posted
It drifted silently through the outer layers of the solar system, past frozen cathedrals of ice and rock that spun slowly in their vast million year orbits. The light of the star barely reached these apparently inert objects, but gravity, nevertheless, ruled their lives. Among them were planet-killers, climate-changers and the twisted lumps of rock and iron in whose destinies lay the death of future species. The black ellipsoid was blind to their potential as it plotted a safe course through the debris of the solar system. Its gravatonic drive flicked on and off, as it flew onward, towards the prey planet. As it collided with smaller particles its force field shimmered ruby, almost like the bow wave of an ancient warship.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 04, 2007).]
This is a story about a crew of intrepid travelers who are on a trek of sorts through the stars. This object then needs to hear the chirp of squirrels or it will level the planet with hazelnuts. But, alas, they have all died out... its a great tale.
No..it's nothing like that.
Re; That line you mentioned. It is a bit clunky. I know what I want to say I will just have to re-do until I do say it, nicely.
It drifted silently through the outer layers of the solar system, past frozen cathedrals of ice and rock that spun slowly in their vast million year orbits. The light of the star barely reached these seemingly inert objects, yet gravity, nevertheless, ruled their lives. Among them were the planet-killers, the climate-changers and the twisted lumps of rock and iron whose futures governed the fates of creatures yet to evolve. The black ellipsoid was blind to their potentials as it plotted a course through the outskirts of the solar system. Its gravatonic drive flicked on and off, subtley altering it course, as it flew ever closer to the prey planet. Small particles impacted on its forward shield in brief shimmers of ruby flame, almost like the bow wave of an ancient warship.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 05, 2007).]
posted
Oh,well I started to write that it was confusing whether it was an actual meteor or an alien spaceship or some missile built to destroy worlds. But then I read it over again and I hadn't noticed the sentences referring to a 'force field' and the 'gravatonic drive', so after that it was obvious. -Jay
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited December 05, 2007).]
posted
I guess, I want you to wonder what it is. So far no-one had guessed right. It is also meant to feel menacing. The solar system it is entering is ours.
As mentionned on another post this is a start to a story that I have done in a couple of ways. The other post is called 'Cuculus' and starts with a person.
posted
Skadder, the idea and the imagery are compelling; the text simply needs a little tightening (as does the text of all authors). Here's my quick try at it:
It drifted silently through the outer layers of the solar system, past frozen cathedrals of ice and rock as they spun in their vast orbits. The star's light barely reached these massifs, yet gravity ruled their lives. Among them were planet-killers, climate-changers and twisted lumps of rock and iron that would change the future. The black ellipsoid was blind to their potential as it sped through the outskirts of the solar system. Its gravatonic drive flicked on and off, subtly altering it course as it approached the prey planet. Small particles impacted its forward shield in brief shimmers of ruby flame, like the bow wave of an ancient warship.
posted
It's a vivid picture, engagingly menacing. I'd read on. Perhaps I'm slow but I didn't immediately connect the solar system, its star and the star's gravity in the first two sentences.
I like the vast million year orbits and frozen cathedrals: they give a sense of scale.
I wondered if you might replace the opening "It" with "the black ellipsoid". You're going to tell us anyway, and it might strengthen the imagery of the first para.
I like the brief shimmers of ruby flame because they add some colour to a scene that's so far black and starlight.
posted
It's your version, Skadder, with just a light edit. As a former newspaper reporter, I can assure you that everything you ever write for publication will go under the editor's knife, and come out looking a little different (and hopefully a little better). It's still yours, though. Nobody else's name will be on the cover.
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posted
"As mentioned on another post this is a start to a story that I have done in a couple of ways. The other post is called 'Cuculus' and starts with a person."
I like this opening better because it promises a story with an interstellar canvas.
I do happen to be attracted to interesting scenes even if, as with this one, I've seen similar before. (It reminds me of Clarke's "Rendezvous with Rama" and the Star Trek movie where they go back in time to San Francisco for the whales.)
It's all about taste and interest. Sure, we usually like to meet some characters and conflict early, but in a novel, perhaps not necessarily every time in the first 13.
posted
Well, I had heard a whisper that involved a inclination to live within alien digestive tracts...I merely assumed you weren't human. I was being polite, I don't like to point out differences...if that was erroneous you have my apologies.
*bows with a flourish*
Will people stop mentioning that Star Trek movie (see you are people now). Can't an interstellar menace fly into the solar system with everyone mentioning Star bloody Trek?
But wouldn't it be something if the MC in your menacing craft died and they sent him in a pod to rest on a planet, only to be brought back to life by a genesis machine? . . . Nah.
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