really vague. I'd reword that phrase, if possible. Also, perhaps try to add the word 'student' or 'students' somewhere so that the readers have a general idea about the age. It gets lost in the rewrite. Other than that, I liked this version a lot better.

"flirty couples flitted off," I don't care for the alliteration.

You use a lot of strange descriptions and verbs like "slunk, lanky, flitted, tramped, roving," and by strange I mean they stand out to me as awkward in their context, of course they are (arguably) just fine, but I wanted to point them out anyway, because they feel clunky to me.

The use of "effortlessly," and "noiselessly," stood out as just long adverbs that didn't give very much to the scene.

Also is the "lanky figure" James? Because if the MC recognizes him he should see "James entered the room," or whatever, for example when your friend John comes over to your house you don't usually (consciously) think of him as "some strange lanky figure slicky sneaks into my abode, eyes roving..."

I think your world could be really fun and definitely could hit a big market, school settings always have that potential, but I don't know enough from these 13 to really understand what is unique about it exactly. Sorry to be such a nit, but hopefully this helps a little.