I'm polishing my first few chapters to send out now that my book is FINISHED (hurrah!). Please tell me what you think of these first 13 lines, if you would. Thanks.
Ava Morely was nine-years old when her childhood ended. Until then it had been all butterflies and blue skies; afterwards a web of fractured feelings as spidery and shaky as old china with a million hairline fractures. That is how she felt then, like a barely held together tea cup, membranes of ceramic holding her together. When disaster strikes--someone unexpectedly dies, or a fire levels a home--there is a distinct break. There is before and there is after. And Ava, no matter hard she wished it, could never go back to before. Before the cancer. Before her little sister became the little patient. Before she knew what intravenous meant and what medicine could do to the human body.
posted
Hello, welcome to Hatrack, where advice is cheap, plentiful and above average.
Knowing the genre would help on this one, I think.
I think the old china simile is like a very long simile . I suggest you shorten it a bit, something like:
Until then it had been all butterflies and blue skies; afterwards (it was) a web of fractured feelings as spidery and shaky as old china with a million hairline fractures, a barely held together tea cup.
I think the first two sentences of the second paragraph are pale window dressing compared to the punchy sentences that follow. So I suggest starting with the third sentence, with a little patching up. You could use that freed-up space to jump further into the story's hook.
posted
Thanks for the suggestions. The genre is suspense/thriller and Ava is one of the main characters.
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I agree with WouldBe, I really like the China simile too, but perhaps it goes on too long. Here are my other thoughts:
quote: Ava Morely was nine-years old when her childhood ended. How did it end? Withholding this information tends to bore me, as I just barely heard Ava's name and I'm not emotionally connected to her yet. Until then it had been all butterflies and blue skies; afterwards Suggest to take off the "s" on afterwards a web of fractured feelings as spidery and shaky as old china with a million hairline fractures. That is how she felt then, like a barely held together tea cup, membranes of ceramic holding her together. I suggest taking out membranes of a ceramic holding her together. When disaster strikes-- <<< you need a comma here, not dashes someone unexpectedly dies, <<< you don't need a comma here or a fire levels a home-- <<< now put in the comma and take out the dashes again there is a distinct break. A break from what? There is before and there is after<<<This sentence takes me nowhere and shows me nothing. It is "fluff" and I'd suggest ditching it. And Ava, no matter hard she wished it, could never go back to before the cancer. Before the cancer. <<< Ditch this Before her little sister became the little patient. <<< replace the period with a comma before she know what intravenous meant and what medicine could do to the human body.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 09, 2008).]
posted
Hi there! I realize I'm coming to this a bit late. I'm a fan of poetic language, so I wouldn't ditch your cup metaphor, but it definitely needs to be much shorter. There are places for longer metaphors, but the first few sentences is not the place. Having said that, you do have lovely language. As a reader I'd want to read more.
One last thought. You don't necessarily need to cover this in your first 13 lines, but I expect we would get to meet the sister pretty quick here, because right now I'm a little detached from what's happening to her. I need to care about the MC and the sister both in order to care that the sister has cancer.
Congrats on finishing your novel and good luck sending it out!
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. I suggest you shorten it a bit, something like:
