First 13 of a fiction piece I have been working on. The story follows a Reaper in training as he learns to collect souls. First chapter is complete if anyone is interested. Rest is WIP
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Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Dark patches of miscellaneous car fluids stained the aging asphalt and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten by the clean up crew. Cars and trucks passed rapidly by the area. The passengers of these vehicles paid no heed to the unseen story unraveling in the westbound ditch of the Trans-Canada highway. The living, most of them anyway, were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld that surrounded them.

Perhaps an early mention of Jakob would put us in his POV more readily.

Another way to start?
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Jakob studied the accident scene from afar. Dark patches of engine fluids and glittering stars of shattered glass were all that remained of the fatal accident that occurred earlier that day...
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Another problem I see is wordiness (A Canadian fault?).
If you waste too much space with description your story falls down before it is realized. The traffic going by is important but takes up two too-long sentences.
Passersby were unaware of... This replaces a lot of extra words more correctly spent on action.

I would suggest reworking the first 13 to grab more attention.

In the situation where you start with the scene, as you do, I'm somewhat unaware of what my perspective is as I view this setting.
However, if there is a character there from the get-go, it gives me some grounding - I can envision him looking toward, and perhaps walking along, the dark patches of miscellaneous car fluids and the stained and aging asphalt.

I think the main reason why I say this is because the fatal tragedy isn't very descriptive. I'd rather you cut right to the details and get rid of that whole first sentence.

quote:

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Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. [What fatal accident? PoV?] Dark patches of [miscellaneous<--It's ambiguous enough without this.] car fluids stained the aging asphalt and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten by the clean up crew.[Who is seeing this, and how do they know it's not just the regular road scree, built up over time.] Cars and trucks passed rapidly by the area.[Eh? They are just flying by a wreck site?] The passengers of these vehicles paid no heed to the unseen story unraveling in the westbound ditch of the Trans-Canada highway.[<--Withholding. This is where the real story is, and you're deliberately obscuring it.] The living, most of them anyway, were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld that surrounded them.[What underworld? Who knows about it?]

Jakob studied the accident scene from a far.[<--Static. How does he know it's an accidents scene. There's nothing that would lead an observer to believe that--everything is cleaned up but some litter and stains.] He stood on a slender gravel road that turned off the highway a quarter of a kilometer away from the site.[Why?] An immaculately clean black

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1) I agree with Cheyne and the suggestion to start in Jakob's PoV.

2) If he can see the dead, or intimately knows of this underworld, then that is the real hook. If he knows it's an accident scene, and there is not real signs of one, showing how he knows will further hook me and help me immerse.

3) Standing in the distance is static. It removes me (the reader) from the scene, and reminds me--through the character--that I'm reading a story. AND it diffuses the immediacy of the situation.

4) You mentioned a "story unraveling in the westbound ditch", and let it die, switching to a character that--like the ignorant passersby--seems to also be missing the story. That's cheating. If the PoV Character isn't seeing it, I shouldn't be.

You have chosen a cinematic beginning, and it fails for precisely that reason. If we were watching this, we would get much more information out of it, and Jakob studying the scene from a distance might lend a dramatic view to the protagonist. What we writers can do, in lieu of trying to describe something that needs a visual connection (and what a camera cannot do), is go into the character--and take the reader with us.

A loose example:

A sudden movement to Jakob's right snatched his attention from the busy Trans-Canadian Highway traffic. He braked and threaded his Mazda through the rush hour derby to the breakdown lane. He turned his hazard lights on. A cacophony of horns and shouted expletives greeted him as he stepped out of the car. The living rarely appreciated him, but those lamenting spirits he had glimpsed wandering the westbound ditch needed him. Though Jakob got quickly off of the road's shoulder, he approached the ghosts cautiously. They could be baiting him. There was a chance they would go all wraith on him. Some apparitions derived great joy from tormenting the living. Once burned by a pack of poltergeists, one was seldom so reckless again...

Hope this helps...

It's easy to get caught up in what you've written without the input of a 3rd eye. I think I'd like to work on this a bit before passing on the first chapter.

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Jakob studied the accident scene from a safe distance. Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten by the clean up crew. Cars and trucks passed rapidly by the area. No braking, no gawking faces. The passengers were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld, including the events, at present, unraveling in the ditch that paralleled the Trans-Canada Highway.

He stood on a slender gravel road that turned off the highway a quarter of a kilometer away from the site.An immaculately

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Jakob studied the accident scene from a safe distance. Could you describe where he's standing? (See what I've suggested below.) Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. You don't need this as you explain the fatal tragedy in the next sentence. The only detail you really give here is that it is early in the morning; however, maybe you could find a better way to communicate this: are birds chirping? Is there fresh, cold morning air or long shadows along the pavement from the rising sun? Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass I like the how you used impact glass, it sounds potent had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten end the sentence here by the clean up crew.take out: by the clean-up crew, you don't need it Cars and trucks passed rapidly by the area. Give us some sensory details to help us envision the passing cars and trucks more potently. Perhaps describe the sound of rubber to pavement as it whirls by. No braking, no gawking faces. The passengers were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld, If you were to give us a small description of what is actually going on in the Underworld, you wouldn't need to actually say that the passengers of the cars and trucks are ignorant, as that would be obvious by the fact that they're zooming by. including the events, at present, unraveling in the ditch that paralleled the Trans-Canada Highway.

He stood on a slender gravel road Put this up in the first sentence. Some more ideas: gravel makes a noise under your shoes; by describing this noise you can clue the reader into the fact that he's standing on gravel. that turned off the highway a quarter of a kilometer away from the site.An immaculately

The point I'm trying to get across is to add more details and less generalities. I want to feel like I am standing next to Jakob viewing this scene - or perhaps that I am Jakob. I want to be that rapped up in the story. In order to do that I need details that appeal to all of my senses. Primarily, sight, sound and touch, but also smell and taste, when possible.

I like your latest version, but there are a few things that could potentially be improved. In the first sentence, rather than say "from a safe distance" why not mention say "from quarter of a kilometer away" so that we can visualize what a "safe distance" is. I was assuming you meant a safe distance from the cars passing by and so was envisioning him only a few meters away at most.

Even with this new version, the scene feels fairly distant. I think that's why AllenMackley is suggesting adding sensory detail that will help make the scene feel more immediate. I (and please understand that this is just one person's opinion) agree that adding all the sensory information AllenMackley suggests would lead to sensory overload. It would also slow to story down, and it's slow enough already.

There are several options I can think of. If the distant feel only occurs in the first paragraph, then you can probably leave it as is since this is a novel. However, I suspect you're going to describe what Jacok is wearing in line #14, which means you're still wavering between Jacob's POV and omniscient POV. Many readers prefer the author to pick one POV and stick with it.

Just as an exercise, try re-writing this solely from Jacob's POV--only what he is seeing, feeling, hearing, thinking, and looking at--and see if you like it.

Here's an example (which, of course, will have the details wrong):
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Jakob studied the accident scene from a side road a quarter of a kilometer away. Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the Trans-Canada highway.

Cars and trucks whooshed by the area, the passengers unaware of the aftermath that he could still see. The three spirits of those who had died hovered over the ditch beside the highway, writhing in agony.

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Jakob studied the accident scene as he waited for his Mentor. He stood on a slender gravel road that turned off the highway a quarter of a kilometer away. Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten by the clean up crew. Cars and trucks whooshed by the area. No braking, no gawking faces. The passengers were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld, including the events, at present, unraveling in the ditch that paralleled the Trans-Canada Highway.

quote:

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Jakob studied the accident scene as he waited for his Mentor. He stood on a slender interesting word to describe a road. I see slender and I think tree branches or girls, not roads. Maybe "narrow." gravel road that turned off the highway a quarter of a kilometer away. Few signs remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt I thought he was standing on gravel? in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten by the clean up crew. Cars and trucks whooshed by the area. On the gravel road? Or on the nearby highway? Highway seems a bit far away to be whooshing No braking, no gawking faces. The passengers were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld, including the events, at present, unraveling in the ditch that paralleled the Trans-Canada Highway.

An immaculately clean black Sebring accompanied him. Not sure you want "accompanied" here to describe the car. That word implies conscious choice on the part of the accompanier. And it implies movement. He held his tall skinny body at attention; His thumbs hooked into the pant pockets of his clean pressed Armani are how he stands and what he's wearing important here?

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I'm confused by the geography of the scene. There's a gravel road, the highway, and apparently they're right together for him to be noticing the cars going by on the highway when he's standing on the gravel road. Is it important where the gravel road turns off the highway? Oh yeah, and the ditch. Where did the accident take place? On the highway? Then why is he standing in the gravel road? If the accident took place early in the morning, what time is it now?

I think you're still trying to cram too much scene into the opening lines. Step back a bit, start by telling us what he's doing there, what he's thinking, then bring the scene in as needed. Maybe when the mentor arrives, you can elaborate a bit. DebbieKW hit it on the head with her POV suggestion, I think.

(I like the concept, though.)

(edited for tags)

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Jakob studied the few signs that remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway, forgotten by the clean up crew. Cars and trucks whooshed by the area. No braking, no gawking faces. The passengers were blissfully ignorant of the going-ons of the Underworld, which included the confused and frantic souls in the ditch that paralleled the Trans-Canada Highway. Jakob could sense those souls. They were near hysterics. It would be his hardest Collection to date.

quote:

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Jakob studied the few signs that remained of the fatal tragedy that had taken place in the early hours of the morning. Engine fluids stained the aging asphalt in dark patches and a sprinkle of glistening impact glass had been swept to the side of the highway[, forgotten by the clean up crew<--[Ditch this. It's not important to the progression of the story, and it's a little smoother read without it.]. [Cars and trucks<--[IMHO simplify: Traffic] whooshed by [the area<--Seems redundant to add this.]. No braking, no gawking faces[; [/i]t[/i]]he passengers were blissfully ignorant of the [going-ons<--[Don't need this.] of the Underworld, [which included<--IMHO simplify to: and] the confused[,] frantic souls in the [Southbound?] ditch [that paralleled<--IMHO simplify: of] the Trans-Canada Highway. Jakob could sense those souls[. They<--Ditch.] were near hysterics. [It<--IMHO: They] would be his hardest Collection to date.

He stood next to his Sebring upon a slender farm road that turned off the highway about 150 meters away from the scene. <--Again: Huh? In the first paragraph, I am right there in the midst of everything (in Jakob's PoV), then JAR I'm 150 meters away, in Jakob's PoV. How? Magic? If so, I need to know that.]

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My suggestion is to start off with a strong hook that incorporates two points :(i) he can see the dead and (ii) he is some sort of student.

Something like this: "Jakob watched the souls of the dead shamble about the ditch along the Trans-Canada highway while he waited for his teacher."

I really like the new add describing the mood of the souls in the latest draft (which is why I like "shamble" in the first sentence). Since they are of immediate interest, consider bringing them up to the front of the intro, rather than so near the end. Also, explain to us why they are confused, and why thse circumstances make their collection difficult.

Something like this: "The accident had been fast and terrible, and the passing of hours had not been enough to calm its victims. Jakob knew the souls were frightened and confused; perhaps they were even angry. A violent passing could make the dead unpredicatable. It was dangerous to approach them alone under such circumstances. So he waited."

This tells us there was a car crash, and it tells us why Jakob is waiting for his teacher. It also introduces sense of danger.

From there break into the physical description of the scene so our view broadens out of the narrow focus on the ditch, and we see ordinary people going about their lives oblivious to the happenings in the ditch. I really like the addition of his car, which firmly plants him into the mortal world so we think of him as a person rather than an angel or another spirit, which I assume is part of the story.

Nice premise - good luck!

Even from 150 meters away, Jakob could clearly see the signs of the accident: The sparkling of impact glass. The dark stains of vehicular fluids spread across aged pavement. Traffic sped by, the drivers ignorant of the Underworld and the frantic souls in the southbound ditch of the Trans-Canada Highway.