So... do I have a hook?

Thanks,

Thane

*********************************

Crocus Fields, near Thebes, 347 B.C.
After walking up the several steps to where the campaign tent was anchored, the assassin paused. If greeted by wine-drenched song, he would need to delay his audience with the King. Tonight, however, there was no sound of Philip belting out a drunken paean to the Gods. Instead, harsh clear voices argued and challenged each other within.
Ensuring that the box was still nestled securely under his arm, he ducked through the tent flap and stopped, letting his eyes adjust. Unnoticed, he stood silent as the latest set of arguments flew around the group.
“We have the momentum. It’s time to push on to Athens.”
“Athens isn’t going anywhere. She’s an old hag shivering in

You have a hook, but to be honest it feels a little small and some of your fish may wriggle off and leap back into the pool.

After walking up the several steps to (where? - where else?) the campaign tent (was anchored -- aren't all tents anchored to the ground), the assassin paused. (If greeted by wine-drenched song, he would need to delay his audience with the King.) This sentence feels pointless because the assassin can hear -- this sentence seems to be for the benefit of the reader) Tonight, however, there was no sound of Philip belting out a drunken paean to the Gods. Instead, harsh clear voices argued and challenged each other within. (I would have thought assassins like drunk victims -- You don't explain the thought)

The hook is the assassination attempt. You don't explain who the assassin is and how they have access to Philip of Macedonia's (I assume) tent. You also don't engage me in the assassin's feelings regarding what he is doing. If you gave us a little feeling, nervousness or hate or whatever, it would pull us into the character. As it is I don't know much about this potential killer.

You also use phrases that are indefinite.

... harsh clear voices argued and challenged.

Ten voices, or a hundred?

I am not saying you need to count them but it feels more powerful if you can define them better.e.g.

Instead, he could hear the harsh clear voices of small group of generals arguing within.

Just an example.

When your killer ducks in the tent, my mind's eye went blank as you descibe nothing within the tent apart from his eye needing to adjust. Is that because it's dark in the tent and light outside or the other way round?

quote:

---

After walking up the several steps to where the campaign tent was anchored, [Name,] [the assassin<--Hook.] paused. If greeted by wine-drenched song, he would need to delay his audience with [the King<--Too ambiguous, suggest: King Philip]. Tonight, however, [there was no sound of Philip belting<--Suggest simplifying:Philip did not belt] out a drunken paean to the Gods. Instead, harsh [clear voices<--If they're clear, we should know what they're saying, and get from the tone and words that it's a harsh argument.] argued [and challenged each other within<--Redundant].
Ensuring that the box[What box?] was still nestled securely under his arm[<--He isn't sure a box he is holding is still there?], he ducked through the tent flap and stopped, letting his eyes adjust. Unnoticed[Nobody notices the tent flap flip open and another man enter? Strange for a room full of strategists to not notice the obvious.], he stood silent as the latest set of arguments flew around the [How many in the -->group].<--[Don't need this sentence. The argument follows.]
“We have the momentum. It’s time to push on to Athens.”
“Athens isn’t going anywhere. She’s an old hag shivering in our shadow. We’ve fulfilled our promise. Retaken the shrine. Now

---

Maybe it's because I just finished The Lion of Macedon by David Gemmell (for the second time), but I want to know some things:
1) Who is the assassin? Maybe, through his own thoughts, who hired him?

2) Who is his target?

3) Why did he focus on the box? I assume he would really be thinking about it's contents.

4) How many me are in the tent? What men?

5) What is King Philip doing, instead of what he isn't.

I love history and historical fiction. I'm particularly fascinated with Parmenion, Philip, Alexander--and even earlier with Euanetus, Thermistocles, and Leonidas at Thermopylae--so, I'm your target audience.

If it's historical fiction, I don't think there's a hook. History savvy readers (and if it's historical fiction, there are going to be plenty of those) are going to know Phillip gets assassinated in the near future, but not yet. Personally, I wouldn't read on, since this piece hasn't made clear to me there's any kind of new take or interesting perspective on this.

Now, if we knew more about the assassin, I might be pulled in. If you told me he was from Athens, or that he was sent by Olympias, then I would read on, because that would tell me you have some political theory that might hold water.

If it's historical fantasy, I would want to see, pretty quickly, where you plan to deviate from history.

Edit: well, after reading IB's critique, I see I'm wrong about the hook. Which just goes to show you, you can't please every body, and puts all of this in perspective. It's just my opinion.

The core of the novel is set in 204 BC, starts in Alexandria, and the main character is named Kleo (a young woman), who is the daughter of the chief copyist at the Great Library.

Regardless of the other points that need clean-up (good advice Rich), does this one word substitution (spy for assassin) significantly modify the hook and the contract?

******************

Crocus Fields, near Thebes, 347 B.C.
After walking up the several steps to where the campaign tent was anchored, the <SPY> paused. If greeted by wine-drenched song, he would need to delay his audience with the King. Tonight, however, there was no sound of Philip belting out a drunken paean to the Gods. Instead, harsh clear voices argued and challenged each other within.
Ensuring that the box was still nestled securely under his arm, he ducked through the tent flap and stopped, letting his eyes adjust. Unnoticed, he stood silent as the latest set of arguments flew around the group.
“We have the momentum. It’s time to push on to Athens.”
“Athens isn’t going anywhere. She’s an old hag shivering in our

quote:

---

...ALL of you are expecting the assassin to be targeting Philip.

---

Point of Fact: Number 2 on the question below my critique is "2) Who is his target?" because I didn't assume that. I thought he was literally trying to contact Philip with information.

annepin, the perfect example of Historical Fantasy is David Gemmell. Based on history and/or a specific-culture's mythology with fantastic elements, it is also defined as Heroic Fantasy.

As to the question of the word susbstitution, I would rather see Attalus's name and a little bit of explanation. I could see the box is important, and may even contain a surprise for Philip, but Attalus--likely--knows.

Example (however flawed, and probably not what you were intending):

Attalus carried a box up the rocky rise upon which sprawled King Philip's campaign tent. Despite being Philip's assassin, the wet, thumping noises that the head made in the box, coupled with the lack of visible stars tonight, raised goosebumps on the back of Attalus's neck. He let out a relieved sigh at the voices of arguing advisers. Thank Zues that Philip wasn't belting out a dissonant paean.

"We have the momentum," Pausanius said. "It's time to push on to Athens."

"Athens isn't going anywhere," Parmenion was saying, as Attalus entered. "She's an old ag, shivering in our shadow. We've fulfilled our promise and retaken the shrine. Now..."