posted
"Here comes the substandard, Jaro!" Shaim tried to slide into the crowd of the schoolyard, but even a small kid stood out if he was going to the back-bridge—he was selected from the downcity district for the Reform quota. Yesterday Shaim had gotten away with the quick insult "I got in because the standards were manufactured without brains." The uppergrade boy Jaro had been almost alone then. Looking at the slitted dark eyes all at level of his reach, not his own face, he guessed today the big-man talk wouldn't stump anyone. "He's below regulation size!" came jeers from more than just Jaro. "Who said we get factory seconds at this facility?" Jaro asked, coming in closer, bending to eyelevel. He emphasized the technical words in mocking of yesterday's bravado,...
I'm curious to know what you think of this as a beginning. Is it too typical kid-under-attack fare? Do you connect with the character at all? This is the start of the fourth volume of a story (I posted the first 13 of the initial one) I'm working on. This one departs from the other four parts in that its hero is a boy not a young man or woman, there is no lovestory subplot, and he's in school. Do you think it will still keep interest? Assuming someone's read the last three parts about this people. The magic in the novel is going to be the least apparent in this part. Most of the stories have it as a periodic outburst. The third had it as a ritualized discipline, but intervening generations (and even events of that story) have changed the attitude towards magic so it's hardly recognized.
Also, it's set in a societal condition like the Cultural Revolution of China, just on the tipping point toward that, actually. Do you see that set-up working already, or not?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited August 04, 2007).]
posted
This did not hold my interest. I could not keep track of who was talking, to whom, about whom. I got the impression of kids trading insults, but not of the individual personalities of any of the kids.
What is the current status of the first book in the series? Have you sold it? Submitted it?
posted
None of the volumes is book length: I'm writing it as though it were one. They are a self-contained story in each, though...so it's not good news that the opening has no draw.
I will be submitting a manuscript for the first time maybe this fall, and it will not be this one I'm querying for. I have a superheroes novel much closer to publishing caliber than anything else I have done.
Do you think working on establishing the speakers more would help, or do I need to move to a different starting place?
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited August 03, 2007).]
posted
I agree with Rick. This is hard to follow. Part of the confusion arises in my opinion from the writing that follows the dialogue. "...seconds at this facility?" Jaro asked, coming in closer, bending to eye level. This needs to be broken up: Jaro asked. He moved in closer, bent to eye level. Something like that. As it is, the dialogue seems to run on with what follows when what follows should be clearly delineated. In my own writing I'm even reluctant to put a "he said...she said" after a statement if it is clear who made the statement.
I think much of the confusion results from - "Jaro is that a substandard?" Tell us just what it is that is substandard. As it is we are left guessing or wondering and this is distracting to the reader. You're only giving us part of the information in this 13 - we need all of it to connect with it and know what is going on.
posted
This start lacks references that would let us understand it.
What sort of thing has been made substandard? What are the standards? What is regulation size? What is the importance of brains in what sort of manufactured thing? What is the relationship between Shaim and Jaro - who's older or larger or in a leadership position? Why or how are they rejects?
These questions weighed on me as I read and kept me from connecting with the characters.
You ask about a kid under attack, but there's very little here that makes me think of a kid at all - "adult words" and the juvenile shove. This 4th volume must depend strongly on precedence from the other three to provide pre-established characters, settings, premise and the like.
posted
I think the first sentence can be deleted or combined with the third, since it is a repetition of the idea and is a passive start.
Some confusion could be eliminated if the first mockery included what is substandard: "Jaro! Is that a substandard <soldier>?" or whatever the kids are.
It could be tightened by making yesterday's retort today's; otherwise, the kid seems weakish or slow. If you want him shoved, you could add a second insult, that he impatiently ignores.
This seemed a little awkward. "Jaro felt that strength and shoved him." I agree with the others that the reference to "adult words" was confusing.
posted
Thank you very much! All your comments are spot-on, and I know how to work on it, now.
I've posted some initial changes, but I'll be considering deeper ones as well. Any further comments are welcome, but I think I've got it. [All doubts of excellence: confirmed]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited August 04, 2007).]
posted
Hey, you stole my idea! I have always wanted to write a book with the setting being similar the the Cultural Revolution in China. Such a crazy time. I've always thought it would make a great setting for a story.
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posted
Yeah, and that element of it is not coming through as much as I'd like, so who knows if it'll even be recognizeable. Reading Red Scarf Girl was horrifying--I'm not sure I can even build up something like that.
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