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Don smiled as he pocketed the stolen wedding ring. It put him that much closer to affording an engagement band for Sasha. Oh, he could’ve snatched her the flashiest diamond from any trophy wife that strolled through the carnival today, but an offering from the heart needed to be pure, especially for her. With this dream buoying his mood, he pulled an overstuffed teddy bear down from the shelf and handed it to the man he’d slipped the ring from. “Hereya go,” he said, as cheerfully as he dared. “Feed it prime beef every day. Don’t worry. It’s up-to-date on rabies shots.” The man nodded in weary thanks and passed the bear to the screaming kid in the stroller he guided through the carnival.
Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2006
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I didn't get much conflict in this. He seems to have stolen the ring, but seems quite at ease about doing it. There seems to be no real hook.
'..slipped the ring from.." I think I would personally prefer a word that suggests he stole it from the guy rather than 'slipped' that seems ambiguous, perhaps the man 'slipped' it to Don -- an entirely different sccenario.
I think it could be tidied up. There seem to be parts that I find unwieldy.
>With this dream buoying his mood, he pulled...
This feels like telling not showing.. you could show his 'buoyed' mood having just explained his dream.
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Am I hooked? Meh. The character seems mildly interesting. I like how he jokes about the bear. Since it's a book, I might give it another page, but otherwise, like Skadder said, there isn't much of a hint of conflict. The guy seems too sure of himself. The premise of a ring-stealing carnie doesn't pique my interest.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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quote: Don smiled as he pocketed the stolen wedding ring. It put him that much closer to affording an engagement band for Sasha. Oh, he could’ve snatched her the flashiest diamond from any trophy wife that strolled through the carnival today, but an offering from the heart needed to be pure[Stealing wedding rings to buy an engagement ring is pure?], especially for her. With this dream buoying his mood, he pulled an overstuffed teddy bear down from the shelf and handed it to the man he’d slipped the ring from. “Hereya go,” he said, as cheerfully as he dared. “Feed it prime beef every day. Don’t worry. It’s up-to-date on rabies shots.” The man nodded in weary thanks and passed the bear to the screaming kid in the stroller he guided through the carnival.
I am unsympathetic to your protagonist. The writing is clean enough, but it depicts Don as unsavory and uncouth. He's stealing from a guy that's already having a bad day, and daydreaming of how he will profit from it. Though you ground us in his twisted version of reality--and that's your subtle hook--I can't get behind a theif that already has a job. (Though it can be argued that carnies are already theives, the patron decides whether or not to hand his/her money over.) Hope this helps.
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I liked your writing style, rather light and humorous in contrast to the subject matter. Seemed fitting for a carnival thief MC.
I'm not sure I would read about him, because as the others have said, he isn't currently sympathetic. But I might give it a few more pages and see if there's a hint of redeeming value in him.
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