posted
Something I've been tossing around. I don't know about the initial dialog, I can't seem to get anything that sticks. Criticism would be great.
Rev 4
quote:My filter for casual conversation is damaged. The closest remaining mechanism I have traps all but the smallest polite phrases: "Yes please", "No, thank you." and "My, what a lovely evening.". It is an unstable relic from my teaching days and when removed the captured vulgarities are ejected in clumps like the organic waste from a garbage disposal.
If the filter existed as a physical object, a bulge of skin packed with activated charcoal, then I imagine the problem would be more manageable. Instead it was deep in my brain, a spreading cluster of dying neurons.
Headaches and joint pain doesn't stir much interest in the medical community. It was when I mentioned the itching sensation of invisible ants the doctor perked up and asked if I had recently been deep sea diving.
Rev 3
quote:My name is Alex and I have a problem with time.
That is how I'd introduce myself to a support group. I would then set my beer down and go into a slurred rant about what time really was and how dangerous it can be. The lecture would be bloated with untied analogies and half-cooked metaphors that couldn't possibly make sense to a person still connected with time.
Here is my favorite: "If time was a record, those old black discs that play music, then I must have been sheared from the ridges like a drop of mud. I'm not above time, beyond time or on time. I'm just a bit of dust rattling against the needle."
Rev 2
quote:If time was a record, those old black discs that play music, then I must have been sheared from the ridges like a drop of mud. I'm not above time, beyond time or on time. I'm just a bit of dust rattling against the needle.
I had the fading remains of a violent headache. When time is distorted my sensitivity can produce seizures, headaches and hallucinations.
"It doesn't have motivation. Time moves in a steady rotation and I'm not always part of it." I reach to pick up my whiskey and knock over a glass of water.
"Shit!" A woman grabs her cellphone from the expanding pool initiating a chain reaction of purses, phones, plates and wallets getting pulled off the table.
Rev 1
quote:Time is dirty media, Time is a defective machine bloated with unshielded wires. When Time gets the shakes my skin tightens and I fear the grounding hook will slap in hard and drag me through eternity.
Conversations flip back to regular speed. I am surprised by my own voice smacking on a tangent.
"That lime juice is Mexican and I believe this cherry is from France. Then we have pomegranate syrup pumped out of a random Chinese factory and a jigger of bourbon. It is an international failure, a mash of burning fuel." My words tumbled into wet clumps.
Time knocked the drink from my hands putting an explosive red exclamation to my ramble.
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited September 26, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited September 27, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited October 23, 2007).]
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 23, 2007).]
quote:Time is dirty media, Time is a defective machine bloated with unshielded wires. When Time gets the shakes my skin tightens and I fear the grounding hook will slap in hard and drag me through eternity.
The first sentense is non-standard English. I'm not grounded in what's happening here.
quote:Conversations flip back to regular speed. I am surprised by my own voice smacking on a tangent.
You're introducing a whole new set of physics here and I don't get it. The first person thing is bugging me too.
quote:"That lime juice is Mexican and I believe this cherry is from France. Then we have pomegranate syrup pumped out of a random Chinese factory and a jigger of bourbon. It is an international failure, a mash of burning fuel." My words tumbled into wet clumps.
Non-sequitur. I'm inferring that the POV character is on an acid trip or something.
[/quote]Time knocked the drink from my hands putting an explosive red exclamation to my ramble.[/quote]
More tripping. With the exception of the first sentence, the english is easy to read. I just have no clue what any of this means. Not sure how many people will still be reading by the time you get to your explanations.
Give us something in the first paragraph to set expectations before taking us on this trip.
The jist is that the main character has a problem where he doesn't feel connected with time, at the same time he is afraid of getting too attached to time. I could start with something like that, turning the main character into a narrator:
"I don't think I'm properly attached with time. I see time as dirty media, an old machine... blah blah blah."
The capitalization for time was referring to the fact that he views time as an entity... though I wasn't sure if that really came through.
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited September 25, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited September 25, 2007).]
posted
Welcome to Hatrack, where advice is cheap, plentiful and above average.
I don't hate this, but I could if the grounding hook doesn't stay unlatched long enough to bring the reader up to speed. The first paragraph I like, but please replace the first comma with a period. (Or better: Time is a dirty media, a defective machine....) I assume you're showing conversation snippets from uncontrolled time travel.
I think the thing that separates the reader most from the second page of the story is that, IMHO, you're trying too hard to make every sentence a zinger, with clever/whacky bon mots aplenty. This is probably tiring for the writer and reader. Add a little storytelling to the mix. For example:
Conversations flip back to regular speed. I am surprised by my own voice smacking on a tangent.
"Smacking on a tangent" is meaningless (to me, anyway), or at least should be "smacking a tangent." This would be a good time to bring the reader aboard: Conversations flip back to normal speed, and I'm surprised to hear my own voice [fading away?]
My words tumbled into wet clumps: I'm still in the "time travel" mode, so this image means nothing to me. If you're tripping, as the earlier critter suggested, then perhaps it's meaningful.
Time knocked the drink from my hands putting [appending] an explosive red exclamation to my ramble [rambling].
"We are a nation of waste." I shrugged. [I'm shrugging, too. The period should be a comma, if the MC is saying this (for no apparent reason). And if not, who is? And more importantly, why? It seems misplaced.]
"We are a nation of waste." I shrugged, finding myself in the middle of yet another conversation.
quote: Time is dirty media[; t]ime is a defective machine bloated with unshielded wires. When Time gets the shakes[Huh?] my skin tightens and I fear the grounding hook[What "grounding hook"? What is it for?] will slap in[Where? What?] hard and drag me through eternity. [Who is talking? Who are they talking to?] Conversations flip back to regular speed.[Form what?] I am surprised by my own voice smacking on a tangent.[I need you to really clarify what just happened. I can feel that something involving a time-traveler (Doctor Who?) just happened, and he/she doesn't like it.]
"That lime juice is Mexican and I believe this cherry is from France. Then we have pomegranate syrup pumped out of a random Chinese factory and a jigger of bourbon. It is an international failure, a mash of burning fuel." My words tumbled into wet clumps.[Huh? Now I'm really confused, I thought this was about time-travel. Why all the hubbub about a mixed drink?]
Time knocked the drink from my hands putting an explosive red exclamation to my ramble.[Huh? WHat did what showing what? Not only can't I picture this, I'm pulled out of solving the orginal riddle of the prose to try and figure this event out]
"We are a nation of waste." I shrugged. [This is the only clear, concise sentence in the entire sample. Sadly, I can't attach it to anything and it is just hanging out there, ambiguously. It's like saying oil companies are greedy.]
The prose is poetic, in a somewhat gruff way, but so thick it completely fogs the premise, character, and hook.
posted
I loved the concept. Time as an entity, a person arguing with time. . .I argue with time all the time (loosing miserably). It is a little disjointed, but it needs to be to show the voice of the main character. There were only a few problems tht I noted. . .
quote: Time is dirty media, Time is a defective machine bloated with unshielded wires. (Your revision solved this issue) When Time gets the shakes my skin tightens and I fear the grounding hook (if this is a metaphore then I would make this obvious, for example 'the grounding hook of reality') will slap in hard and drag me through eternity. Conversations flip back to regular speed. I am surprised by my own voice smacking on a tangent. ( this is a little more disjointed than it needs to be, but I like the 'smacking on a tangent'. This is where I would mention where the MC is.)
"That lime juice is Mexican and I believe this cherry is from France. Then we have pomegranate syrup pumped out of a random Chinese factory and a jigger of bourbon. It is an international failure, a mash of burning fuel." My words tumbled into wet clumps. (Where is the MC?)
Time knocked the drink from my hands putting an explosive red exclamation to my ramble.( I love this line, it shows the questionable sanity of the character)
"We are a nation of waste." I shrugged. (this is out there, if you add another person or a place this wouldn't be out of place here)
This piece hooked me. . . just remember to be somewhat kinder to the audience, give them a little hint of the 'wheres', 'whats', and 'whys' if you're going to be withholding the 'whens' in the book.
[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited September 25, 2007).]
I've put up where I'm thinking of going for the next revision - most of the flowery stuff has been cut out, I tried to better blend in the two events (time and bar) and I tried to make it easier on the reader. I'm still going to toss it around but hopefully it is heading in a better direction.
posted
I'm afraid that I liked the first revision best, it seems to be more of a beginning than the second revision which seems to be from the middle of a chapter or something.
Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Hrm.... what if I started by introducing the character and making him a narrator? Or too cheesy? (Example of what I'm talking about is edited into the first post as Rev 3)
Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
Hey halogen, I was giving a lot of thought to this, because while rev 3 is certainly clearer, it lacks the edgy voice of the previous renditions that I actually enjoyed (though I couldn't understand what the heck was happening )
So, I went back to rev. 1 and tried a little harder to parse it out. In doing so, I came to the conclusion that it's the dialogue that really throws me off. I think I'm not prepared for its non-sequitur quality, and it turns me off because I worry that the rest of the story is going to be equally confusing, or flooded with illogical dialogue that I'm going to have to piece together to figure out what's happening. I'm willing to do a fair amount of work as a reader (that's part of the joy of reading, in my opinion), but I do have limits.
Some of my confusion also comes from diction. For instance, the "Time" you're describing seems more messy than dirty. How is a drop of mud "sheared from the ridges"?
In your latest revision, you're explaining away the cryptic nature of your metaphors as a character trait. We're told that it's half-cooked and couldn't make sense, so then I'm tempted to just ignore the metaphor, since I'm already told it doesn't make sense to someone like me (since I'm still connected with time).
Ultimately, though, since I don't know what's going on, I have to try to work out the metaphor to figure out what he's talking about. I get stuck on the phrase: "I must have been sheared from the ridges like a drop of mud." I think that means he has somehow gotten dislodged by time. Okay, I think I got that. Then I come to the sentence: "I'm just a bit of dust rattling against the needle." This seems to conflict with the previous metaphor. It forces me to think about his relationship with time in a way that's different from the previous one, where he's been swept outside the grooves of time. In this sentence, he's attached to the instrument that "plays" time, and quickly the metaphor becomes too complicated for me, and I can't figure out what you're trying to say.
I hope this helps. The concept sounds interesting. The story isn't clear yet to me, but if the character is in an odd enough situation, I'm willing to read on.
posted
I still prefer the first one with some minor retooling, but I will grudgingly concede that the third is easier to understand. In all honestly I would read any of the three and continue the book, but the third tells and doesn't show, the second isn't what I'd call a beginning, and the first tells but is a little confusing. It comes down to how you want your book to sound like in the end.
Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I like the direction in which your story is going. Ramblings of a time-loose entity.
Revision 3 is the cleanest and the clearest, but I also liked Alex's almost sensible time-slip perceptions in revision 1 & 2.
I think the present tense in revision 2 is a bit off-putting, although it might work in small snippets within the rest of the story, like bits and pieces of Alex's time-slips.
I would stick with revision 3 (or some further draft of such) and graft in pieces and parts of his time wanderings, which I feel would give a good effect.
BTW, I just can't get past this line:
those old black discs that play music
If your story is set in the future, where no one remembers vinyl records, then Alex also would not. If, instead, you are speaking to the reader...well...even my nine-year old, who has grown up in the age of compact discs can identify a vinyl record. I think it clutters up an otherwise good start.
I would be willing to read more.
Paul
[This message has been edited by Wastrel (edited October 02, 2007).]
posted
Hello, again. Below, I've taken snippets and ideas from your versions and added a little glue to give an example of how your voice can be combined with conventional narrative to move the story along.
quote: "My name is Alex and I have a problem with time." The support group stares at me, expecting me to talk about my drug use, but I don't do drugs. It just seems that way to the police. "Time is dirty media, a defective machine with unshielded wires and grounding hooks that drag me through eternity." More stares.
A woman grabs her cellphone from her table, initiating a chain reaction of purses, phones, plates and wallets flying off the table. I consider whether this is real, a hallucination, or time screwing with me. My skin tightens; it's time. I must continue.
"I'm not above time, beyond time or on time. I'm just . . ." My skin tightens beyond a threshold. "I'm sorry, I'll probably be leaving you very soon." Time knocks the drink from my hands...
Another thing: I suggest not getting wrapped around the axle with the opening. Just plow ahead with the story; later, the opening will be easy as pie.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 03, 2007).]
posted
I tried to take in everyone's excellent advice. Instead of jumping right into the patio and his 'issues' I've decided to try and pad in some back-story.
posted
The third is simple to understand, but looses all of the quirky charm that hooked me in the first revision. I didn't think that any revision could be more intriguing than that one until I read the fourth revision. It is a spark of genius.
quote:My filter for casual conversation is damaged. The closest remaining mechanism I have traps all but the smallest polite phrases: "Yes please", "No, thank you." and "My, what a lovely evening.". It is an unstable relic from my teaching days and when removed the captured vulgarities are ejected in clumps like the organic waste from a garbage disposal. Love the wording here
If the filter existed as a physical object, a bulge of skin packed with activated charcoal, then I imagine the problem would be more manageable. this sentence is a little confusing Instead it was deep in my brain, a spreading cluster of dying neurons. lovely
Headaches and joint pain doesn't stir much interest in the medical community. It was when I mentioned the itching sensation of invisible ants the doctor perked up and asked if I had recently been deep sea diving. this is rather odd, I would reword to clarify your meaning
"You're demonstrating the signs of decompression sickness." He said in his thick Indian accent. one must love the indian accent
This has personality and a far better hook than the others. I would stick to this one if at all possible.
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