posted
This is my one-page synopsis for my novel. Please tell me if it (1) is clear/understandable or which parts aren't, (2) has any statements that don't seem relevant to the story description, and (3) any spelling or grammar problems. Thank you.
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The throne is empty, and the kingdom of Norida has been ruled by Sonru KOBRI for the last twelve years. SANO, a heavenly being who takes on the form of a black panther, still hasn’t indicated who the MOST HIGH has chosen as the next ruler.
Serrica (known as RICA) is practicing sword work when Sano appears from the shadows and chooses her as the next queen. Rica is 17, a commoner, and (like many in her kingdom) has long black hair and medium-brown skin.
Seven months later at the capital, Sonru Kobri tells Rica that Lord KANTO may be abusing his power. Rica commands him to investigate these rumors, but Sonru Kobri twists her words to prevent the investigation. Rica is confused and frustrated by his behavior. When Rica attempts to investigate the rumors herself, two men try--and fail--to kill her. Sonru Kobri urges Rica to arrest Lord Kanto for the attack based on some weak evidence, but she refuses.
The evidence actually suggests that her high officials--and possibly members of her army--were behind the attack. Rica worries that they might try again and succeed. She escapes the palace in disguise and hires on as a cargo caravan guard in hopes of finding out what is really going on in her kingdom. The caravan travels through a province ruled by Lord DARRIS, who is Sonru Kobri’s nephew. Rica learns that Lord Darris (illegally) kills anyone who denies him anything.
Rica leaves the caravan to further investigate Lord Darris and discovers that Sonru Kobri and Lord Darris have men out looking for her. Also, she hears that Sonru Kobri illegally ordered Lord Kanto arrested for the assassination attempt and that Lord Kanto’s men promptly rescued him.
While pondering her next move, Lord Darris’ soldiers try to arrest a nearby stranger. Rica helps the stranger’s bodyguards fight the soldiers and get him to safety. The stranger explains that his son killed the previous king on Darris’ and Kobri’s orders. Lord Kanto’s men are escorting him to testify to this before the Queen.
Since Rica no longer controls the royal army, she marches back to Darris’ palace to take him down herself. While there, Rica gains the help of Lord Kanto, his men, and a number of commoners who want revenge on Lord Darris for his abuses. Lord Darris is captured, but the royal army appears and demands his release. Rica reveals who she is (with Sano to back up her claim). The army quickly surrenders to her control as they had thought they were there under her orders. Rica commands the army to arrest Sonru Kobri and several others who opposed her. Rica holds a trial for Kobri and Darris and sentences them to death.
quote:The throne is empty, and the kingdom of Norida has been ruled by Sonru KOBRI for the last twelve years. SANO, a heavenly being who takes on the form of a black panther, hasn’t indicated who the MOST HIGH has chosen as the next ruler.
Suggest: RICA is practicing sword work when Sano appears from the shadows and chooses her as queen. Rica is seventeen, a commoner.
Seven months later, Sonru Kobri tells Rica that Lord KANTO may be abusing his power. Rica commands him to investigate these rumors, but Sonru Kobri twists her words to prevent the investigation. When Rica attempts to investigate the rumors herself, two men try--and fail--to kill her. Sonru Kobri urges Rica to arrest Lord Kanto for the attack based on weak evidence, but she refuses.
The evidence suggests that her high officials--and possibly members of her army--were behind the attack. Rica worries that they might try again and succeed. She escapes the palace in disguise and hires on as a cargo caravan guard. She hopes to find out what is going on in her kingdom. The caravan travels through a province ruled by Lord DARRIS; Sonru Kobri’s nephew. Rica learns that Lord Darris kills anyone who denies him.
Rica leaves the caravan to investigate Lord Darris and discovers that Sonru Kobri and Lord Darris have men out looking for her. She hears that Sonru Kobri illegally ordered Lord Kanto arrested for the assassination attempt and that Lord Kanto’s men promptly rescued him.
Lord Darris’ soldiers try to arrest a nearby stranger. Rica helps the stranger’s bodyguards fight to free him. The stranger explains that his son killed the previous king on Darris’ and Kobri’s orders. Lord Kanto’s men are escorting him to testify to this before the Queen.[The last two sentences are confusing, I'm not sure what's going on here.]
Rica no longer controls the royal army, so marches back to Darris’ palace to take him down herself. She gains the help of Lord Kanto, his men, and a number of commoners who want revenge on Lord Darris for his abuses. Lord Darris is captured, but the royal army demands his release. Rica reveals who she is, Sano backs up her claim. The army quickly surrenders to her control as they had believed they were there under her orders.[This seems a little wordy - suggest simplfy it] Rica commands the army to arrest Sonru Kobri and others who opposed her. Rica holds a trial for Kobri and Darris and sentences them to death.
Debbie, I've deleted some words and phrases I don't believe are needed, but take nothing away from what I think is the story.
Hope this is helpful.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 07, 2007).]
posted
I think it is pretty clear. I definately knew what was going on. My only suggestion is that you trim it down a bit. It feels like there are some superfluous things in there, like the physical description of Rica for example.
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posted
Overall it reads well. I got hung up on some of the names. There are a lot of them, and maybe I'm just bad with them, but I had to read it through twice just to keep track of everyone. I'd suggest getting rid of any names that you don't absolutely need in the story. For instance, I think you could get away with out using Sano's name, since you only refer to her (it?) twice. Also, you could get rid of "Most High" since that really has no meaning for me--I'd suggest replacing both of these with a functional title, such as deity, or something along those lines.
There were somethings I thought you could be more precise about, and moments that needed clarification and weaving in, so they didn't just feel like disjointed plot points:
The throne is empty, and the kingdom of Norida has been ruled by Sonru KOBRI for the last twelve years.
>Throne is empty but someone rules? Usurper? Regent? A little specificity would clarify this question.
Serrica (known as RICA)
>I would just go straight to calling her Rica--one less name to keep hold of, and for this purpose it seems sufficient
Seven months later at the capital, Sonru Kobri tells Rica that Lord KANTO may be abusing his power
>So now I'm left wondering who Lord Kanto is, if Sonru Kobri was the ruler, and now since Rica is queen what role Sonru Kobri is playing. You could just say, One of her liege lords, or something.
>Also, I'm wondering what the heck happened in that seven months! Does she have to struggle to reclaim her throne? Does she just waltz in there and get it? Just seems a lot to gloss over. I think you could have a sentence or two telling us what happens in those seven months. Finally, instead of telling us Kanto maybe be abusing his power, it might be better to tell us what he's supposed to be doing that's so terrible.
Rica leaves the caravan to further investigate Lord Darris
>This was confusing. Why has she changed her objective to investigate Lord Darris? I'm not sure what exactly she's supposed to be investigating, that he kills people illegally?
While pondering her next move, Lord Darris’ soldiers try to arrest a nearby stranger...
>I think you might want to ground this action here--otherwise it feels like one of those convenient plot movers. Even if you just say something like, "try to arrest a stranger they've suspected of colluding with her" or something. Otherwise it also sounds too much of a coincidence that they just happened to arrest this stranger, who just happens to be the father of the son who... etc
Lord Darris is captured... >By whom? This was oddly passive to me here. Maybe say, "While there, Rica bands together with Lord Kanto and the commoners to take control of the castle and capture Kanto..."
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 07, 2007).]
posted
I think the synopsis is understandable and contains enough information. It's name-heavy, but I think it needs to be. Rica is your MC and seems to be your POV. As such, her description is important. It shows the start of her developmental arc. As a commoner, she should need to grow into royalty. Her age is needed to show inexperience and perhaps the flexibility to learn. (Did I just say that about a teenager?)
A nit: "While pondering her next move, Lord Darris’ soldiers try to arrest a nearby stranger." "Her" has antecedent issues. I think there's only one female in the story, but some of the named characters might be. Perhaps the whole first clause could go.
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