posted
I tailed them for months, one meeting after the other, until finally I found an opportunity to attend one myself. The night was a dark one, the kind you get in the dead of winter, where nothing seems to breathe or move. The kind that's so bitter cold, you limbs are numb in seconds if you aren't covered up. But I had my mission, and I wasn't going to let up. The men I was following were of the same council as my father -- merchants, for the Trade Council was just a collection of every type of merchant in the city. I didn't know either of them, nor did I have any idea where they were going. But I had studied the city's maps so extensively in the past that every turn they made, I was calculating which cottage, down to the exact coordinate, we were headed to.
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Just a snap of the night my main character -- John Adder -- snuck into Rusted Iron Pub and discovered that his father's best friend was part of the organization responsible for his death.
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 24, 2007).]
As it stands, all I know is that that our main character is following people and he's been doing so for quite a while. The idea that John is tracking members of a secret society who were responsible for his father's death sounds interesting. So does the name of the tavern.
posted
I'm interested in where it's going but I agree the hook ain't there yet in this fragment. I assume it's an opening or near-to. I see the edges of fantasy and some SCI-FI in the use of the word 'coordinates' and I'm a massive Harry Harrison fan. I think you'll want the reader to know less and want to know more--I'd start with making the description of 'tailing' as elusive and edgy as the action of tailing a villian really is.
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited November 23, 2007).]
posted
Yeah, this isn't exactly the beginning of the whole piece -- it's smack in the middle of the first section actually. I wanted to just post the whole section but seeing as how it's 13 lines maximum, I chose the first one I thought would be alright. Here's the actual beginning of the entire piece, which I have planned to be pretty lengthy. Let me know what you think.
I remember the night very well. Vividly, in fact, and I don't often use that word. It is my firm belief that no man's memory can truly be vivid, or so clear that you can see it as it was that day. But this day, it was as though my senses were enhanced, just so I could never forget it. As if the Gods cursed me with the memories, burned into my mind with a cattle prong. I was marked as Fate's property that day, a large D seared into my soul. Doomed. I was returning to the house my father and I shared, and it was late. My work back then took me far across the land, mapping and marking. I was what they called a Cartographer -- a new profession, to travel the region and draw what you see.
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I mean I plan it to be the prologue, which usually doesn't hook as much as the first chapter; let me know if you want to hear my first chapter intro. -Jayson
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 24, 2007).]
posted
You make it sound like something of great consequence is happening, but you don't tell us what it is. It has an evasive feel to it, or--worse--it feels like bluster trying to impress.
If you tell me what the thing actually is (and it is, in fact, impressive enough), it will no longer seem evasive or blustery. This is a short story--so get it out there fast.
Or is it? You mention a prologue and chapter one--that sounds more like a novel or novelette in the works. I might be a little more patient if it were a novel--but you really need to let me know what you are describing **soon**.
posted
Yes indeed, it is a novel in the works. I didn't realize I was posting in the short stories section until now, but I can't really fix that mistake unless I want to delete the whole post. But my main tactic in the prologue was to put on an air of forbiding, to impress upon the reader just how haunted the MC is by this event in his life. Then throughout the novel -- since the death of John's father is is main motivation, and the reader wasn't actually able to relate to the father since he died right off -- having flashbacks here and there, attaching the reader to his father's character. Well, if you wanted a hook this is the first 13 of the first chapter. Let me know:
"You pathetic fool! Just give me what I want!" The words flowed out of my mouth with such vehemence that even I recoiled slightly. I wasn't surprised, just taken aback. But it was necessary. I would go to whatever ends, nothing would get between me and the truth. And this Henry Jacobs was in my way. "Dammit man, have you gone off your rocker?" The huddled mass of a man before me gasped, grasping his stomach in pain. He had received a hefty kick, and I won't hesitate in saying it was my boot that had done the damage. "I told you I don't know anything! What happened to the old days, John? What would your father think -- " I lay one in heavy, straight to the jaw. How dare he mention my father's name. This scum, trying to judge me, and tell me what ________
I'm gonna end up posting the whole book! haha
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 24, 2007).]
posted
Well ain't that a stitch! Cartography explains the casual use of 'coordinates.' You gonna work that? How, pray tell, could a cartographer wax the baddies? Definitely getting interesting. I'll take e-mail when you feel ready. Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Well, stereotypes of what a cartographer may look like set aside, in the world I have created, cartography is a new science -- anyone can do it, as long as they have a steady hand. Perhaps John is a skinny, delicate practitioner of map-making; or a burly, bearded giant bent on vengeance. (which he's not) But any man can fight if he's as angry as John Adder, and when those who are recieving the beating are spindly politicians. Maybe I should have added that -- it's not even in the full length version. Thanks for the tip! Hey my email is jaysonc.papenfus@yahoo.com, send me some of your work -Jayson
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited November 24, 2007).]
I've known machinists who quoted Shakespeare as they worked. One of my friends in the IT field could rent himself out part-time as a forktruck. Bruce Dickenson is also a champion fencer. I assume my readers (in fact, I expect my readers) to add a little and bring a little with them. Heck have him rip a phonebook in half before explaining how delicate his work is. (:
posted
Okay, I actually think the first extract is better for an opening than the second. But the second extract is more direct (if with less action). Your first extract gestures and waves, but seems to evade what it's trying to say.
I agree you should go straight for the jugular here. Maybe begin:
'I wiped blood off the blade. I had done it. After stalking them at meetings for six months, I was finished.'
Obviously I'm guessing what's going to come after, just to make an example. We need some sense of crisis here. The stalking in itself isn't very active. It is, by definition, just watching and observing. Beginning with a sudden thrust of action might throw us straight into the story and make it easier to feed character and plot details to us without telling.
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