posted
I wrote this a year ago, when I first started writing...I think I would probably do it differently now, but wondered what people thought of it.
Breathe. He drew in a ragged breath. At first it was pain. It was pain and followed by a numbing cold, but it had been the pain that had first penetrated the torpor of his sluggish mind. It had been pain that had briefly levered open his blind eyes, but it had been the cold that robbed his limbs of the strength to move. EMERGENCY OVERRIDE: MOTOR CONTROL, flashed through his brain like a light beam. Not me, he thought indifferently, but he felt his knees suddenly jerk up to his chest. Not my thoughts. Harsh, something else. Quiet. His head lolled to the left and he felt his cheek burn with
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 29, 2007).]
posted
I wasn't entirely hooked. I feel like I've been reading a lot of start-with-the-injured-helpless-protag openings that I feel I'm getting a bit jaded to the idea. On the other hand, I did want to know what he saw, so I would read at least that far.
Starting in with a thought like that was a little disorienting. Putting it in italics might work better. I'm not sure how pain would lever open one's eyes, since when I'm in pain I usually shut my eyes. The choice of the words "flashed through his brain like a light beam" seems to suggest he actually saw the words, hence he is some sort of cyborg. I'm not sure what to make of the "he thought indifferently", and why his knees jerking to his chest is somehow contrary to that thought.
This is a guy waking from suspended animation -- it is an emergency de-suspend, following a crash. He is suffering from suspension amnesia -- however his implant has come on line and has taken control as his feet were being burned by wreckage.
I agree about the thought needing to be in italics. As far as pain opening or closing your eyes goes -- if you were awake you may close your eyes, but if you were sleeping and someone cut your toes off with some secatuers, I bet you would open them quickly.
The effect I was looking for was someone becoming conscious, unsure who they are, where they are, and what's going on. As the mists (of their mind) clear they understand what has happened -- before the enormity of what it means hits them.
posted
I think most editors (and readers as well) disapprove of the use of the pluperfect. You can say the same thing just using the past tense and the sentences won't feel as convoluted (for lack of a better word). "But it was the pain that first penetrated..." and "It was pain that briefly levered opened his (blind? is he really blind?) eyes, but cold that robbed his limbs of strength ('to move' is implied)" say, IMO, the same thing. We still get that he's slowly coming back to consciousness with an awareness of a now-ravaged body. Also, you can say, "...his cheek burned with cold..." b/c if it's burning, then he's feeling it and you don't need to spell that out.
I'm not generally a science fiction fan. I tend more toward light fantasy. But I like the writing and the tone, so I'd likely read on.
Breathe. He drew in a ragged breath. At first it was pain. It was pain followed by a numbing cold, but it was the pain that first penetrated the torpor of his sluggish mind. It was the pain that briefly levered open his blind eyes, but it was the cold that robbed the strength from his limbs. EMERGENCY OVERRIDE: MOTOR CONTROL, flashed through his brain like a light beam. Not me, he thought distantly, but his knees jerked up to his chest, unbidden. Not my thoughts. Harsh, something else. Quiet. His head lolled to the left and he felt his cheek burn with
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 29, 2007).]
posted
I'd agree about the pluperfect; keep it for the odd time you really have to emphasise that something is past and gone, that way it carries its proper force.
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