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Author Topic: Prince of the Wastes, fantasy, first 13
Helvorix
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Mostly I just want to know if it has a good hook, but whatever else that might be in there that bugs you feel free to nitpick. Be as brutal as you like. Thanks in advance.

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It took me a moment to realize where I was after I had opened my eyes. There was a candle sitting near to my head flickering in the last moments of its life, its dieing light was just enough for me to see the few belongings that I had scattered about the small yurt that I called my home. I crawled out into the cool night air. “What had I been dreaming,” I wondered, for that is what roused me from my slumber, it was a strange dream that left a strange empty feeling in my chest where my heart should be. I looked up to the stars, briefly, which were brightly etched into the clear night sky, but their light seemed unable to reach the black ash covered plane that lay before me. I held my breath, listening intently for anything out of place, but there was no sound save the sea wind...


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WouldBe
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quote:
Be as brutal as you like.

Your mother dresses you funny.

Welcome to Hatrack, where advice is cheap, plentiful and above average. (And sometimes brutal.)

key: <suggest deleting this>
[suggested addition or comment]

It took me a moment to realize where I was after I had opened my eyes. There was a candle sitting near <to> my head flickering in the last moments of its life,[semicolon to avoid run-on sentence] its dieing[dying] light was just enough for me to see <the few> belongings <that I had> scattered about the small yurt that I called my home.

“What had I been dreaming,” [question mark, and put thoughts in italics (underlined in manuscript)] I wondered, for that is what roused me from my slumber, [run-on sentence here] it was a strange dream that left a <strange>[already said experience was strange] empty feeling in my chest where my heart should be.

I looked up to the stars, briefly, which were brightly etched into the clear night sky, but their light seemed unable to reach the black ash[-]covered plane that lay before me.

This seems pretty good, the formal bits aside. An airplane crash seems like a hook, but the protag is anonymous. I think it would help to give a hint about him/her, or the trip...something to make the reader care about the anonymous sap.

I looked up to the stars, briefly, which were brightly etched into the clear night sky, but their light seemed unable to reach the black ash-covered plane that lay before me. I guess I'll be late for my wedding, but at least it's not my funeral.

You might consider ditching the dream sequence (unless it has some strong purpose later in the story); it doesn't really add much and this would give you more space to engage the reader.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 15, 2007).]


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Helvorix
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Oops, I thought I fixed that typo. It was supposed to say “PLAIN” as in “An extensive area of level or rolling treeless country.” I’m dyslexic as hell so I tend to do that a lot.

I really should have mentioned earlier that I'm writing a Morrowind story for an Elder Scrolls fan website, so I specifically tailored it to their familiarity with the area and situation. The dream sequence was to help clue them in on what point in time the story begins, so the dream is pretty important.

The hint you’re looking for to who he is comes at the 14th and 15th line; I could fit some of it if I got rid of the dream sequence, but like I said, it’s too important to the story.

Thanks for the help.


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Violet Blue
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Hi Helvorix,

I think the hook is there. Here are a couple suggestions:

"There was a candle sitting near to my head" just "near my head" would be fine. I wonder if the rest should be a separate sentence? Like "There was a candle sitting near my head, flickering in it's last moments of life. It's dying light was just enough for me to..."

VB



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bobbieanne
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Here's my rewrite (just a suggestion) in case you're looking to free up some space. Also, you used a fair amount of the passive voice and one or two unnecessary "that"s. Several of your sentences began with "I," so I tried to vary those beginnings. Some things like "an empty feeling in my chest where my heart should be" were needlessly wordy. We know the heart is in the chest, so to say "an empty feeling where my heart should be" already gives us the location. And "dieing light" is enough to tell us the candle's about to go out.

I like your voice. It feels very... lonely, which I think is what you're trying to portray?
...
After opening my eyes, I took a moment to get my bearings. A candle flickered near my head, its dieing light just enough to let me see my few belongings scattered about the small yurt I called home. I crawled out into the cool night air. “What had I been dreaming?” I wondered, for this is what roused me from my slumber—a strange dream that left an empty feeling where my heart should be. The stars were brightly etched into the clear sky, but their light seemed unable to reach the black, ash-covered plain that lay before me. I held my breath, listening intently for anything out of place. But no sound came to me, save the sea wind...


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Antinomy
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Welcome to Hatrack.

Good title.

The story opening stirs up a little interest, I would read more.

My only suggestion is to cut down on a few unnecessary words in the first two sentences.
Example:


It took me a moment to realize where I was. A candle sitting near to my head flickerED in the last moments of its life, its dYing light was just enough for me to see the few belongings that I had scattered about the small yurt that I called my home.


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Helvorix
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Is this any better?

--------------------------

I jerked from my sleep, suddenly. It took me a moment to realize where I was. The candle that sat near my bed flickered in the last moments of its life but was still bright enough for me to see my belongings scattered about the small yurt that I called my home. I crawled out into the cool night air. “What had I been dreaming,” I wondered, for that is what roused me from my slumber—a strange dream that left an empty feeling where my heart should be. The stars were brightly etched into the deep blue sky, but their light seemed unable to reach the black ash-covered plain that lay before me. I held my breath, listening intently for anything out of place, but there was no sound save the sea wind whispering through the great stone pillars that dotted the land surrounding Uvirith’s Grave...

[This message has been edited by Helvorix (edited October 16, 2007).]


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bobbieanne
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Just a couple things still (in my opinion):
Jerking from one's sleep implies the "suddenly."
I still think you can get rid of "that sat" in the next sentence.
I'd also delete "that" from "that I called home."

As I said... little things. Otherwise, I think the passage is improved. Nice.


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kings_falcon
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Welcome.

Be really careful with opening with someone waking up. It's very cliche and will turn many readers off.

I would suggest cutting the waking up and introspection and starting with "The stars were etched into the . . " but that's me.

My take:

quote:

I jerked from my sleep, suddenly. <-- cut "suddenly." "Jerked" is a better word and implies the suddenness It took me a moment to realize where I was. also implied The candle that sat near my bed flickered in the last moments of its life nice image but was still bright enough for me to see my belongings scattered about the small yurt are there large yurts? that I called my home < --- you might not need this . I crawled out into the cool night air wasn't this same air in the tent? Tell me where he is when he crawls out. A village? A mountain top? An underground paradise? Candy Mountain? .

“What had I been dreaming,” I wondered thought, for that is what roused me from my slumber—a strange dream that left an empty feeling where my heart should be.


The stars were brightly as opposed to dimly? etched into the deep blue wouldn't it be black since it is night? sky, but their light seemed unable to reach the black ash is usually black or gray so you don't need to tell me "black" ash-covered plain as opposed to the fancy? that lay before me. nice setting the area though I held my breath, listening intently the -ly can be cut for anything out of place, but there was no sound save the sea wind whispering through the great stone pillars that dotted the land surrounding Uvirith’s Grave...


If you start with his listening, you can tell me what is happenign and hook me quicker. Right now, I'm not hooked. I might read a few more lines because I think I could like the voice though.

Good luck on revisions.


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ArachneWeave
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I usually go "blech" at a dream opening, too...except you got me with the feeling. Sometimes I wake up knowing from the way my guts feel that I've been having nightmares, but I can't remember them. And if it's a fic, I guess the set-up could be more forgiving.

There is a lot of detail here, not all of it very specific...but then, you have a yurt. So, no overweirding the pudding, as Cory Doctorow once said. I think that was a good choice. Candle, wind, YURT, a very sharp image in my head.

Of course there are different size of yurt. Maybe you need to change the word you use to indicate size, though, if not many will see that. And I personally think the night sky is more often blue than black, but again, I don't know.

I do like the voice of this, too. I think, if you want a hook, you could figure out a way to reframe it so it hooks better. Try to get the hint within the first 13; you may (or may not) like the way it ends up.
You may just need to shake up the order a bit. I don't know, for example, that he should be disoriented about where he is; that's a bit overused, and it's what he calls "home".
The subconscious sense of place either isn't off or you need to engage our interest with a sense of WHY.

Good luck! This sounds fun.


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