posted
Hello, all. This is a revised start to a modern fantasy story. My current attempt is to provide a little more emotional hook, but I may have just made it more confusing. We shall see. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
--- Dyssomnia Chapter One
My sister had languished in a coma for three years, and yet I felt like she was the lucky one. Amanda would’ve argued against my attitude had she regained consciousness to witness it; but so long as I paid for her life support, I claimed the right to be negative every so often. Besides, people expected me to be grumpy because of my condition, so what did it hurt to live down to their assumptions? Right. About my condition: My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. By no coincidence, it’s also been three years since my last bit of shut-eye; though until recently, I was managing pretty well, all things considered. When they learn of my permanent wakefulness, most people think I should’ve withered away long ago, dragged into an early grave by the heavy chains of fatigue and insanity.
posted
Here is an example of how you could tighten it up a bit without losing the meat of it, to leave room for the hook. This is mostly your own wording:
My sister has been languishing in a coma for three years, but she was the lucky one. Amanda would’ve argued with me had she regained consciousness; but so long as I paid for her life support, I claimed the right to be negative. Besides, people expected someone with my condition to be grumpy, so what did it hurt to live down to their expectations[was "assumptions"]?
Right. My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. By no coincidence, it’s been three years since my last shut-eye. Most people thought I should’ve withered away into an early grave from fatigue and insanity. Until recently, I managed pretty well. But lately....(this seems to be where the hook is).
quote: My sister[, Amanda,] had languished in a coma for three years, and yet I felt like she was the lucky one. Amanda would’ve argued against my attitude had she regained consciousness to witness it[Show us how he thinks she would've been.]; but so long as I paid for her life support[This feels a bit more info-dump-ish than like characterization, to me.], I claimed the right to be negative every so often. Besides, people expected me to be grumpy because of my condition, so what did it hurt to live down to their assumptions? [Right. About my condition: My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. By no coincidence, it’s also been three years since my last bit of shut-eye; though until recently, I was managing pretty well, all things considered. When they learn of my [permanent wakefulness<--Why not Insomnia?], most people think I should’ve withered away long ago, dragged into an early grave by the heavy chains of fatigue and insanity. <--This part feels a little long, and like it's skirting some issue. Was he the cause of his sister's coma? If so, It could only help with our sympathies if he is regretting it, or feeling like he deserves his "condition".]
1) Okay, I feel you are withholding something that is the key to your character-hook. Maybe: "By no coincidence, it’s also been three years since my last bit of shut-eye..." is just left hanging.
2) I feel you could condense both paragraphs into one, and get it a bit tighter. Then, with the second paragraph, you could add so much to the character.
A 13 line example:
My sister, Amanda, lay wired up to a bunch of machines that pumped air into her lungs, nutrients into her veins, and monitored hear heartbeat and brain activity. She looked like something out of a dark science-fiction movie. For the past three years, she had been in a coma. Three years of guilt bunged up in my stomach. Three years in which I have not slept. Three years of despising the mirror for showing me who put Amanda there.
Every time I looked at her gaunt, once-beatific face, it tore into my heart a little deeper. In the back of my mind, I could hear her silken voice saying, "Cut it out, Jer. Beating yourself up won't change a thing. I know you didn't mean it, Jer. I forgive you." But I could never forgive myself.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited January 08, 2008).]
posted
You haven't said what stage you are at in the writing of this novel. Is it ready for readers? I read a book in the early nineties--don't remember who by-- that was all about people who were freed from the need to sleep and all the time constrictions that go with it. So to be original your MC needs to have some other dilemma to deal with. (it seems he does) I am intrigued with the premise but agree with the other comments about you first 13. Tighten it up and send me a chapter.
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quote:I read a book in the early nineties--don't remember who by-- that was all about people who were freed from the need to sleep and all the time constrictions that go with it.
posted
All I'll say about this is that, for me, there'd better be a pretty good explanation as to why Jeremy isn't dead. There are conditions in real life where people completely lose the ability to sleep (I studied some in College), and they are always fatal. It takes about 6 months to actually die, but you lose the power of communication after a couple of weeks (first you're tired, then angry, then you hallucinate, and finally you become catatonic).
No real problems with the prose, so that's all good. I guess I just need some pretty hefty justification - but then, that's a personal thing .
posted
There was a guy on Letterman who hadn't slept in forty years. He occupied his time painting miniature portraits and landscapes on pinheads. He didn't die.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 03, 2008).]
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