posted
The book is done, but I have to hawk it. Here is the first paragraph of the query:
Claymore Roe went to high school in Orange County, California, a sunny land of tiny libraries and enormous sports fields, where he ran track and followed his girlfriend to college. After writing an essay on dignity for Professor Lodge's class, he was told, in certain terms, that because of his stale childhood, any aims he had to think or write well would lead to nothing—nothing. His failing essay and attending criticism prompted the question: when the wisest person you know thinks you are an imbecile, what do you do with the rest of your life?
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited September 12, 2007).]
posted
I think that the "first-13" rule is ignored for queries; you're not endangering your publication rights for the related novel. So, if you want to post the whole query, I think that is okay. However, I had a stale childhood and might be wrong.
The posted portion is pleasing. It seemed odd to hear the non-double-negatively phrased "in certain terms." There's nothing wrong with it, but it might be a minor distraction from the query. To mention only such a minor point is a veiled compliment.
posted
The first sentence had me thinking, okay, why should I care about this boy? I think you have to rearrange it in a way that puts the hook first. I agree with kings_falcon here on what that is. So you could say something, "sixteen year old Claymore Roe is forced to reassess his life when faced with the question..."
Okay, that's worded terribly, but I hope I've gotten my point across, that you should try to get the hook in before you put in all the description and detail about Claymore. Because there are probably tons of stories about kids in OC; what makes this one special? What's the story here that's worth reading? You have to convince the editor to read on.
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