posted
Taking the suggestions, I hope this is a better hook. I'm starting with dialogue this time.
“Father, what think you of the rumors? We could easily increase the guard around the temple and end this before it begins.”
The old man stared with disapproval, wondering if this child would disappoint him just as the others had. “I expected more of you. Have you not learned anything from my hand? If we followed your plan, we may stop the sedition for a night or a week or even a year. But it will lay waiting, waiting until you are too old or ill to fight back, and then it will jump out of the dark and kill you. We must end this perfidy forever. We must make an example and keep Judea strong.” Laying his hand on his son’s shoulder, King Herod ordered, “Tonight pull back the guard and let them have their play. Then, Antipater, we will cut out the disease and be clean of it in the morning.”
posted
Honestly? With minor tweaking as was already suggested (particularly telling us right off that this is Herod and not just an old king), I like the older hook better, the second of the two in your previous posting. Granted, I don't offer the same level of advice as some of the others on this site, but I'm a reader who would be drawn in by an historical fantasy about Herod. So I was okay with the more gradual introduction. I would read more simply because I like the idea; the 1st 13 wouldn't convince me one way or another with this story (although the 1st few pages might), and I think the writing itself was stronger before. I liked the picture you painted of this old man, falling apart physically but determined to see his kingdom survive, even at the cost of his own sons' lives. Yes, the portrayal was cold, but I could at least see him better than I do in this version. But again, I love the premise.
posted
Generally, we post revisions in the original post--you can edit the first post and leave newcomers a note in bold: New version XX posts below. or something.
Be careful of two things: 1) Trying to please everyone (you can't)
2) Rushing to post it anew (you have all the time you want)
That said, My take:
quote: “Father, what think you of the rumors? We could easily increase the guard around the temple and end this before it begins.” [Suggest tagging this, so we know who says it, and the characters involved:Antipater said to Herod the king.]
The old man [Identify him first, establish Herod as a character.] stared with disapproval, wondering if [this child<--[Is he still a child? Maybe the sentiment could be simplified: Antipater] would disappoint him just as [the others<-->his older brothers] had. “I expect[ed<--IMHO, ditch this and make it a stronger rebuke.] more of you. Have you [not<--IMHO - cut this.] learned [any<-->no]thing from my [hand<--Eh? Do you meanrule?]? [If we followed<--IMHO - have the "lesson" be harsher:Y]our plan[, we may<--Ditch, IMO, and replace with: would] stop the sedition for a night or a week [or even a year.<--Cut this, IMO, he's getting soft., b]ut it will lay waiting[, waiting<--Cut.] until you are too old or ill to fight back[. A]nd then it will [jump out of<--[Nit, keep it sounding right for the time: rise from the dark [and<--Nit, a stronger choice, IMO:to] kill you. We must end this [perfidy<--Why not use "disloyalty" or "betrayal"? Perfidy did not exist until at least 1585.] forever. We must make an example [Of?]and keep Judea strong.” Laying his hand on his son’s shoulder, King Herod ordered, “Tonight[,] pull back the guard and let them have their play. [Then, Antipater, we will cut out the disease and be clean of it in the morning<[This would be so much more powerful with a little juggling:Tomorrow we shall cut out this disease free and cleanse Israel of it forever.]”
I too love a good historical fiction. I also love the idea of characterizing Herod. And, contrary to popular belief, I don't expect everything in the first thirteen. Put simply, I expect character and the promise of conflict. Not info-dumps (which can be threaded through the story well after I'm hooked). I don't mind a little description of the room or those surrounding him, but not at the cost of making your contract with me. I want to know what to expect to be reading about. As much as I love history and fantasy and sci-fi and horror, I will drop any one of them, if I feel the writer will not live up to his or her promise. On the other hand, it's amazing how much crap I'll bore through, based on the promise that it will be worth it.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 08, 2008).]
Is this relevant? Since the book is taking place in a society where people are speaking Aramaic (or Latin, depending), the whole thing has to be looked at as a translation. Using a word coined c. 1585 AD within a work translated into modern English c. 2000 AD seems completely appropriate to me, as long as it gets across the meaning intended in the "original".
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 08, 2008).]
posted
Whether it is appropriate or not would, I guess, depend on whether it has a jarring effect for you--it did for me. I covered this the the 2 points I made prior to My take. Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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I like this version much better. I agree with all of IBs comments, especially in that you need to revise Herod's prose some to make it sound more authentic, more austere.
Perfidy was slightly jarring to me as well; not because of the time period, but because of the way it sounds within the sentence. However, I think it will be fine whether you decide to use it or not - either way is okay.
quote:Have you not learned anything from my hand?
The use of my hand sounds Book of Mormon-ish, which is okay, but it may be confusing to some.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 09, 2008).]
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