posted
OK, here are the first 13 lines of my novel if they are in 12 point Bookman Old Style on 8.5" paper with 1 inch margins... I'm rewriting it from scratch based on what I learned at Boot Camp - so the research is mostly done, but I am going back through what I'd already written (maybe 100,000 words?) changing from a single POV character to two or three POV characters. I'll be doing a lot of playing with the relationships and making it "fraught." ______________________
Jonathan looked out across the rushing Mississippi to the forests of Iowa. He wished there were trees to clear, ground to plow, logs to carve, shoes to cobble. Anything to distract him from the fear he had felt since he'd seen this place a year ago, when only one cabin had stood on the Illinois side of this bend in the river. The fear he'd felt once he had known this place was real.
He'd seen this place in dream years before, shrouded in summer green at the side of the dock landing. He’d dreamed of holding a young child, dreamed of heartache. Dreamed of being alone.
His wife Marietta had survived the marsh fever that swept through town that first summer. He'd made sure she was one of the first with a home to call her own. He'd done everything he
[This message has been edited by meg.stout (edited August 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 30, 2007).]
posted
I like this a lot. I think it is one line long and I'd hate for the last one to be whacked. You might revisit it before SWMBO wakes up. The best way to tell is to paste it into the submission form and see if it fits without having to scroll. (Blank lines don't count.) The assumed font is courier 12.
My impression is that he is returning to this place. I'd like to know why. It doesn't have to be in the first 13, but should appear soon.
The "logs to carve" phrase struck me as odd. Maybe they did carve logs, but I think of notching logs and such.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 30, 2007).]
posted
Checked - courier makes it so thirteen lines only takes me halfway through the last sentence of the penultimate paragraph I initially posted. I've decided I love Bookman Old Style and now plan to use it for all my manuscript submissions.
I wanted to say "logs to adze," but I'll go with "logs to shape."
posted
I, too, like it. I'm attracted by the contrast between the beautiful location and the fear that he feels. I'm guessing it's close to frontier America era, a time I feel pretty intriguing. I'm curious how much fantasy there is in it, since I tend to read fantasy in _everything_. The reference to a dream suggests there might be some, but obviously, it doesn't have to. Also, it seems you delve into a series of flashbacks right away, and I found myself waiting for the action or movement in the "present".
A few nit-picks:
Anything to distract him from the fear he had felt since he'd seen this place a year ago, This beginning was a little weird--I can't quite put my finger on it. It's grammatically correct, but it made me catch on the tense of the verb in the phrase: "since he'd seen this place a year ago" --I think I'm looking for just one more time marker, i.e. "since he'd first seen this place a year ago". when only one cabin had stood on the Illinois side of this bend in the river.Because I was a little unclear on the sentence prior to this, I was caught up on the fact that based on your description, there could _still_ only be one cabin. There's no mention of anything else but wilderness. The fear he'd felt once he had known this place was real.
He'd seen this place in dream years before, shrouded in summer green at the side of the dock landing. He’d dreamed of holding a young child, dreamed of heartache. Dreamed of being alone Maybe "dreamed he was alone"? "Dreamed of being alone" makes it sound as if he _wants_ to be alone..
His wife Marietta had survived the marsh fever that swept through town that first summer. He'd made sure she was one of the first with a home to call her own. He'd done everything he could to protect her, other than withhold children from her.
He’d tried. He'd stayed away from her all last summer. He'd reminded her that both their mothers had died in childbirth.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 30, 2007).]
12 point courier font is generally the most accepted. If you use 12 point courier, all of the spaces and letters will take up the same area. Courier 12 point also corresponds to the message-box-size (When all else fails this is the easiest judgment). You had fourteen lines, so I am only going to critique the first thirteen.
My take:
quote: Jonathan looked out across the rushing Mississippi to the forests of Iowa. He wished there were trees to clear[There isn't trees to clear in the forests of Iowa?], ground to plow, logs to carve, shoes to cobble. Anything to distract him from the fear he had felt since he'd seen this place a year ago, when only one cabin had stood on the Illinois side of this bend in the river[As opposed to?]. The fear he'd felt once he had known this place was real.
He'd seen this place [in dream<--in adream? or in dreams?] years before, shrouded in summer green[This threw me, at first. You've been describing the forests and Mississippi, I think a simple: He dreamed of this place in the summer. would smooth out the pace, and let the picture form on its own.] at the side of the dock landing. He’d dreamed of holding a young child, dreamed of heartache. Dreamed of being alone.
His wife Marietta had survived the marsh fever that swept through town[What town?] that first summer. He'd made sure she was one of the first with a home to call her own.[How could he make sure of that? Who is he? What's he do?] He'd done everything he
On first read, the entire second paragraph tripped me up, brought my mental pace to a screeching halt. On my second time through, I have to ask: Is he a psychic?
Is Jonathan a Native American? Irishman? Englishman?
What time period is this? Cabins are still used today (or maybe this is just because I live in Maine) and have been used since the pilgrims landed. (By the way, I like historical fiction.)
I want to know why I should continue reading about him?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 30, 2007).]
posted
But inarticulate babbler, you are far from inarticulate. I'm going to let this seep in a bit before revising. Thanks all for the feedback!
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posted
Now that I've wiped my literary palette clean with more than a day of reflection, sleep, and writing something else, let me rip into my own 13 lines.
quote:Jonathan looked out across the rushing Mississippi to the forests of Iowa. He wished there were trees to clear, ground to plow, logs to carve, shoes to cobble. Anything to distract him from the fear he had felt since he'd seen this place a year ago, when only one cabin had stood on the Illinois side of this bend in the river. The fear he'd felt once he had known this place was real.
Why is he standing not doing any of those things? If there is a young child around (implied in the next paragraph), have Jonathan be interacting with the child. Assuming that is why he can't be cobbling or any of the other frontier tasks he names.
quote:He'd seen this place in dream years before, shrouded in summer green at the side of the dock landing. He’d dreamed of holding a young child, dreamed of heartache. Dreamed of being alone.
Yep. InarticulateBabbler is right. It sounds as though he desires to be alone. This might be a good place to indicate his origins, since this is not the place he grew up.
quote:His wife Marietta had survived the marsh fever that swept through town that first summer. He'd made sure she was one of the first with a home to call her own. He'd done everything he
OK, so he's afraid his wife is going to die. What is she doing now that makes him so worried right now?
Since I know a bit of history, I'm guessing this is a couple of decades before the civil war based on the recently-settled state of the Mississippi this far north. Rock Island is the only major town on the Illinois/Iowa border - if that's not where Jonathan is, then name the town.
posted
I didn't realise you were allowed to rip into your own stuff here! But it's an interesting technique.
I'm intruiged by this opening but I had a basic problem. From 'Anything to distract him from the fear he had felt since he'd seen this place a year ago' I assumed the place itself was fearful for some reason. From what comes later I inferred he had built a log cabin for his wife and his family. I found it very hard to believe one would build a house in a place one found so fearful.
I like 'Logs to adze' because to me it implies a crude, rustic world.
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