"Omn's Tears" -- fantasy -- 112,000 words.

Your first sentence is too long, IMO.

quote:

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Imprisoned and powerless, she had fallen from heaven and grace.Now in peril,the Angel (NAME), depends on the aid of two unlikely heroes: a renegade soldier, and a ruthless dragon hunter. Without them, she cannot undo the evil unleashed(What evil exactly? -- I would like to know)on an unsuspecting world. But in order to bring the two hardened and bitter rivals(Perhaps say they are rivals when you first mention them, rather than heroes -- they will become heroes, no doubt -we can guess that) together, she must first open their eyes to the potential for beauty that exists in the mortal world, despite the self-seeking ambition they’ve grown accustomed to witnessing. Can such a lesson be fully embraced in time to stop disaster (what disaster?) from unfolding before their eyes? (I think you should be stating here that the disaster will encompass the world -- just unfolding before their eyes seems a little weak and not scary.)

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I suppose my first question is who is the main character? If it's the angel, how does her story start? Why is she fallen? What is her name for that matter?

If she isn't the MC, who is? Is it the dragon hunter? The mercenary? You kind of imply they are the active characters in the story if they have to save her. Do I care about "the beauty of the world?" I'm not sure what that's all about.

Your pitch really doesn't hook me at all. I actually found myself a bit turned off by it (but that may be because I so dislike passive female characters whohave to be saved all the time, so take that into consideration). And since I was puzzled about what was going on in your story, it's hard to say what to do to fix the pitch, but I do think yours still isn't working.

Have you read Kristin Nelson's blog? I highly suggest her blogs on pitch writing. I found it highly illuminating.

Edit: Ok, I made an extremely rough stab at putting together something that might at least be a suggestion, because I hate saying something doesn't work without trying to make a constructive suggestion. It's a extremely rough and no doubt totally wrong in the details, but maybe it'll spark an idea for you.

Angelica, the angel, has to stop the emperor from unleashing the magic she let him steal that will blow up the world and the heavenly realm. Fallen from grace and stripped of her power, she can’t do this alone. Together with a ruthless dragon hunter and a renegade soldier, she might stand a chance if only the two weren’t deadly enemies. The last remnant of the creator’s power, Omn’s Tears, is their only salvation if they make peace with each other long enough to find it.

Following is the query I've been using up until now. It prompted Kristen Nelson to request a partial (after which I got rejected), but it also failed to get a request for a partial from a dozen or so other agents.

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The Adiran Enforcers used to be an organization of justice and peace, but when Captain Ryon begins asking too many questions about his recent missions, his eyes are finally opened to the brutality of his fellow soldiers and superiors alike. Now the very people who have long been his comrades-in-arms have become the enemy.

Kain never cared about another living soul in his life. But when the Enforcers hire him to track down the last remaining dragon in Adira, for the first time in his dragon-slaying career he finds himself at a dragon's mercy, bargaining for his life. Forced into helping this dragon track down the information she wants, Kain finds himself in a web of trouble, the least of which is his captor.

But when Ryon, Kain, and company meet an enchanting woman from a mythical realm, they finally discover the truth: the Emperor, in his lust for power, is on the verge of unleashing a disastrous magic that may unravel all of creation. The only way to save their world is to find the remnant power of the Creator, himself: Omn's Tears.

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The reason I decided to recently change this, is that I submitted it to a pitch-critique session recently held at the bookends blog and the response was essentially "too long, I don't know what the story is actually about, don't tell backstory in a pitch.

The thing is, in response to your questions Jeanne, my story is told from multiple POVs. I don't think there is a single "MC" of the novel. If I HAD to order the POV characters by importance, it would be Ryon (soldier) > Kain (dragon hunter) > Saira ("angel" equivalent).

(I'm going to make an assumption or two from what I've gleaned. And, I assume her name is Omn.)

IMHO - cross them both:

Siara never expected she would banned from heaven, bound to the earth, and stripped of her powers. She would have never considered that she'd unwittingly aid powermad Emporer Jerkface catalyst the uncreation. Now, with help from a repentant soldier and a failed dragon slayer, Siara must quest to find the only power that can stop Jerkface--the last remnant of the Creator himself: Omn's Tears.

He looks to me like he's on the right track for an improved pitch.

I'd do the pitch from the PoV of the most active character. I'd say your revised pitch is a step in the right direction. Your first was long and (frankly) a bit boring.

Essentially, I thought it was time to try changing my pitch, because I've had the opportunity to submit it to several agent/editor blogs, and essentially the reaction I've felt has been essentially that it is too stereotypical. Although Ryon and Kain (soldier and dragonslayer) are more common POV characters, I think the "fallen" (not quite accurate) angel is a slightly more original character.

Ryon and Kain get most of the POV. But without the angel falling, their adventure would never start. Or rather, they wouldn't know what is REALLY at stake. She is the catalyst of the story. So I thought focusing the pitch around her fall, and how her presence starts the adventure would work better. I guess it doesn't.

I swear it's easier to write a whole new book than a good pitch. *sigh*

I think the reason she doesn't work for the pitch is that there is nothing new about a passive female character who has to be saved. This is one of the oldest stereotypes in fantasy and since she doesn't do anything it's pretty hard to make it sound interesting.

And I agree the submission packet part is kind of awful. Good luck with finding a pitch that works.