"The Astounding Adventures of Avery and Clyde" (BTW they don't appear in the prologue, and I have a good reason for that)

Hardly anyone knew about Sigma Complex. Shielded from the eyes of the world by two hundred meters of rock and three kilometers of water, it was a place where the Interplanetary Chinese Imperium conducted experiments that the world would find unsettling, to say the least. The full specs about the base hadn't even been revealed to the military strike team that was riding down to the complex via submarine.

What the team did know was that forty minutes ago Sigma Complex had transmitted a distress signal and since then had sent no word. Presumably, something had gone wrong.

That was where the marines came in: they were to sweep through the base, identify the problem, and fix it. If the four-man team couldn't handle the job, reinforcements were standing by

Basic outline:

Avery and Clyde are Chinese teenagers living on Residential Station 34, aka Jewel, which orbits the Jupiterian moon of Ganymede. One day, they are in Avery's brand-new spaceship - the <italics> Flash of Light <italics> - when a computer virus disables their ship and nearly costs them their lives. Thanks to Avery's quick thinking, they are rescued and a week later, the FoL is ready to go again.

This time however, they receive a distress call from a mining station, and they must save the station's occupants from a devasting new weapon, capable of eradicating the chemical bonds holding all molecules and atoms together. The terrorists who used this weapon scare the nations of Earth into war, and a Canadian assault on Jewel nearly annihilates the station's population.

Afterward, Avery and Clyde discover that everything that's been happening as of late is part of a sinister plot to destroy the human race, and the only chance to stop it lies with them. But are they up to the task?

Interested in feedback on the 13s, and if you want I can give you the rest of the prologue, as well as Part 1 and the first interlude of my novel.

[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 06, 2007).]

FYI If you want to e-mail me, let me know so I can put you on my white list (aggressive spam filter) or else I may not get your e-mails.

[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 06, 2007).]

I can see your point, but I don't think it'll help for the type of story I'm doing.

Maybe if you read the whole thing you'd see what I mean.

That being said, there may be plenty of examples of stories that start this way. I'm just saying it doesn't appeal to me. If something comes along soon that can make me perk up, great. Otherwise I need something more in the front row of the action.

But then the prologue ends, and Part 1 switches to completely different characters with equally strong claims on emotion. I'm afraid that at this point the reader says "What the heck?" now that the characters he's been led to care about thus far have been abruptly yanked from the tale with no explanation (and those marines never show up again). In short, it's a false pretense.

So, to differentiate yourself, I think you do need to start out with either something about Sigma Complex making it significant--right now it doesn't feel different or unique enough for me to care all that much about Sigma Complex-- or start off with characters. If it's a prologue, then I don't think there's the trouble of having readers feel mislead if you switch characters afterward. There are many books that do that, and I've never felt cheated or disoriented--the term prologue sort of sets me up for that.

In reading your outline, though, I was wondering why you started off with Clyde and Avery first breaking down then fixing the ship and going off again? This seems like a false start to me. Why not just jump in at the point they encounter the mining station?

1) The adjective form of Jupiter is not Jupiterian, but Jovian. That'll be important for true science fiction fans.

2) Starting the prologue from this POV is generally acceptable - it is the prologue after all, and a book should be able to stand on its own without the prologue. As a rule, though, I find it easier to get relevant and useful feedback by giving the first 13 of Chapter One rather than the prologue. The book can do without a prologue (or it should be able to, at least, otherwise work the important details into the novel proper) but it can not do without the first chapter.

3) This is all telling without an ounce of showing. It is much weaker for it. Again, this being the prologue, you might get away with it, but I think you'd have a much more powerful and gripping opening to your book if, rather than tell me all this stuff about Sigma Complex, you had the squad leader of the marines telling the rest of the squad some of these details. It would better show off any tension you hope to build up, it'll show off the mystery about Sigma Complex, and allow readers to identify with the story more. As this stands, it reads an awful lot like the summary you included below, except with a lot of extra detail thrown in.

4) "I can see your point, but I don't think it'll help for the type of story I'm doing." That doesn't make any sense, unless you plan to write your entire story from this outside-in POV, or you are intentionally distancing the POV to remain more detached from the action. Once again (I do hate repeating myself) this distance is doable in a prologue, but not really advisable in the story itself, and I'll once again reiterate my feeling that submitting the first 13 of Chapter one would be more beneficial, especially when the prologue doesn't appear to be a very good representation of the rest of your novel.

5) It's an old piece of advice thrown around on Hatrack (particularly here) that the best way to respond to a critique is to say "thank you", or to say nothing at all.

Jayson Merryfield

I put the prologue up instead of Chap 1 because Chap 1 starts off with a lot of description that I have to explain right off the bat, so I wanted to use my 13s to put in a hook.

Annepin, not to sound critical or anything, but the outline I posted is VERY basic, so there's a lot I didn't delve into. Maybe if you read the first part of the story you'd see why I didn't start with the mine scene.

Thanks all for your advice.