posted
She stared across the water. Her vision was obscured by the dense February fog but not by tears. Not anymore. The wind bit at her face and wet snow soaked her feet and pant legs. Her hair clung wet and freezing to her head. But she felt nothing. She simply stared – a damp envelope clutched in her freezing fingers and a lighter in the other hand.
Her story was not any more spectacular than any others of failed love. Her pain was no greater than others’ pain albeit it was hers. The wind howled and whipped the waves of the Atlantic into a violent frenzy on the rocks below. She stared at the water. Across this ocean, she had left her youth and whatever pieces of her he’d taken. She was back on the shores of Newfoundland. Home. Well, it used to be anyway.
[This message has been edited by julierowsell (edited October 14, 2007).]
posted
I like it--a lot--but I can think of a few things.
1) What's the protagonist's name? So far we only know her as "that one girl who's had a tough break"
2)Is spectacular the right word? Spectacular, in my mind, has a positive connotation.
3) "Across this ocean, she had left her youth and whatever pieces of her he’d taken." This sentence feels a bit awkward and vague. She left behind the pieces that the guy had taken? Or did she leave behind the pieces and he took them?
Overall, I love it and would definitely keep reading. Good job
posted
I'm actually having a lot of trouble with her name. She still doesn't really have one. I was trying to wait until it came to me...who she is, I mean. But the more I write, the more I realize that she has no idea who she is, so how can I. I guess I'm still waiting for her to figure it out so I can give her a name. Weird I know!
Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
"Her story was no more spectacular than any others of failed love." I don't understand why you make a point of minimizing the plight of your character. In response the reader may decide to move on to what may seem a more enticing story. Ok, so maybe it really is no more spectacular, but you sure don't do yourself a favor by pointing it out.
"Her pain was no greater than others pain albeit it was hers." The previous comment also applies to this sentence. She is starting to sound real ordinary, lacking anything compelling to make we want to read further.
She has an envelope in one hand and a lighter in the other - I assume she is going to burn the envelope - given that everything is wet, I'm distracted from the story - wondering just how she is going to accomplish this.
You tell us, pretty directly, about the ocean, fog and agitated water. You also tell, pretty directly, us about the way she feels. You might think about telling us nothing about how she feels, and let the ocean (cold, bleak, agitated) be a mirror, a metaphor for her feelings. Just a thought.
quote:She stared across the water. Her vision was obscured by the dense February fog but not by tears.
I don't mind a short first sentence, but I think you skipped a chance to give us detail. We learn later that "the water" is actually the Atlantic Ocean. I think it would give us more detail if you told us that up front. It would save room, too. Otherwise--is "the water" a lake, an ocean, a river, a bathtub... ?
The second sentence is passive. Vision is receiving the action, rather than performing it. There are ways to make this more active and engaging.
"The dense February fog obscured her vision," is one possibility.
quote: Not anymore. The wind bit at her face and wet snow soaked her feet and pant legs. Her hair clung wet and freezing to her head. But she felt nothing. She simply stared – a damp envelope clutched in her freezing fingers and a lighter in the other hand.
Her story was no more spectacular than any others of failed love. Her pain was no greater than others’ pain I think albeit would work best with a comma before it albeit it was hers. The wind howled and whipped the waves of the Atlantic into a violent frenzy on the rocks below. Across this ocean, she had left her youth and whatever pieces of her he’d taken. She was back on the shores of Newfoundland. Home. Well, it used to be anyway. This was the kind of place everyone wanted
This was the kind of place everyone wanted? It sounds horrible to me, with all the wind, snow, and cold.
I'm sorry to say this feels rather empty to me. She feels miserable, but she's not crying. Not anymore. It's miserably cold, but she doesn't feel it. She's heartbroken, but not anymore than other people have been. So, why should I read anymore?
I agree on the two points that she needs a name, and some sense of what she is feeling would help. The nothingness she seems to be feeling really makes the opening feel empty to me.
However, I will say that if it jumped from this into something very catching and engaging, the emptiness might turn into a powerful vehicle. That would be risky, I think, since an editor or agent might not get that far.
The writing and voice feel strong, and it's something I'd like to read a little more of for those alone. However, I think there is a little risk of the voice/style becoming too heavy for a modern audience (I'm strictly a sci-fi, fantasy, horror and thriller reader, so I may not be your audience.)
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