posted
OK Below is the first 13 lines of my novel. I'm looking for feedback on it as well as volunteers to read the entire work. I'm at 406 pages and writing the final 2 chapters.
Ten days ago Matt was abandoned in the frigid, snow choked mountain pass, naked. He had been left to die, or rather; he had been left to live. If he could. At twelve, Matt had been trained to survive in all types of environments for ten years now. This was graduation week. If he managed to survive for a week, he would be retrieved and the next phase of his education would commence. Urban survival. First he must make it through a week in the mountains in the middle of winter. As he prepared for his week alone he was not afraid, after all Matt had been trained in the worlds deepest darkest jungles, had in fact done a two day solo survival exercise in the Congo. He’d been trained in desert survival and had gone for four days alone in Death Valley. The mountains
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 30, 2008).]
quote: Ten days ago Matt was abandoned in the frigid, snow choked mountain pass, naked. He had been left to die, or rather; he had been left to live. If he could. Take this last sentence out At twelve, Matt had been trained to survive in all types of environments for ten years now. You're jumping time periods too much here; it is confusing. Ten days, ten years, etc. I think it would be better to describe these things in the present This was graduation week. If he managed to survive for a week, he would be retrieved relieved(?)and the next phase of his education would commence. Urban survival. This is a fragment, so I stumbled over it. Other reader may have trouble as well. First he must make it through a week in the mountains in the middle of winter. As he prepared for his week alone he was not afraid, Give us an anecdote to show us that he isn't afraid. You're first 13 lines would be an excellent place to introduce him as such. You could start out showing us how he reacts when he confronts a wild animal, for instance. after all Matt had been trained in the worlds deepest darkest jungles, had in fact done a two day solo survival exercise in the Congo. He’d been trained in desert survival and had gone for four days alone in Death Valley. The mountains should be easy, even in sub-zero temperatures. After all, there would be no shortage of water, and no tigers or....
I like the idea, its a good start of what I think has the potential to be an engaging story. I'm interested in who Matt's character is and what drives him to the extreme.
However, your opening lines focus on the past - there is a lot of he was. It would be so much more interesting if you started this book with him in the process of doing those things. Perhaps it could start with him struggling up the mountain through the snow. When you tell things the focus is on the words and the page; however, when you start describing actions in the present, you'll find that the reader forgets the words and begins to focus on the story - this is what we want.
As I see it you could start the story at a variety of places, the choice is up to you:
a) You could start showing us his grueling ascent up the mountain. Describe to us the way the mountain appears to him, how cold it is, the extent of his goal, his emotions on the subject of completing this goal, etc. Help us to see inside the character and to begin to understand him. What makes him tick? What drives him to challenge death and the extreme?
b) You could start the story describing him overcoming an obstacle in the Congo, as you mentioned. Perhaps he could overcome these obstacles, but it is not enough for him. He needs more, he has a thirst for more danger and more challenges.
c) You could start him out in Death Valley, as you mentioned. Same idea - he doesn't feel challenged, he needs more; he's driven by his obsession.
A promising story, I'd read it if it showed me more and told me less.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited January 31, 2008).]
posted
I pretty much agree with the previous posters here. The premise is interesting, but I think you need to back up and start at the moment of your hook--Matt having to survive.
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posted
IB's point #4 is really worth considering. Even the most manly of men (or young men) feel fear, it's what he does with that fear that will make him interesting. Will he run from it, will he hold it in, letting it build up inside, will he conquer it, or will he take it out on others? I don't want to get all philosophical here, but I think when it comes down to it, the basis of good vs evil is determined by how a person handles his fear.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited January 31, 2008).]
posted
I agree with what has been said so far. You've got a guy here in what could be a really perilous situation - then you take a "time out" - to tell us about his training and past. The problem is this stops any tension/interest the reader has. Tell us more about the situation the guy is in, ok - he's in a cold, snow covered mountain setting. Add something to it - maybe he knows he is being stalked by some animal just waiting for the right time to make him dinner. The details of his past training can be sprinkled in along the way. This opening has my interest, but it goes from hot to cold - I don't really care about his past until I'm firmly aware of the situation he is in now and thoroughly absorbed in and caring about what happens to him.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 31, 2008).]
posted
'He had been left to die, or rather; he had been left to live. If he could.' - this is a perfect example of an incorrectly used semi-colon. It should be a comma.
If you ABSOLUTELY MUST use a semi-colon in this sentence, the only place it could go is after 'die', and even there it's very suspect.
Otherwise, I agree with previous posts.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited February 04, 2008).]
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