posted
I originally posted this in the short story section. Learning my way around. Title is for chapter not novel.
What's in a name? For Jason it was one full measure of the tastes of shame. It began with the sweet, guilty shame of knowing that of all the dragons, he alone bore evidence of having parents; or someone who loved him enough to name him before he was hatched. His name bound him to a previous generation, and it was this connection that soured the sweet, distancing him further from his kin. Such traditions and connections were the habits of men, not dragons. In the company of the other dragons the bitter shame of envy flowed through him. They were named not before their hatching by an unknown, but since their hatching and by their peers. They were all called by their deeds, or their positions, or some personal trait that endeared them to the others. In this way, the use of
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2007).]
posted
The idea is interesting, but I have a suggestion. Instead of telling us all this about dragons and their names, why not show us. As a simple example of how this could be done, a young dragon tries to join in a game being played by the other dragons, and they mock him for having a name and chase him away. There are lots of other ways this could be done. The important thing is to give the reader a scene in which something happens to your POV character, and happens in such a way that we feel the shame, instead of just hearing about it.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
It sounds info-dump-ish. Oddly, this line of thinking -- about the names -- is not original, so putting it out in front in not necessary.
I'm betting that, as the chapter progresses, you have the dragons using his name derisively (or something) and so felt the need to explain why. Using PoV, you could explain it to us the way it is explained to Jason. Maybe he gleans some of it through meeting the dragons (like that bit about the names being their deeds, positions, or traits), in which case he might be hearing the names and thinking that Old Iron Eye has a steel plate over the right half of his face.
That said, I want to care enough about Jason to follow him into learning about the names.
posted
I liked the begining, I wouldn't change much, but I think the 13 would be improved by adding the detail about Jason's name as his own reaction to his name, it whould add an interesting hook and would have the added benefit of deleting two sentences that have a tendancy to be redundant. I do like the concept though. . .
Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I think it sounds like an interesting story (I confess to being rather fond of dragon stories, so I'm probably biased), but one of my personal pet peeves is when a particular word is repeated frequently in proximity to one another.
"Shame" is repeated several times, and while this might be something you've done on purpose to emphasize the emotion, it's just something that I personally don't enjoy. This might be the result of the "infodump" feeling that a previous poster mentions. You might find other terms coming to you naturally if you showed more of his shameful feelings rather than told about them.
posted
I, too, like the idea and I like the story being told from the point of view of the dragon. (I admit I don't read a lot of YA, which I'm guessing this is. ??) The writing itself is very nice, although I agree with the redundancy of "shame" not being the most appealing part of the few lines. My concern is that if all of the writing is this heavy laden, then the story will come across as slow even when there's action. All in all, however, I like this and I would read on.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. I will endeavor to return the favor. I have considered all of the suggestions and offer the following rewrite. I would appreciate any comments you have about whether or not I'm moving in the right direction.
What’s in a name? For Jason, one full measure of every taste of shame. The sweet was the lonely guilt of knowing that of all the dragons, he alone bore evidence of having parents; or at the very least, someone, outside of this place, who cared enough to saddle him with a name before he was hatched. The sour came in the comparison. To have a name handed down from a previous generation was a habit of men, not of dragons. The bitter was envy. When dragon’s names were uttered, it served to remind him that they were different. They were named after hatching, and by their peers. Called by their deeds, their position, or some personal trait that endeared them to the others, the use of their names served to reinforce the bond that existed between them all. Envy burned through him, the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 06, 2007).]
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