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I had to piss. There are many things that war for your attention when forced to sit for hours on end. I’d purposely deprived myself of fluids for several hours before embarking on my long wait, but that fickle bitch of a bladder was stubbornly refusing to cooperate. I fumbled through my jacket for a pack of smokes and came up empty, fighting that bloated burning that seemed to swell in my groin, I leaned down and fished through my floorboard for a spare pack. Jackpot, I sat back up and inspected my crumpled prize. A lone bent cigarette hid inside. I dug it out, breaking it in two.
“Goddammit.”, I cursed.
I tossed aside the filter and gently stuck the remaining bit in my mouth. I pushed in the lighter and waited. My eyes

[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited September 17, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited September 17, 2007).]

I wasn't quite sure where he was. I thought he was in a car because he pushes the lighter in and waits for it, but I don't often hear the floor of a car referred to as "floorboard." In fact, I'm not sure I know what you mean by that. Also, though it's a book and I'm generally willing to stick with a book longer, I'd want to know pretty quickly what he's waiting for. Otherwise, it hooks me enough to keep reading for a while.

Some nitpicks:

I had to piss. There are many things that war for your attention when forced to sit for hours on end. This seemed a little odd--in this case, it seems like just one thing, the need to piss, has grabbed his attention I’d purposely deprived myself of fluids for several hours before embarkingword choice--do you embark on a wait? on my long wait, but that fickle bitch of a bladder was stubbornly refusing to cooperate. I fumbled through my jacket for a pack of smokes and came up empty, fighting that bloated burning that seemed to swell in my groin, I leaned down and fished through my floorboard for a spare pack.Run on here. I think you might want a period after "came up empty." and a new sentence starting with, "Fighting..." Jackpot,something of a comma splice here, though jackpot is an expletive I sat back up and inspected my crumpled prize. A lone bent cigarette hid inside. I dug it out, breaking it in two.
“Goddammit.” I cursed.not necessary to say "cursed" when the line of dialogue is, in fact, a curse.
I tossed aside the filter and gently stuck the remaining bit in my mouth. I pushed in the lighter and waited. My eyes strayed

Spot on commentary, this was what I churned out today, will repost after I've polished it some.

Thanks!

Friend gave me a copy of his novel that is coming out in March and it reminded me of what I'm most comfortable writing, so I decided to go back to my genre of choice and see what I could come up with.

Yes he is in his car, I've always called the floor of the vehicle the floorboard, might need to check that though.

And did you add more lines? I swear the stuff after "My eyes strayed..." wasn't there, or somehow I missed it. Oh well. I'll have to retract some of my crit. Sorry.

quote:

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I had to piss. There are many things that war for your attention when forced to sit for hours on end. I’d purposely deprived myself of fluids for several hours before embarking on my long wait, but that fickle bitch of a bladder was stubbornly refusing to cooperate.

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Um. I don't know. I frequently don't have to pee for 12 hours at a time. Don't know of anyone who refers to their bladder anthropomorphically. Who's the POV character - at this point I'm assuming it's a guy, though referring to one's pee bag (ah, third grade - the memories) as a bitch might mean something else. Where is this. When is it. Why is the POC character waiting?

quote:

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I fumbled through my jacket for a pack of smokes and came up empty, fighting that bloated burning that seemed to swell in my groin, I leaned down and fished through my floorboard for a spare pack.

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So I'm hoping this is a guy, though a guy can just whiz in the alley. Seems this individual (still without a name - aargh) is doing some kind of stalking/stakeout. All I really know, though, is that he smokes and pees (or she smokes and pees). Oh yeah, and this should be broken into several sentences. Seems this individual has smoked all the cigarettes easy to hand.

quote:

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Jackpot, I sat back up and inspected my crumpled prize. A lone bent cigarette hid inside. I dug it out, breaking it in two.
“Goddammit.”, I cursed.

---

Um. So the individual (Still without a name (my kids watch VeggieTales and I can hear it in my head "I've been here since *show one* and I *still* don't have a name...") Where were we. Oh.) the individual wants to smoke. So much so that the individual is distracted from whatever critical lying-in-wait has forced him/her to forgo a quick whiz in the alley. Heck, while running my first (and so far only) marathon, I whizzed in the middle of the street. And I'm a girl.

quote:

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I tossed aside the filter and gently stuck the remaining bit in my mouth. I pushed in the lighter and waited. My eyes strayed

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Meg I will address all those points, which are very on target when I polish it up. It's been so long since I actually wrote anything up that I immediately posted it without going back over it a few times.

Sorry annepin yes I edited the post to add more lines when I realized I had miscounted.

Modern urban fantasy, it is a guy...not really sure why he refers to his bladder as a bitch, but seemed appropriate when I wrote it.

Yes Staked is my friends novel...not mine, sorry for the confusion.

Yes he is on a stakeout and can't leave the vehicle, the first or maybe second law of a stakeout is that if you leave the vehicle the suspect will choose that moment to move. So bodily functions have to be curtailed.

I would characterize it more as it's funny how, when there's nothing to do, your bladder can dominate your thoughts and physical sensations to the point where you can almost do nothing BUT think about how bad you have to pee. I don't think the fickle bitch thing works, though. Just a little too weird. I call mine the "trick bladder." if that helps. You know, best laid plans, I'll do a 'safety pee' five minutes before we're out the door, but still need to find a john when we're only 40 mins of the way on our 4 hr trip.

You now know way more about my toileting than you need to, but hopefully there's some useful ideas in there.

While it's a novel and it doesn't require the genre head-smack in the first 13, it is helpful to know that we're on earth, or on Alpha-Centauri, and that it's current-day, or 1000 years in the future. Is he sitting in his hovercar? Flying saucer? 1962 chevy? Something like that would help ground us. I personally like feeling the genre right at the start of a story. It's almost like I need to put on the right frame of mind to read the story, and knowing that I should expect aliens vs. fallen angels vs. evil sorceresses in those early lines helps.

E.g., some ideas:

"I had to pee. Stakeouts were a nightmare for me and my trick bladder. No matter how carefully I avoided fluids for the hours before, I invariably had to go while sitting around doing nothing. I was in my '84 corsica, in the alley off 9th street. We'd been staking out this rogue alien from the Buali sector the last three nights, so far, nada. Figured he'd come up for air sometime, but the word on the street was the poker game at the back of Mack's Tavern was really good - high rollers from all over the galaxy. I fumbled for a cigarette, might as well have a smoke to take my mind off my damn bladder."

Anything useful in there? I have no idea - but just giving you some ideas.