posted
This is fantasy/historical fiction--but not historical fantasy. The finished length is 97,000 words. Thanks in advance!!
*Please see rewrite six or so posts below. Thanks!*
“By rights I could kill you now, you know.” Juan stood, his back against the tree, his heart pumping out streams through the scrapes, his blood combining with his sweat to remind him he was still alive. Even the stinging sensation was only a distant kind of buzz, however, like the cicadas humming in the trees above, carrying on while he braced himself, dizzy, his head so light he could hardly hear the stranger speak. “Rights?” Juan asked, his voice weak yet raw with rage. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.” The expression on the stranger's face could have been called a smile if a hint of humanity had been behind it. “The rights of this place. We live by a different set of laws here . .
[This message has been edited by bobbieanne (edited September 06, 2007).]
posted
Nice! This was a good hook. I wonder if it is a flashback or something. Or perhaps a story frame. It actually reminded me of the beginning of the movie Mavrick, with Mel Gibson. Either way, I would want to read on.
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posted
It's a flashback (almost 500 years back) that sets up the story taking place today. Now I need to watch Mavrick again. Thanks!
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quote: “By rights I could kill you now, you know.” Juan stood, his back against the tree, his heart pumping out streams through the scrapes[What scrapes? Where are they? What caused them?], his blood combining with his sweat to remind him he was still alive. [This is a Looong sentence that clutters up the pace and doesn't really tell us anything about what's going on except that he's dizzy and it effects his hearing.-->]Even the stinging sensation was only a distant kind of buzz, however, like the cicadas humming[He can "hardly hear the stranger" but can hear the insects?] in the trees above, carrying on while he braced himself, dizzy, his head so light he could hardly hear the stranger speak. “Rights?” Juan asked, his voice weak yet raw with rage. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.”[Isn't he curious why the stranger should kill him?] The expression on the stranger's face could have been called a smile if a hint of humanity had been behind it. “The rights of this place. We live by a different set of laws here [Where?].
I get the feeling you are withholding necessary information from me (as a reader), or delaying the key points.
1) What time period is this? It doesn't feel historical, or fantasy. (Unless it is a western, like aforementioned. Sadly, this only feels right because the only named character is Juan. Stereotypical, right?)
2) Where are they? (In a backyard; desert; atrium; zoo?)
3) It seems like you are trying for a cinematic opening, and for me, it fails. I can't see anything, so I'm relying on what you are telling me.
4) I don't know what the stranger looks like.
5) Juan acts like he knows the stranger (or atleast knows what the stranger wants to kill him for), if it's his PoV, we should know too.
6) Something felt like it was missing from the second sentence (Which I have attempted to identify in the text). And the third sentence distracts me from where you are headed.
Other than #6, you have a nice voice and decent flow. I really can't comment on the hook, because it appears to be intentionally delayed.
posted
Thanks for your comments. It's tough when you only have 13 lines. Within just a few more, you know that the setting is the forest and that Juan (Ponce de Leon, so, yes, stereotypical, but an actual person)and his party have been attacked by Native Americans (Indians to him), that his nephew is near death, and that the stranger, although a member of the attack party, is obviously a Spaniard himself. Before these 13 lines begin, there's a tag line that reads "1521". Apparently that would have helped, huh? You also find out quickly that the stranger is protecting the Fountain of Youth. So although it might seem like I was going for cinematic, that wasn't my intent. I was just trying to get right to the action and avoid the dreaded info-dump. You can say a lot in 13 lines, but you can't say it all.
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posted
A slight rewrite based comments. Less theatrical/cinematic? More informational? Now too informational? Any hook-ier? All comments much appreciated, and thanks again.
“By rights I could kill you now, you know.” Juan stood with his back against the tree, unsurprised to hear the man speak in Spanish, as though this was to be expected—two men from the Old World meeting for the first time in the New World, one dressed as a native, the other as a conquistador. He grimaced as the bark scraped through his shirt, adding more cuts to his already lacerated skin. The low-lying branches through which he had tried to escape when the attack began had, in Juan’s hysteria, seemed alive as they whipped his body and demanded he stay. He braced himself now, dizzy, his head so light he could hardly discern the man’s voice from that of the cicadas' hum. “Rights?” Juan asked, his voice weak yet raw with rage.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 06, 2007).]
posted
Hey BobbieAnne, I think the second version is better. There's definitely more grounding, but I thought it could use a little more. Here're my thoughts:
I, for one, tend not to like things starting with dialogue. In this case, the dialogue is just floating with no one to attach it to. I almost want the line of dialogue and then a tag, and _then_ switch to Juan.
Juan, too, still feels a little "lost in space" still, though you ground us in the forest this time. Is he tied? What's keeping him there? You've given us an adversary of a single man with no weapon, as far as we know.
===== “By rights I could kill you now, you know.” Juan stood"stood" came across to me a bit too vigorous. Later he seems more at the end of his strength. Maybe something like "leaned against the tree" or "sagged against the tree" or something? with his back against the tree, unsurprised to hear the man speak in Spanish, as though this was to be expected—two men from the Old World meeting for the first time in the New World, one dressed as a native, the other as a conquistadorI guess I don't understand why he'd expect the man _not_ to speak in Spanish... even though he's dressed as a native. At this time in the America's history I would expect a European to speak in a European language, regardless of their clothing. . He grimaced as the bark scraped through his shirt, adding more cuts to his already lacerated skin. The low-lying branches through which he had tried to escape when the attack began had, in Juan’s hysteria, seemed alive as they whipped his body and demanded he stay This seemed a little out of place to me. He's thinking back on his escape. I'd rather know his assessment of his current situation, though this sentence does establish they were in some sort of attack.. He braced himself now, dizzy, [his head so light a tad redundant]he could hardly discern the man’s voice from that of the cicadas' hum. “Rights?” Juan asked, his voice weak yet raw with rage. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.” ====
I could be hooked but right now this reads too "heavy" for me and I wouldn't read on. Let me explain what I mean. You spend a lot of time telling me details that don't matter at this instant. Juan has been in a fight and is about to die. That is really ALL he should be thinking about. Winnow down the details about the location and the history and focus on the instant. The rest can be filled in where needed.
As with all prologues (including the one I have in my story), I put out there for your consideration - Do you really need this?
My take on the 13:
quote:“By rights I could kill you now, delete this phrase ---> IMHO. Makes this seem too modern you know.” Tell me who is speaking - Ex. ",said the Spainard dressed in Indian leathers. His sword was pointed at Juan's throat."
Juan stood with his back against the tree, unsurprised to hear the man speak in Spanish, as though this was to be expected—two men from the Old World meeting for the first time in the New World, one dressed as a native, the other as a conquistador.
This is a REALLY LONG sentance. Trim it to fit the pace of the scene. Ex: "Juan slumped against the tree." Everything else is window dressing that a dialog tag above would convey.
He grimaced as the bark scraped through his shirt, adding more cuts to his already lacerated skin. This is also very wordy. He grimace as the bark tore at his wounds - would do the same thing.
The low-lying branches through which he had tried to escape when the attack began had, in Juan’s hysteria, seemed alive as they whipped his body and demanded he stay. This is a flashback. Also the POV has slipped into full Omni (i.e. an outside narrator). It also makes Juan look like a coward. IMHO - skip this.
He braced himself now, dizzy, his head so light he could hardly discern the man’s voice from that of the cicadas' hum. again this is wordy. If you use a better verb than "stood" in the first sentance, you won't have to tell me he's dizzy and bracing himself here. That's repeated information and could be IMHO cut. Also you could use a tightened up version of this line as your opening one.
“Rights?” Juan asked, his voice weak yet raw with rage. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.”
I like the dialog and what it tells me about Juan. The dialog tag kills me though. The "his voice weak yet raw with rage" is the part that makes me shudder. Why? Because I can tell from the words that he's angry and you've already told me three times that he is wounded, dizzy and weak. You don't need to do this a fourth time. Trust the reader a bit more. If the dialog is good, the reader will get all the proper inferences.
If you cut the IMHO unnecessary or wordy parts you end up with about 6 lines. So, forgive the presumption, but with a bit of reordering and cutting you could have:
Juan (barely heard) the man’s voice (over) the cicadas' hum. “By rights I could kill you now,” said the Spainard dressed in Indian leathers. Juan slumped back against a tree. He grimaced as the bark tore at his wounds. “Rights?” he asked. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.”
Now you have room to tell me more. But I'd be willing to read on for another page or two with these 6. I want to know why the stranger thinks he can kill Juan and why they were fighting. These are good guestions that pull me further into the story.
With a bit of trimming this could be very nice.
Dratted HTML codes!
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited September 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited September 06, 2007).]
posted
KF: Thanks very much. So, so helpful. I'll edit and post again later, adding more lines to replace the ones you helped knock out.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Another rewrite. Thanks for all your suggestions!
Juan barely heard the man's voice over the cicadas' hum. By rights I could kill you now.” The Spaniard dressed in Indian leathers raised his dagger to Juan's throat. Slumping back against a tree, Juan grimaced as the bark tore at his wounds. “Rights?” he asked. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.” “The rights of this place. We live by a different set of laws here . . . for obvious reasons.” “I can see that,” Juan managed through his locked jaw. He glanced down the hill toward the men carrying his nephew's still, bloodied form away. “Is he dead?” he finally asked. “Not quite, but soon. Even the spring would do him little good now.” He watched Juan, waiting.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 06, 2007).]
posted
Hey BobbieAnne, I like the latest version in that it moves faster and we get to find out more. The dialogue feels a little wooden to me, though, and it makes me confused. I wrote in the parts I was confused about. === Juan barely heard the man's voice over the cicadas' hum. "By rights I could kill you now.” The Spaniard dressed in Indian leathersMight not be dressed in leathers depending on where they are. raised his dagger to Juan's throat. Slumping back against a tree, Juan grimaced as the bark tore at his wounds. “Rights?” he asked. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.” “The rights of this place. We live by a different set of laws here . . . for obvious reasons.” “I can see that,”He's referring to the fact that the guy is holding him hostage? I guess I don't understand how that's really a different set of rules. And different from what? Spanish culture? At this point we have no idea who Juan is or what his background is, so we have no point of reference for what "obvious reasons" and "rules" are. So this whole bit of dialogue feels a little pointless since it doesn't give the reader a whole lot. Juan managed through his locked jaw.Why is his jaw locked? Does he have tetanus? He glanced down the hill toward the men carrying his nephew's still, bloodied form away. “Is he dead?” he finally asked.I think I'd like some emotion from Juan at this point, since right now there's nothing, besides the fact that he's held captive, to make me like him. If he felt worry or remorse over his nephew, that would make me like him better. Or, consequently, if he felt relief, that would make it more interesting. “Not quite, but soon. Even the spring would do him little good now.” He watched Juan, waiting. “The spring?” he asked,Okay, this is the reader's reaction, but I want Juan to be a little more... well, Juan, I guess. This reaction feels so generic, and if he senses the guy is leaving a trap for him, which it seems like he does given the line "He watched Juan, waiting." I wanted Juan to maybe catch that. the water he swallowed only moments ====
Do you want someone to look at the prologue for you? I could, if you like. That way I'd have a better sense of what you're trying to accomplish here, and maybe I could offer different kinds of suggestions.
posted
Juan asked, his voice weak yet raw with rage
After reading the prior three sentences, I had already got the feeling he was weak. When I read the word weak there it threw me off. You described him being weak without saying it, then at the end, you said "his voice weak". Leaving the word weak out will let things roll much better. If you are describing soemthing, you never need to tell what it is in the end. The reader wants to feel and figure things out, not be told.
Anyone agree?
[This message has been edited by Dal' (edited September 16, 2007).]
posted
Thanks, Dal'. I actually had already taken out "weak." Hacking away at my lines (thanks to generous advice), I've ended up with this (the year is 1521):
He barely heard the man's voice over the cicadas' hum. “By rights I could kill you now.” The Spaniard raised his dagger to Juan's throat and sneered. Slumping back against a tree, Juan grimaced as the bark tore at his wounds. “Rights?” he asked. “Whose rights? Certainly not mine.” “The rights of this place, this New World, this 'feast of flowers' you so aptly named. We live by a different set of laws here in our part of the wilderness . . . for obvious reasons.” “Your part?” he asked, nodding at the stranger's garb. “Even in Indian leathers you are a Spaniard, not a Calusa.” The man threw his head back and laughed. “So at least you admit it's the Calusa's land and not yours. Nonetheless, I am no Spaniard. Not anymore. These people—not yours—are my family.”
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